Uncle Booze & S. Beamin Presents......

These butts are a no go

2011-12-29T06:47:00.001-05:00

Women if you are going to wear tights please hit the gym first. You are doing yourself a disservice. My eyes can only take so much.

Observations:

Shyt Im on Natural Caffiene

2011-12-29T06:37:00.001-05:00

Today I woke up at 4am and could not go back to sleep. I thought about going on the book of faces or words with friends, but realized that people might think I was some freak of nature by using those apps at such an early time.

I ended up turning on the tube and watching cartoon network. Before I changed the channel there was an info commercial on about some special jeans for women. Apparently someone has designed jeans that make fat chicks waist smaller be several inches. In addition, it helps to shape their ass.

Amazing was my 1st thought, the reality hit. What if a large percentage of women used such tactics to hide what really resides behind those jeans. Have I been getting dupped for years?
I can see breast implants as they are natural beauty enhancers. But to actually deceive my with jeans that makes you look thinner is where I draw the line. I may not be as morally sound as some but this Shyt is not cool.

I will always question the fitness of women from now on.

Oh the horrors.

Shyt

2011-12-11T09:35:00.001-05:00

I chipped my mother effin moler. I don't know how this Shyt happened. All I know is I have to a over priced dentist.

I think this is love #1

2011-12-10T13:09:00.001-05:00

I was watching our idiot brother and stumbled upon this beauty. I was in aww and my member couldn't resist the urge to move as she walk and kissed her lisbo lover on the screen. I had to say down boy. Behave yourself.

I thought to myself. I might be in love. Is this what it feels like? Where has this woman been my whole life? More importantly does she have that vaginal hubris? Is it tight? Do she do her kegels?

I didn't stop there as my mind tends to wonder when I new woman is introduced into my heart. Remits of ll cool j's song I need love started to play in the background of the thought.

I don't even know her name. Please give me the name of this rare beauty?

-Uncle Booze

Wordpress

2011-12-07T07:55:00.000-05:00

I'm on Wordpress to unclebooze.wordpress.com

hungover

2011-10-30T16:10:00.000-04:00

today was just like any other day in my life. I woke up and what do you know? my m effen head is hurting. of course this is from a night full is drinking random liquor and not remembering how I got home. more importantly, what did I purchase from McDonald that cost 40 dollars. wait a second....there are 50 nuggets in my fridge.

JOKES ON ME.

-Uncle Booze

morning glory

2011-10-18T04:23:00.000-04:00

this is a start to a beautiful morning.

things I wonder

2011-10-15T08:38:00.000-04:00

Why do people insist on staring at me while I walk down the street without speaking. It really puzzles me that this consistently happen and I am starting to take offense. Its bad enough we have to go thought the world without ever knowing what another person is truly thinking, yet along being stared down by a compete stranger is completely asinine.

From this day forward, I will introduce myself to everyone and I mean everyone that does this to me. "Hi, my name is Uncle Booze, wtf are your staring at?"

Im Still Drinking and now Im Tumbling

2011-10-07T22:55:00.004-04:00

If you need me I'll be warming up for my blog return over here S.Beamin Strikes Back

Beer Flatulence

2011-09-17T06:00:00.003-04:00

I drink beer and I cannot lie. I drink tons of beer and pay for it in the morning. Just yesterday, I chugged a few (by a few I man like 9 min) with some friends and now I am paying for it. I woke up at like 4:30AM Eastern farting like a motherfucker. It's what modern day scientist (myself) have been known to call beer flatulence. Something we beer drinkers tend to get. Something that I am proud of. Something that simply smells horrid. I did something some deep thinking...I would rather have beer flatulence than some un-curable disease that would eat away at my own flesh. Can you imagine living with something like that? I don't want a death wish over here, but I had to get that off my chest.

FYI- Somehow my password was reset and I didn't know it, so I had to call Blogger to get it. I may have changed it in a drunken stupor, but that I am back in action. I can post and I assure you that it will only be my thoughts. Random thought. Drunken antics. And foolery.

-Uncle Booze

The Hangover

2011-05-27T07:33:00.003-04:00

The preview of the Hangover II has inspired me to write again, as my life is just one giant comedy show. Just yesterday, I decided to get Thai food for dinner. To be more specific, I got pad thai, the national dish of Thailand. Don't ask me how I know these things, I just do. I told the waiter spicy, so she told the cook to make my food the national spiciness of hell. The entire time I was struggling to eat the food due to its intense level of spiciness and the lack of the waiter inability to consistently fill my cup with water. After I finally finish, she comes back and ask was the food spicy enough for me. I was lost for words. So to get even, I put this in the tip line, " DON'T BE A SMART ASS CUNT YOUR WHOLE LIFE." That didn't go over well. I got put out the establishment and made some stranger cry. Boozer 1 Dumb Ass Waiter 0.

-Uce Booze is back.

my thoughts. just my thoughts.

2011-03-17T12:44:00.000-04:00

Nate Dogg died. did he really have one good solo song?

the situation. did they really let this clown on comedy central? seriously, I think snookie would have done a better job trying to be sober.

cab drivers. do they make those on America?

waitresses. I wonder how many cute waitress chicks go home and realize they will never be a model and the doing their boss to get more hours is the best it's going to get. damn life is hard.

enough said. I can no longer spread this ignorance to as it's my national drinking day.

Major Payne

2011-02-27T22:09:00.002-05:00

Today was like christmas. Today as like a fat kid getting the last piece of chocolate cake. Today was like finding out that your AIDS test was flawless. Today ladies and gentlemen, Major Payne came on TV. To me Major Payne is a living icon. I remember I was a corpulent little child and my grandmother took me to see that movie because she happen to be a big fan of Damon Waynes and his 19 brothers (Kim is a dude).

So today I leave you with my favorite quotes:

Major Payne: My Name is Major Benson Winifred Payne. As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer.
Cadet Deak Williams, Cadets: Booo. Boooooooooooooooo.
[Major Payne has fired warning shots in the air from his pistol for their insubordination; he slowly lowers it]
Major Payne: See what we have here is a failure to communicate.
[walks up to his cadets]
Major Payne: Do not attempt to challenge my authority. I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-discipline cadet unit. From this day forward your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or dig in your buts without my say so. Know this, killing is my business, ladies, and business is good

Christmas

2010-12-23T03:43:00.000-05:00

Christmas is right around the corner and on every corner there is someone volunteering to ring a red bell, while asking you to put money in a swinging red pot....none other than the salvation army bandits.

who are these people? what do they do during the off season?

my take is they are all trained con artist who seek to steak from the rich and give to the crocked. I myself have not giving to these people in years. I already donate clothes to the place on a semi decade basis. now, you have the balls to ask for my hard earned money under false pretenses. I refuse to fall for that sh&t.

-Uncle Booze

Obesity...This is America

2010-12-05T13:21:00.002-05:00

This is what the world has come to.....fat people competing to eat WATERMELON. I came across this picture casually searching for the web and this pops up. I think it was faith calling me to write about it. So here I go?

There are a million things this people could be doing with there life to help end the obesity problem in the United States, but no they decided that spending a Saturday afternoon getting fatter was the best way to go. At some point, I hope these people have an epiphany that maybe this couldn't be healthy. Maybe spending Saturday morning exercising would be better for myself.

Side note: Granted this are adults and they make their own decisions. However, there is a chance that these people actually have kids. Nothing in life, I repeat, in life, is worst than seeing a 3 year old child that is 12o pounds and the parent consistently giving them unhealthy food.

This is all

-Uncle Booze

Its Sunday and 5 o'clock Everyday

2010-10-31T15:31:00.002-04:00

Today i literally work up and started to drink beer. I decided that it was time to get some food. I headed to Jimmy Johns and got a sandwich. That is when it hit me.....It was legal drinking time.

I will keep you posted of how the day goes.

Just my thoughts at work.

2010-10-27T23:38:00.003-04:00

Today was a long day that consisted of my being a rat in the rat race. Nonetheless, I have to do the sh*t. However, I started to wonder what would I be doing if I didn't have this job or what would my co-workers be doing? I think we all think about this on a daily basis as you have the occasional uncomfortable water cooler talk only to find out that Sarah's brain dead child broke the lamp that have been on the family for over 10 years.

WHO GIVES A F*CK? Do you happen to know that the only reason I decided to use energy to talk to you is because this company pays me to. If I did not have that incentive, trust me I probably would have told you to f*ck off with the 1st 30 seconds of meeting you, if and only if, I discovered there was nothing you can do for me.

What really grinds my gears? Is the incompetent self righteous individuals that tend to hold you back from excelling, never gets shit done, and is always asking a favor. No SIR, I will not finish that report for you....I do not get paid two salaries. Granted no one has the heart to fire this individual. If I ever make it up the latter, this individual would be the first to get trimmed as a result of being dead weight.

Then there is the anal retentive prick who need to for lack of a better phrase, "Stop sucking Donkey Dick for humanity sake. If you follow up with your email via of phone call one minute after I recieve it, you coffee will have a special ingredient that consist of raw body fluids from the various outlets located on my body. I am a man of my word and have never opted out of taking the easy road out.

This is me everyday.

-Uncle Booze

Oh. My Effin Head

2010-10-10T16:47:00.003-04:00

woke up this morning to pure pain. i couldn't think straight, the world was spinning before my eyes, and i couldn't remember where i parked my car. Shit happens. i wish that i would have stayed sleep for the entire morning but somehow this wasn't happening. i got out of the bed and saw FOOD. granted that the food had been sitting out all night....i still took a bite of the chicken shawarma hoping that it would sub-side the pain of the hangover. Boy was i wrong.

it made sh*t worst. after about 5 minutes, i felt a sensation that started in my stomach. my mind wondered...is my body rejecting this food!!! then it traveled up from my stomach through the esophagus to the living room floor. that was my morning and i don't have a maid. so i had to clean that shit up.

I'm Back

2010-10-09T13:47:00.004-04:00

i know i have written to you guys and have mentioned that I am back for good but this time i am going to stick to it (f*ck grammer, this is me evey day). so i have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few months and i think i may have had a break through. i am going to be a grade a douchbag for the rest of my life. i did the nice guy routine over the last few months and that sh*t is for the birds.

when a say douche bag i mean the following:

it was me that was drunk and pissed on your laptop. SORRY.
f*ck oprah. i said it
your kid needs to shut the f*ck up. i dont care. if not, please leave where ever i am
all stupid chicks are c*nts. i hold this philosophy dear to my heart
Kenny Powers is my role model. true story
i think fat people should be put on a fat camp island where they are only allowed to eat healthy shit like BUTTERFINGERS without the carbs and sugar
the palin family are rednecks that some how procreated with one another to produce a family full of bullsh*t minded brains
women put out or get out
yeah i jalopped your girlfriend last night. she allowed me to. i would be more concerned about the woman you decided to call girlfriend
i am too drunk to think of anything that would make you say...Booze has serious issues.DON'T JUDGE ME.

-Uncle Booze

people watching at starbucks #1

2010-06-01T06:54:00.000-04:00

I normally start off the work day with a dirty chai from starbucks. one of the best drinks of all time. today I decided to take a breather and drink my traditional mix of tea and coffee in the place of purchase. this seemed to be an excellent idea. as I enjoy people watching. for some odd reason, everyone who shared this place with me during this brief time in history seemed to have a ore about themselves that relayed..... I am important. for 15 odd minutes, i watched people come in order their morning cup of Joe and scramble to find an outlet to plug in their almighty laptop.

I witnessed everything from "morning business meetings" to job application to join the rewarding career of mastering the use of an expresso maker.

wait a second someone's bad little hell spawn just hit me. me to parent, "keep an eye on that little bastard. you can't let him run wild like that." her reply,"@$@$:/$:?:&;@". i see why thus new generation is doomed.

this is my que to leave.

comcast cable

2010-05-12T04:07:00.000-04:00

For some reason or another, I have reached the conclusion that everyone that works at comcast cable either lacks a GED, knew someone to ge the job, or simply incompetent.

I reached this conclusion based off of my experience dealing with this monopolistic entity that reached an agreement with my building. This company has come to my bachelor pad 3 times have failed each time. The reason as to why..... my building is wired differently than any other building in this entire world. Comcast I find this extremely hard to believe. You didn't train you employees well.

So when they finally ge it right, the dumbass forgets to use aV cables for the HD package I pay for. Strike number 4 comcast.

morning train ride #??

2010-03-19T08:02:00.000-04:00

Everytime I catch the train to work, there are numerous of things that are simply either annoying and just plain weird. This morning was the worst. Some cunt got on the train and decided to invade my personal space by sitting next to me. Okay I know I don't own the seat next to me, but there were plenty of other people to sit next to.

As I was reading an article on my phone, I felt this individual joining in in my iPhone screen. Let's be serious about the situation. The phone's screen is like small as shyt. Which means this person had the nerves to lean in and break rule #178 in my handbook on "don't be a cunt your whole life".

I kindly put out my arm and said."seriously." The individual looked at me as if I had done something wrong. Afterwards, my ears were curshed by the sheer utterness of this person's cell phone conversation. I really think there should be A ban on the use of phones in public places like the train. I could give two failed Hollywood actors working at Starbucks about your dinner plans, what your spawn of Satan did last night, or if you are completely unhappy with your life because you have made bad choices like not being abandoned as a child (I know this really isn't one, but I think is was one of the many problems this person had). That is for you and your loved ones to hear. Not some pompous prick such as myself who wouldn't think twice to help you in your time of need.

-Uncle Booze

Beggers on the Train

2010-03-09T08:58:00.000-05:00

I'm reading my book, the good book of truth," I Drink for A Reason". And then a homeless women gets on the train. What does this bottom feeder want, money. This person has the audacity to ruin my morning reading to ask for money.

She gave the tradition 10 minute routine about being hungry, when we all know the truth. She wants to buy drugs. At least that's what I think.

I think these people need to be honest with themsleves. Seriously, you have already made bad choices in your life, now you are asking for complete strangers to help support those decisions? I refuse to support such antics.

I think that all the homeless should be forced to undergo some life changing program sponsored by Bill Gates to teach them how to fish. Their current condition is a result of behavioral flaws that needs to be broken.

I think Bill Gates has the answer. The homeless should bother him protest style. Everyday they camp out on his lawn until he writes a check for "I Stopped the Homeless from Begging."

-Uncle Booze

Hung Over

2010-03-05T09:04:00.000-05:00

Currently, I am hung over. I do not know right from left. Yet along tray to deal with that challenges Of dealing with irrational self loathing individuals today.

I didn't exactly get in the house until like 5am as I ravished the fridge eating almost anything that had an okay expiration date. 3 hours later I am on the train tryin to get to work listening to the conductor talk to us about unnecessary things. Such as " it's a good day to be on your way to work."

Really? I would rather be at home drinking Guinness and researching the answers to the universe questions. However, that does not seem to be the case.

I wonder if this douchbag really thought about the concept of working. Not only working, but working for someone else. The whole notion of our prized capitalist society. I wonder......

-Uncle Booze

Monday another Day in the Weekend

2010-02-23T01:08:00.000-05:00

It's Monday and I headed to the bar to induldge in some drinks. It all started with Guinness as I wonders will iblos my drivers license tonight?

Currently, it's with the bartender. I can't lose another one of those. For the past 2 months I have been driving on a passport. I got pulled over for speeding and I gave the cop my passport. He replied," are you serious?"

I said," you asked for identification. That's what I supplied. If you are going to give me a ticket do so. If not not I would appreciate it if you would let me go. There are criminals out there that you need to find because I pay taxes!!!!"

That didn't go over too well. I not only got a tickets but got my car searched. Good thing. I pass on grass and was not drinking.

True story.

Uncle Booze

I try to be a good person but that shyt don't work out for me.

Something that do not Make Sense to me at WORK #1

2010-02-17T22:31:00.004-05:00

I am casually taking a piss minding my own business and what happens?

Someone, either a fellow co-worker or a client, comes and piss right next to me. Aside from that, they want to hold a full fledge conversation about work. TIME OUT! FOUL ON THE PLAY!

This goes against man law- both acts. I do not know you, nor do I want to talk about work as I am taking a piss. you should be at least 2 stales away from me at all times. This is the most awkward thing. it is more awkward than when I mooned someone in high school thinking that it was a student, but turned out the be the new teacher who class I was on my way too!! Yeah that's how my life work. TRUE STORY. you can ask my friends and i was sober.

So what is Booze to do? I could easily ignore them and enjoy my alone time or I could say "Hey Bob, I was able to sign off on those files and everything appears to be okay." No leave me the f*ck alone. I do not bother you when you are talking to your overweight wife about how you haven't f*cked her in weeks. I do not bother you when you are on facebook 75% of the time, when you should be getting the sh*t I requested a week ago. I do not bother you when you are kissing your boss's ass just to get ahead.

So let me take a piss in peace. From this day on, I refuse to entertain anyone while I am pissing. i have declared it as my official me time in the office. Either you accept it or go fuck yourself!!

Do you really think I can read this?

2010-02-16T00:23:00.004-05:00

Hey,

What language is the blog in? what language did you send me an email in? Does that make business sense to you?

Look below:

Janine de Vries

to me

show details Feb 8 (8 days ago)

Geachte Webmaster,

Mijn naam is Janine de Vries werkzaam bij Promo-Wise.com. Graag
bied ik u een maandelijkse vergoeding aan voor het plaatsen van een
artikel of advertentie op uw web-site voor één van onze klanten.

Indien u geïnteresseerd bent in ons aanbod, verneem ik van u graag de
mogelijkheden. Heeft u nog vragen of suggesties, kunt u uiteraard te
allen tijde contact met ons opnemen.

To speak with one of our English-speaking customer support staff,
please email Andrew Evans at contactus@promotion-time.com.

Met vriendelijke groet,
Janine de Vries,
Marketing Medewerker,
Afdeling Business Development,
Janine@promo-wise.com

things i have done while being drunk #1 (all lower caps...f*ck english grammar and shyt)

2010-02-15T23:47:00.005-05:00

i am not the best person in the world and i really don't try. i think that the world should accept me for me or for lack of a better words sequence...suck it. I love food, but i hate Styrofoam, the shyt destroys the environment. i am all for killing moral with the truth, but when things stay on land fields for 20 years. i have to draw the line. well, while in vegas, i went to panda express and she tried to put my order in that white "un'-biodegradeable bullshyt and i told her to put it into the a la carte box.

The f*cking foreigner didn't want to comply. I told her this is america and i want the f*cking box i paid for, the whole time my college roommate is tapping this and trying to upload it to youtube. i began to get pissed because it wasnt going too well. i waited for them to fix everything and then told them my friends wanted food and told the manager i reuse to pay for it until it is in a la carte box so i can eat and walk at the same time on the strip. that didn't work at all. i went behind the counter and got my own box. she informed my that i can't do that. i turned around and told her....this is America and that's how i roll. FYI i only paid for my shyt.

(due to some of the emails i have received regrading me not censoring my post, i decided to tone it down a little bit. just this one time. i will continue my normal sarcastic ways in the next post)

to be completely honest i only remember going into the damn place, but i saw the video and this is what i appear to be doing minus:

-i told her to suck my d*ck or give me my a la carte box you none english speaking minimum wage, tax dollar stealing illegal

- i mooned all the workers and threaten to pee in the soda machine unless i keep me paper non styrofoam box

-i went to the restroom stole the toilet paper and threw it at the stock of styrofoam boxes.

as you can see, i do my part to help the environment.

-Uncle Booze

i haven't Had a Drink in 24 Hrs

2010-02-15T23:25:00.003-05:00

Well ladies and gentlemen. i haven't had an adult beverage in about 24 hours and the side effects are starting to f*ck with me. For instance right now, it took me like 5 times to write the last sentence. i am losing my edge. I do not think I am going to make it. I feel like a blind man that married Whoopi Goldberg and got corrective blind eye surgery. Then decided to rip his own eyes out.

-Uncle Booze

10 Signs She Might be Ghetto (This refers to all races)

2010-02-06T07:28:00.002-05:00

1. Lollipops are her favorite candy. Everytime you turn around she has a f*cking blow pop in her mouth making her teeth red like her monthly friend that deprive men of sex for a week out of the month.

2. Flaming Hot pronunced hot flammin. Yes she pronounces everything wrong by saying it backwards. This is indicative of her poor education. Chances are your child would have a serious of 18 vowels before a consonant appears. i.e SCHEAIOUAAOURRNIQUIIEEOI."

Save yourself the trouble and wear a rubber.

3. Now and Laters but she pronouce it nowlata. This is just plain sad. Need I say more.

4. Target is a high end boutique for her. Yes she thinks that target is the top of the line for everything. She has moved away from Wal-Mart.

5. She drinks Boones Farms. This is the bottom of the barrow booze. She likes all the flavors and even have the nerve to bring it as a gift for parties. I could see bringing Yellow Tail, but Boone Farm. SMH

6. She has more then one color of fake hair. Every time I take the train to work I see the same nursing student with f*cking red hair in her head. I wonder, if I would ever want to date a chick like that. To me that screems, I need all the attention in the world. All I do is take take take and I got like 4 babies that uses your tax dollars.

7. She eats pickles with a peppermint stick. This is the most disguisting thing I have ever seen. I was visiting a young lady during my glory days. Little did I know this chick loved f*cking peppermints and pickles. Immediate turn off. I do add she let me know what her mouth was really for and what she was born to do. The Boozer didnt have to teach her a damn thing. DSL is all I have to say. They exist......boy do they exist.

8. She eats nacho meat and cheese on everything. Yes she eats f*cking nacho cheese on everything, All types of chips, meals, and other entrees. one time while at Chiles this chick asked can she get nacho cheese on her steak. Ummmmm bitch no. They melt real cheese they're not that government shit that is given out on the 1st of the month. I walked to the bar took a few shots and proceeded to be interested, but I wanted my johnson to do the talking later.

9. Her favorite restaurant is the local gyro place and mild sauce must be on everything. Now, I love to eat greek shit after a long evening of drinking, pissing in random corners, and forgetting where I left my car. Having it for everyday meal is just beneath me.

10. She has been on Maury more than once and received negative results for the 3 men tested for her last 3 Children. I know this is a little far fetch, but still none the less a reality. One I choose to stay clear of by not associating myself with such scum. Sweetheart keep your legs closed. We are tired of all these little fuckers running around destroying shit, stealing shit out my car, and having more kids.

Omitted from the List:

She thinks Red Lobster is a high in restaurant. seriously? Yes, I just got an A on my 1 year community college term paper. Lets go to Red Lobster. (FYI college is college.I am not downing any form of education. I might need to get my PHD to enlighten me...look at the sh*t I write and I got an advanced degree.)

-Uncle Booze

What Ever happened to Laura Winslow? I don't know her real name and could care less

2010-02-06T06:36:00.011-05:00

We all grew up wishing we could get as close to Laura Winslow as that creepy dude steve Urcle. Yeah She stole my heart at an early age, but today at 5am,I pounder what the f*ck happened to her. Years ago when I was like 10 or some sh*t like that, I would anticipate Family Matters coming on so I could see Laura Winslow. She was my "QUEEN TO BE" (in my Coming to America singing fat man voice). She had it all, cute, sassy, and famous. Where is she now?

Hell, I do not know. I am about to google that sh*t now. Verdict is. She did some cheesy get on the bus movie. Come to think about it, I saw like the 1st 20 minutes of the movie and wondered, who the f*ck is this hoodrat? It was none other then my Laura Winslow. Looking like a crack addict and meth user rolled in one. What a sad decline for a nice looking chick, As far as her other actress sh*t, she currently works as a fill in for some style channel show. To be completely honest, I do not know if that channel exist. I only watch the following channels: CNN, Comedy Central, MTV, and Cartoon Network. If you are not on one of those channels, I do not know know the f*ck you are!!!!

On another note, this chick is now "happily" married, if they have kids she will definitely be featured in my MILF post. One question, why the f*ck would you want to go and do that for? You still got some good years in you, I think. well you at least look like it. Laura Winslow,( I didn't bother to get her real name. Not worth the time.) to be completely honest, you surprised me. I thought that you would end up as some hooker of Rodeo drive, a pornstar like your little sister, or some drug addict like Britney Murphy. Nonetheless, you are none of those. Instead, you took the high road and did good for yourself. We need more self righteous chicks like you and Lark Voorhies. I couldn't find any dirt on either one of you.

I know there is something out there and I will not rest until I find the answer.

-Uncle Booze

Things I've realized through time

2010-01-31T12:57:00.007-05:00

First and foremost i must mention im writing this drunk as shit and on about 2 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period, but you need to know this shit. I have done some shit and got way with it that you a normal person will not be able to get away with so take note and do none of the following.

1. Grabbing a woman's vagina in the middle of class.
Seriously this shit is pushing the lines of decency but i did it and boy did I pay for it. If the thought ever comes across your mind that the girl whose tits you have been grabbing for the last week might want some finger company down there, ask for permission. The answer will more than likely be no even if it is theater class where her moans will get drowned out by the sounds of shitty acting.

Results I got my Sidekick broken, yeah back when sidekicks were only seen in my hands and that Fabolous video.

2. Do not try to spit fire after a night of drinking 151
I have been the dumb ass in many situations and maybe none dumber than this one. I have no idea what possessed me to think after killing a bottle of 151 that it would be a good idea to add fire to the equation. Me being the drunken genius that i am decided the last bit of 151 should be used to spit fire in a college dorm room.

Results Me pathetically spewing Bacardi all over my shirt and thankfully no where near the flame. Side note I set my thumb on fire this weekend making Flaming Dr. Peppers so that was fun.

3. Do not believe the ass, because it will always lie
This is one of those things were I kinda fucked up, I judged the book by it's ass. I thought ass looks good so everything else will be good I was so wrong. Seriously never jump in a truck with a chick based on ass alone.

Results I got kidnapped and taken to Georgia, all the time being told stories about how crack taste like candy, with ex-boyfriend property destruction tossed in for fun.

4. Never eat all the weed brownies
Everyone thinks that weed brownies are all fun and games. You dumb fucks are wrong, fucking dead wrong those shits destroy lives and end relationships. It's bad enough when you eat one or two but I do it big and eat the pan or lick the bowl that shit is wrong.

Results I have left messages for Klan leaders telling them how I fuck women of all races, kissed multiple chicks without fair warning, and went to a Rockets game. Seriously after that Rockets game I got tickled by a bunch of people and the video of that incident is one of the funniest things have ever seen.

5. Do not drive around late night with your headlights off
If you ever get in a situation where the law is looking for you, do not decide the best option is to drive with your headlights off. So if you happen to be down by the river and your car is on the side of the road, do not run from the cops jump in the car and then speed down the highway in the wrong direction at 120 mph with no lights. Also do not go in reverse down the busiest highway in your city saying it'll be okay im special.

Results I evaded arrest every time and was known by the local police department as James Bond and later Mcguyver because I could get out of any situation.

To be clear none of these stories or incidents are quote un quote real. I had wrote something else right here but it went a little too far and it would get two people sent to jail and ruin their careers so i showed restraint. Oh and by the way the chick who's Vagina I grabbed I also drunkenly rubbed her with my boner while watching a high school play. Once again totally wrong and she stabbed me in the leg with a pen about three inches from my dick. Being me I promptly showed her how close she was and we've been friends ever since.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter because I don't give a fuck

Tiger did you wrong....I Got Something to Heal the PAIN...MY DANK

2010-01-31T00:11:00.001-05:00

To my dearest Elin,

I am drunk right now and was thinking about how lonely that you are at this current time. I know that Tiger did you wrong, but there is a LION ready to pounce on you Simba style. I saw you in your glory days and know that you haven't let yourself go. Com'on you are indeed a MILF. I see you in the media wondering....."How am I going to get through this sh*t?' Well, I have the answer for you. It is call my dank.It is ready for you...It has no worries or concerns.

Listen, I have a two step program. First I help you during your time of need, then help you get my jizz on your face. You don't have to sign any type of arrangement. I will let you know the terms up front. I DON'T WANT ANY KIDS. THE ONLY THING I WANT you already got.

But I am sure the arrangement will help you gain some dignity about yourself.

-Uncle Booze

(I would normally write crude and graphic sh*t, but I was trying to let you know I was sincere).

She's a Maxim Girl....Amanda Bynes

2010-01-23T07:54:00.007-05:00

I was reading one of my favorite publications online (Maxim) and a see a f*cking link that said Amanda Bynes. Yes we all grew up watching All That and some other shows she was on. Well I was shock to see this name associated with this publication as well. Okay I really don't read the sh*t, I look at the hot women and may read something about them If my dick tells me to. Meaning if she is HOT, I would see where she came from and what not.

I have good news..... she is now 23...LEGAL and ready to have some more adult like scenes in her movies. Dont get your hopes up at all because she claims she is not ready for porn. Such a f*ckinh drag. I can say one thing...boy has her tits gotten bigger. I was shock to see this little on with some respectable size tots. In the words of Tyson, I want to ravish them. I want to display my dominance over them.

Amanda if you are out there. I have something that would give you, something your Nickelodeon audience could never give you. I really don't want to wine and dine you. You seem more like the chocolate syrup and whip cream type. Good news for you is I have a lifetime supply of that sh*t begging to be used on a newly invented chick as yourself. I advise you not to be shy. I don't believe in that America's Sweetheart bullsh*t you have displayed over the past few years. When I see you eyes in picture...they tell me...Booze I like it from behind, then I want to do it cowgirl. Listen I have a whole routine geared just for you. Its called....DO IT HOW I WANT IT. Trust me you will like it. I even have a cowboy hat that needs to come out of retirement.

I must admit you look very awkward in these photos. Don't try so hard. Just show some nips and ass, then coast through. This is the best advice I can give you. I am sure it will come with time. I admire your drive. If all else fails, I have written a porno just for you. I starts on the set of ALL THAT.

-Uncle Booze

Personals #4 (Her Reply)

2010-01-21T13:18:00.000-05:00

"Well, u can continue to laugh but know this; just like u found it funny there will be someone who will find it sincere and meaningful. I feel sorry for u if u think that anything I said was unbelievable or funny. I took a chance posting on krudlist but I think that like me there are still some people out there that believe in love.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®"

One world....BULLSHIT.I am laughing my ass off now at your utter silliness. One I recommend that you get some education. Seriously, my 4 year old brother uses better grammar and syntax than you. You shouldn't feel sorry for me. I ma not the one posting funny (in your eyes serious) on Criagslist to find a mate (love). Listen I don't have a heart to give away . I was born without one. I live off a pace maker motherf*cker!! This is not the Notebook (gayest movie ever). This is End Days. Its a constant battle field out there. I got a whole army of soldiers begging to swim.Just not with you!!!!

Please Leave A.K.A. Get the Fuck Out

2010-01-17T13:20:00.000-05:00

Now when it comes to the morning after Im a pretty decent guy. I don't usually throw chicks out at 3 in the morning with cab fare and no panties. I try to do my best to treat each lady that walks in my humbe aboad with the utmost respect. This morning that shit was not in the cards, my people it just wasn't. First and foremost let me tell you about my perfect Sunday.

I wake up with someone I actually care about. It's early so I don't disturb her as I watch the Arsenal cruise to a 3-0 victory in the English Premier League. Her timing is almost perfect as she wakes up just in time to watch the interesting parts of Meet The Press with me. After we shower together to conserve hot water and such we would head out to brunch. A brunch that would consist of anything she wanted plus bottomless Mimosas. The rest of the day would simply consist of us shopping, resting, watching whatever she wants on my Plasma, and me cooking a heavy duty meal that would put us both to sleep.

Today was not that day, the brunette I told you about in the Kimbella post below well it didn't end well. Im new in town so I don't know how these chicks act all the time. As usual I took her home made her a drink and as usual I put my work in. Im drunk as shit so I don't fall asleep with the greatest of ease. I sneak out to the kitchen and end up drinking a entire bottle of Stoli, I try to fall asleep with the chick who will remain nameless in my bed but the shit just wont work. By this time it's like 9 in the morning so I watch the Arsenal game, still asleep. I wait a bit and watch Meet the Press she's still asleep, I lift some weights loud as fuck she's still asleep. Fuck it I even made some eggs and cooked some lamb. Honestly if you smell lamb or something you've never smelled before you wake the fuck up. This chick on the other hand stays stone cold asleep, she has to be faking the funk at this point.

I have now become pissed off and I am starting to feel trapped in my apartment, because for some reason she is enjoying the shit out of my bed and i'm waiting for the fucking game to come on, its the Playoffs people. So in my mind we have hit def con 5, I don't like you, you are still in my house, and you are beginning to ruin my day. Now certain people advised me to tell her my girl was coming home, but I said fuck it. You know what happens when I say fuck it I go into I could give a fuck less mode, I go into No Bueno territory. This meant I simply walked to the side of the bed and flipped the mattress. Yep I put that shit straight in air, yeah i made a fucking 90 degree angle with my mattress and my bed. Of course she rolled out hitting my white clothes with her feet and my floor with head.

What did I do you ask I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and allowed her to leave with what little dignity she had left.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

The chick on My Mind... Kimbella

2010-01-17T11:33:00.000-05:00

I come to my devoted following from the living room of my new apartment in Alexandria. The reason you ask, because there is a young woman sleeping in my bed and my better half says let her rest. Yeah it's been a Stoli night and when that happens I always have a taste for a bit of Russian love. Seeing as im in the boones of Louisiana I had to settle for the first cold hearted brunette I could find. Which leads me to the chick on my mind this fateful night, who is someone totally different from the girl twenty feet away from me. So this week we have Kimbella.

As you can see Kimbella holds none of the same qualities that you will find in the fake Russian substitute coon ass that is currently laying in my bed. Our lovely Kimbella sports lovely blonde locks that both you and I both know are fake. But if you know me it doesn't matter whether its a fake ass, tits, or hair once she gets naked we fuckin. Kimbella also happens to be of the black persuasion which doesn't go down in Russia. For real you should check out some Youtube videos on Russia and black people it makes the Dixie South look almost welcoming. Oh and as an aside I met a girl name Dixie and I think Dixie yelling my name would be sweet retribution just don't tell her.

Back to Kimbella look at that sweet ass she is working with damn I gotta thank my NT family for putting me on this one. I'll be honest i've seen her before the post but the pics did her no justice, in my mind she was just another chick that had a body to be ogled at and nothing more. In all honesty thats still true but fuck it at least she can make me look twice now.

Oh and that tat yeah it's gonna be bad in about ten years, but luckily I wont be around when that time comes around. I swear to God I don't know what it is with these chicks with tats but I want to lick every sing line on that piece of art. Sometime it leads me to licking things that don't even have ink on them, but that story is for a different time and place. Kimbella's little piece of body art would have me licking the tat and everywhere around it.

Fuck it peeps everyone take in the silky caramel that is Kimbella the two nice hopefully moist rounds that reside on her chest and the plump ass that is meant for only one thing. I hope you all enjoyed the pics and as you know if you haven't been in a 30 year coma you can Google all the rest of the images you need. I am currently the guy who has to go handle a rough and tumble brunette who currently resides in his bed. I guess i have one of two options depending on her. We'll either go at it again or i'll respectfully call her a taxi so I can sleep in my bed. For real because, I don't cuddle on the first night thats simp shit and that's not what S. Beamin is about.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

The Return of the Twerk Team

2010-01-13T11:03:00.000-05:00

As some of my loyal followers know I have what some would call a unhealthy obsession with a group of dancers from the ATL. Yes im talking about the Twerk Team, some people might be wondering why has it been so long in between Twerk Team post? The answer for one is I suspect some of those chicks might be underage and the thought of having them come over for a private party might be a one way ticket to Catch a Predator status. Second I saw some of their faces and there is a reason most of the time they dance ass to the camera. But it's a new year so in 2010 I think it's time to give them another chance, they are a year older and hopefully a few of them have grown into their faces.

AWWWW fuck man I was just looking for pics to add to the post and I fell into some shit. Like normal I typed Twerk Team into my Google search and for some reason one of the options was Twerk Team exposed, and you know me. I be damned if they don't have some damn naked flicks of Mizz Twerkzum. I can't be involved in this shit so what you do with the info is your business. Fuck it lets get down to what we came her for new videos. Yeah they had to do one to How Low Can You Go. Luda made this song for certain types of females to show they ass in the club and our team of twerkers does not fail.

Oh shit I just ran up on this shit while I was at it. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you found a strippers blog? Where they would talk and express themselves to the best of their ability, well damn here it is. Its one of those mixes that is just wrong almost enough dancing and just a touch too much talking. By too much talking they said more than two sentences, but I do appreciate the shout out to my former University in the second blog. It was done in true Twerk Team fashion though with FAMU booty shorts. Thats it im out I cant do this shit anymore I gotta a life to live.

God help us all I'm trying to better for real people but ya'll gotta help me

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

Shit You Dont Wanna Know About But Im Going To Tell You Anyways

2010-01-11T12:38:00.000-05:00

I've been on the move more specifically i've been moving to Louisiana well some of the shit is good some of it's sucked. The one thing that has sucked has been the on going war between me and my stomach. Yes me and my guts are locked in an intense battle of wills and only one of us will win. Right now I hate my fucking guts. In my opinion he started the war but he blames me, he says I ate some rank cajun shit, while I say he should have processed it and been done with it.

The battle has gotten so bad that I can barley go to work, or make it through a single meal. This dude comes with these fucked up sneak attacks out of no where. The worst one was when I was on my way to my first day of work. He started to lob some soft preliminary bombs at me early in the morning but I was able to evade those bad boys with quick thinking. The true problem came when he decided to let me get in my car. This son of a bitch waited until i was half way down the road to ambush me it was so bad I had to pull over and blow up a McDonalds. Have you ever seen the faces of the people when you run into a McDonalds dominate the restroom and don't even buy a Egg McMuffin, pure disgust.

It wasn't over yet as now it was my turn to strike instead of going Barack Obama on his ass with some Pepto I said fuck it and hit him with that George W. Yeah I cooked up a steaming hot bowl of chili, im talking the works. I put Jalapenos, Banana Peppers, Chili Peppers, and some Cayenne Peppers in there just for fun. Thats not it though because I know this fool hates dairy so added the 5 cheeses blend and Sour Cream, I don't even like Sour Cream. Fuck you nigga Im bringing the lactose.

Well that was a mistake as this mother fucker waited not 3 minutes into the meal before he decided it was atomic bomb time. Yeah dude unleashed his fury upon me, the sad thing is I could take it I survived, but there was collateral damage namely my toilet. That shit was fucked up like damn homey you used to be tha man homey fucked up. What sucked worst is the next day was my house keepers first day, fuck it she got paid ill see if she come back this week though.

It seems like the battle has slowed down but every now and then we take little pot shots at each other whether it be him making me miss the end of the 1st half of the Texas game or me eating at some fucked up hole in the wall. The battle lines have been drawn and if this fucker fucks around i'll cut him out. I decided to not include pictures because first that shit is disgusting and second what kind of grown man takes pictures of his shits.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

Fuck Gucci Mane

2010-01-10T15:02:00.000-05:00

Yeah I said it Fuck Gucci Mane, I thought we were all joking with all this Gucci Mane Shit, but no you fuck heads were serious. I mean I thought you all saw how big a joke this fuck nigga was but no you people actually like this sing song simple ass mother fucker. I started going in on this dude during the BET awards where they put this coon in every single performance. You mean to tell me a black diamond egg beater is the shit these days, or does it make it better if I refer to it as a whisk no it doesn't. I hope those diamonds are fake because your kids are gonna need that change when you go to jail, and yeah i will get to that. This Mother Fucker had the nerve to make an announcement talking about Im trying to live I aint trying to get killed. What kind of asshole has to go on BET and make an announcement that he's not trying to get murdered. If shit is so fucked out there that your pretty much putting out press releases and PSAs that say please dont shoot me you suck at life. And to be totally honest anyway you look at that shit it's weak first that shit aint gangsta and second why are people shooting at you dumbass.

Lets get on this dudes rhymes this motherfucker is the worst, the only song I half way like is Ridiculous why because the fact that people like this man is ridiculous. I downloaded that three Mixtape shit Gucci America, BurrRussia, and Greeat Brritian I think. Those shits were whack as shit. And don't get me started on The State vs. Radric Davis that shit wasn't even worth bootlegging and who names there child Radric, this man had no chance from birth. Seriously you got songs like Dangers Not a Stranger yeah it's not a stranger, because people are trying to shoot you to shut you the fuck up. And yes let us get to your adlibs GUCCI and BURRR! You know how dumb that shit is that shit is horrible, you have these dumb fucks running the street yeliing BURRR and GUCCI at the top of there lounges. The last straw was when I was in the Gucci store trying to buy some shit and a Grown Ass man just started picking shit up yelling GUCCI! I thought the shit was a joke when I would Tweet GUCCI next to my purchases, but this man was serious. I dont even know how to properly use BURR at first I thought that shit was supposed to mean shit sucked but now I don't know. Fuck it is what it is. Seriously MTV number 6 MC in the game, seriously?

Lets get to my favorite part of this shit which is ole dude going back to jail. I know Im not the only one that is happy about this shit. Gucci is one of those ugly ass mother fuckers that looks like Jail and his burnt black Bubba Gump lips just go together. Hopefully while this mother fucker rots in jail for a while people can step back and take a look at the shit that they have embraced. If you sit back and listen to this dude you will realize it's best to just try to jump on my bandwagon and say you were down with me from the jump.

Oh and when I knew this Mother Fucker was the worst was when he put on that White Suit for the Mariah Video he should have been sent to jail for that alone. Everyone knows that shit doesn't go with your complexion. And by complexion I mean tar, this dude is so dark he looks like Charcoal, or better yet a Raven. I seriously haven't called anyone a Raven or the Color Purple since high school, thats how much I hate this dude.

Thats it im done Fuck Gucci Mane, Fuck those Dudes who ride for him, and Fuck those people that catch feelings about the shit i wrote. The only thing that was worth while that Gucci has gave us is the debut of Eddie Murphy's daughter and Wacka Flacka Flame. Seriously that little white baby getting down to the boy Wacka makes me laugh every time. And with that im out people Fuck Gucci Mane.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

The Chick on My Mind... Freida Pinto

2010-01-10T10:05:00.000-05:00

This ones for Trav, I usually dont do request but, Trav drove me to my car when it was raining so i didn't fuck up my crispy SB dunks. So here we go the chick on my mind is Freida Pinto and make no mistake she is probably the hottest Indian Chick i've seen born in 82 since Millie Patel. What up Millie everyone said you were too old for me but the Millie and Willie connection was always there. Back to the topic at hand our lovely Ms. Pinto yeah I know the name evokes memories of a beat up car, but once you see this chick all you'll want to do is beat up here box. Seriously I dont know if she's been in anything but Slumdog Millionaire but if some director doesn't get here nude soon I don't know what's going on with this world.

Seriously people I used to be afraid of the Curry Cooch, I even took a pledge to avoid the Punjabi Pussy and man you don't even know what I missed out on. The world needs to embrace the Indian Hottie it is a must seriously there is like one well known Indian Pornstar out there and that shit aint right my Indian brothers need some mainstream stuff too. Now Pinto is a whole different breed she's the type of Indian chick you put up with certain shit for. Her Parents' house smells a little funny deal with it, food a little too spicy for you get over it, and those movies make no damn since fake it. Seriously look at her I would even put up with a hairier than expectable by 2010 standards.

This is the only Indian chick who I have ever seen pull off American Pin-Up style. It just gets me thinking about all the things I could get her to get dressed up in when we get together. And Im not talking just about Jasmine from Aladdin costumes or even a Pocahontas costume just for the play on red dot or feather. Im talking astronauts and Aliens the best part is painting her body then licking it off. Now I digress, because word on the street is she is still fucking with that big nosed skinny kid from the movie. Fuck that's not even a challenge I would feel bad for the kid actually, in reality i feel bad for him now if he thinks he can hang on to that piece of ass.

Well there you go the first ever request for a Chick on my Mind blog, and for a chick who wasn't on my mind i'd say I did a pretty good job. Yep so that's me patting myself on the back, this one was for you T. Redd I hope you enjoyed it. If you know how to actually get in contact with me and have a request I just might fufill yours too.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

Cunt of the YEAR 2009....Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab

2010-01-10T09:27:00.005-05:00

This is possibly the dumbest motherf*cker alive. I don't care if you are like clinically depressed. Who gives a f*ck? Not me or anyone in this world. His thought process was completely ridiculous. "Oh. no one cares about me. I am going to bomb a plane. Not just any plane. One that is going to the USA on the most joyous day of the year. In the name of ALLAH. Praise be to Allah. Salake ka Salem.' and all that muslin bulsh*t. (disclaimer: I respect all religions, but in this case I may have been a little insensitive......bite me okay)

WTF. Depressed people get on meds not try to bomb planes post 9/11. Look at Owen Wilson for instance. He tried to kill himself not other people. That's what depressed do. Let this be known....F*ck Al-Qaeda. Those are some crazy muslims. Like to the extreme. Terrorizing the world and sh*t. George Bush had the right mindset to rid the world of them all. So now we have extra security measures to get on planes and sh*t. Thank you, you dumb ass motherf*cker.

If you ever get out of prison, I will hunt you down and kick your ass. Tell your buddies in that desert company of yours that we will hunt them down and eat their hearts for dinner. Also, who wants to Bomb Detriot? There is nothing there. It is the unemployment capital of the US. More importantly, you are not Arab and do not have a beard thats 2 feet long. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror. You are African. Do some bad sh*t because countries are robbing you of your natural resources.

-Uncle Booze

Back from the Wilderness

2010-01-10T01:25:00.000-05:00

Alot of people have been asking where is S. Beamin? Some people thought I had given this shit up, some people thought I finally put my trust in a big butt and a smile causing me to slow down, some people thought my antics had caught up with me and I was dead. None of those things are true though the fact is my job moved me out into the boonies, yes i am now a resident of Louisiana. Not fun Louisiana but fuck it, this is no mans land Louisiana. So you know what that means yep the adventures will be only getting worse as I deal with these country fucks. The thing about it is I was so pissed when I got here I automatically left. Yeah I stayed the night woke up and drove to New Orleans.

New Orleans is the place where I effectively went into hiding I threw out a few tweets but nothing of true value, you know why, because I got fucked up. Im talking Sugar Bowl, New Years, Casinos and a bunch of Aggies fucked up. Have you ever partied with a bunch of Bearcats who have never won anything they get loose. I was out here wildin with Ohio women one chick got me to play her husband for the night and she even did some of her wifely duties while at Pat O's. But my friends from Aggie Land get down too, we shut Pat O's down im talking thirty bottles of Champagne, me taking down a bottle of Jameson, and the rest of the crew making sure Pat O's had no more Hurricanes left. I got fucked up, I got lost, and some how I got found.

The next day started off just ass fucked as we ate, drank Bloody Marys, and hit Bourbon for 12 straight hours. After the clubs kicked us out we tried to go to Rick's Cabaret, but as usual I got kicked out. It was one of the many times i got kicked out of places that weekend but every time I deserved it. One time I got kicked out of a bar went to the hotel switched sweaters and went right back in cause thats the shit I do. Well the lastnight in New Orleans I wandered the streets doing things Im not quite comfortable talking about so you know it's bad.

Being the guy I am I rallied got on the road and burned down the highway, in fact I was doing so much that I got a speeding ticket in some bum fuck Parish that I have to take care of. When I finally woke up after arriving at my apartment I went to the grocery store mind you it was 8 O'clock and there was none in this mother fucker. I mean this shit was dead as fuck it was me and 4 cashiers. Back at home the Grocery just gets poppin at 8 because we are all buying booze, and speaking of booze one of the best things about this town is they sell hard liquor everywhere. When I mean everywhere I mean if they sell food they have some liquor on hand Gas Station Check, Grocery Store Check, Bodega Check, the liquor stores have a drive through just to compete.

The town is boring but im getting over it I met some decent people who might be able to get down with this S. Beamin thing. The worst shit was I couldn't find a decent barber until today, so you know I was looking like Randy Moses long lost cousin. The shit was wild I had these crazy bitches coming out the word works getting at your boy. When I say out the wood works I mean straight Appalachian Mountain type hoes.There are some crazy mother fuckers out here though, I have never heard the word Coon Ass and Redneck thrown around with so much affection it's scary. And I dont understand half these Coon asses when they talk either so that shit is fun. Oh and did i mention it snowed on Tuesday and my Plasma is on the floor fuck it such is life.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

M.I.L.F.S. that I didn't have time to write about #1

2009-12-31T08:31:00.007-05:00

Today, I am off. Free from the adult life and ready to relive my glory days before I decide to tell you about my aggressive plan to make up for the last few months...I let the world know that I am back for good. Thats right. Here are some chicks I chose for my weekly MILF post but somehow didn't have time to write it.

Week ????-Venessa Marcil

I looked up her history on some movie website. Come to find out she has been on a few TV shows, mainly General Hospital. I am not a fan of soaps...that sh*t is not for me. The one thing I know about soaps is that the women are unstable. By unstable, they will sleep with just about anyone, kill just about anyone to sleep with just about anyone, and lie to just about anyone to sleep with just about anyone. I am not seeing this is how she is but she does play the character. I will let you be the judge.

Week ?????-Jennifer Connelly

She may not have a kid, but if she does she would definately be on this list. I was watching a movie and was like," She is hot and rather MILF looking." Meaning, I used her movie age to judge her true MILF status. Bare with me. I may not be a rocket scientist, but I am pretty good at judging whether a chick is a MILF. I was 19 in college and my friends were truly impressed by this random young lady. I told them to relax because she had kids. I can sniff a MILF a mile away. Turns out the 20 year old broad had a son and a baby daddy. i felt bad for the child.......NOT (Borat). She reminds me of how Megan Fox will look in the future. Yes Megan Fox can only hope to look this good in like 10 years. Blame Megan's parents for not giving her good genes to make her age well.

-Uncle Booze

Quote of the Week #1

2009-12-29T15:01:00.001-05:00

"Don't be a cunt your whole life!"

-Uncle Booze

Personals #4

2009-12-20T10:09:00.003-05:00

Craigslist Personal

Clarification - 40 (mobile)

Date: 2009-12-20, 8:49AM CST

Waiting to meet an African or African American man who is secure and clean ( DDD free as well as hygiene) partner for intimacy and dates, it would be nice if it leads to something more. I have been seperated for over 10 years and pending divorce. Its taken a while because I didn want to pay for it. Now I need to move on for business and financial reasons. I have had a couple very meaningful relationships but the end result was not permanent. I am very interested in having a commited relationship as I don’t have a problem with being loyal. But some people do and this is the type I want to avoid. If you need more than one woman to fulfill your desires then I am not for you. If you are not single/ separated /pending divorce or do not ultimately want a committed relationship then I am not for you. I don’t necessarily have to be the one you become committed to but at least be in a position to want to find out via dating and getting to know one another. I am in my early forties but I look to be in my mid thirties. I am full figured a size 18 to 20 depending on the style. I am an educated fair-skinned AA sister who enjoys a variety of music, culture and foods. I am very spiritual and give reverence to God and all he has created. I am very passionate and love to make love with the right person. I would prefer someone who is willing to be tested and someone who likes to give orally without being a baby if they don’t get it. That takes time for me because I am very picky and that is something I can only do once my feelings are involved. As you can tell I am really the marrying kind …if there is such a thing ...but that is something for you to decide. Make my day and hit me up! Would like to talk by phone this weekend and meet by next. Thanks for your time and interest.

Location: mobile
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1518253612

My Response:

"You have made my day. This is by far the funniest sh*t I have seen on here in a while. I always thought it was desperate for people to put themselves out on the internet like this, but you are classic. No dude wants to deal with a chick that has been pending divorce for 10 and have not completed it for financial reasons. This mean you are completely broke. This adds a completely new element, but its not a deal breaker. The deal breakers are:

You are over 40. This means menopause is right around the corner. You know that crazy phase where women are more prone to have hot flashes and stuff.
I am not the right person for you because I want more than 1 woman. Seriously, you are a size 18 to 20 (depending on the style). You are like 2 chicks in one. Get my drift?
You refuse to give but prefer to receive. Don't be a c*nt you while life. Word from the wise.
You talked about the almighty, then start talking about sinning.I may be a heathen at times, but you are the worst. I mean literally and figuratively the worst.
AA-no words. Get a boob job. You are too big to be flat. Flat is whack in the words of Whitney Houston.
You a picky. Next!!!!"

-Uncle Booze

The Chick on My Mind... Katerina Graham

2009-12-13T21:32:00.007-05:00

Im a little late on the updates this week because I got drunk as fuck last night (no big surprise there), but now I bring to you the latest chick on my mind. The winner is Katerina Graham a very special young lady currently starring on The Vampire Diaries, yes I said it the fucking Vampire Diaries. I your fearless leader S. Beamin watches some fucked up shit during the week, but thankfully it brings me things like this.

From the first time I saw this chick i knew she had stunner potential so I waited and let that shit marinate and now the kitchen timer has rung. I did some digging and it looks like our good witch Katerina has been trying to get it in on the scene for a minute. She has had some real I don't know what the fuck you where thinking moments, but fuck it she's hot.

I mean come on she's out there trying to get her sexy on with a trucker hat, I hope to God that that shit was from 03. Otherwise it has no place in this world. I'll be honest I fucked a chick who wanted to wear my White Von Dutch hat while doing the deed, it was a lil weird but fuck it it worked for her. So seeing that pic of Katerina brought me right back to that dorm room on FAMU's campus. Seriously I will never fuck on a twin mattress again for the rest of my, because We Off That.

So this week The Vampire Diaries is on every night for two hours on the CW so check it out. Katerina doesn't get the shine she really deserves but those glimpses you get will be well worth it. She does have one episode dedicated to her so make sure you dont miss that one. Ill be tuned in so hit me on the Twitter when you get to see what i've been enjoying.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter "The Situation" is doing it

My Bad T Reddd I forgot all about Slumdog chick I'll get to her during the week

I am Emotionally Unavailable #1

2009-12-01T17:26:00.002-05:00

Throughout college, my found utopia, chicks always wanted to get serious with your boy. I am not down for that sh*t. Do I look like sensitive guy number 1. Hell no. I am a grade A @ssshole that sh*ts on everything for my enjoyment. Yes. You try to make me look like a fool, I promise you I will come out on top by making you look like a tribe from one of those National Geographic documentaries. You will be fishing the lagoon with a stick in leaf clothing. Get the point?

I sure hope so.

For the record, I wasn't looking to get all emotional and stuff because I am emotionally unavailable. There are only 3 things I need from chicks....food, sex, and booze. Your heart you could keep. At least I am being honest. Some guys would lead a chick on to hit...not me. I hit them with the truth. The only thing I could offer resides in my pants. It is a symbiotic relationship.....You get naked and I let you. Your boy is back. If you don't like the terms....keep it moving because I looking for the next chick in line........... ding number 123,890 Uncle Booze is now ready for you to put out.

People are always like Booze you can be more sensitive. I don't know how. Hell I don't even have tears ducts. Yes they do not exist on me. So I would just tell chicks,get your mind right. This is what it is and this is how its going to be. I don't care about your day, family, or anything that does not revolve around me getting pleasured. I truly mean this. Besides you know the terms before you got into them because of my honesty.

-Uncle Booze

The Chick on My Mind...A Whole Bunch of Them

2009-11-29T12:15:00.001-05:00

The last few weeks i've been busy so I couldn't keep you up to date on all the chicks who have been running through my head. I also have been actually contemplating real life chick situations that have been plaguing your boy. I know your supposed to complain on your blog, but I don't so fuck it. If you do run into a real chick down chick though let me know. Lets get to the matter at hand the chicks running through my mind, and let me tell you there have been a ton of them so as your benevolent leader i've decided to give you a taste of what's going on. There is a smattering of different ladies from all walks of life and all types of different carreer choices are covered here. So without further ado here we go.

The first chick on the list is Kathryn Morris of Cold Case fame. I don't know what it is but the fact that she's paler than death just does it for your captain. I mean this girl is damn near translucent, I think I would end up calling her ghost when we hit the sheets. If you had white sheets and she closed her eyes and mouth she would disappear, but when you turned the lights out she would probably glow. Im glad to see her doing some sexy shit even if it is all the way in Europe. If she got with me we would have those flicks done right here in the states.

Next on the list is Jill Marie Jones and without a doubt it's all about those lips. Do you see those soup coolers, man im sure they could warm up my beast just as well as she cools that soup. Our girl Jill here also used to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so yeah there are pictures of her out there strutting around in those white boots. From what I can tell she's currently unemployed so she can dig that old uni out and come by my house. Im pretty sure I would have her cheering before and after our little game of dress up.

I've been promising myself I would do a post on this chick ever since she graced my Plasma as part of Californication. You shouldn't even have to ask the reason just look at those tits I mean my God, I usually don't use the term rack but look at that rack. The best part is that she got naked on the show and was excited about it, not only that she did it while working the pole. Yep that's right she played a student stripping her way throgh college, come on you gotta love it. If she ever wanted to tone up those arms she could use me for a shake weight.

The next chick on the list is Maria Ozawa and yes she does adult films. Maria is a wonderful combination of Japanese and French Canadian, I never knew how that would turn out, but the answer is good. You know what I don't even hold it against her that she sucks dicks for a living we wont ever get married but fuck and go out on the low yes. I'll be honest I've seen the girl in action and some of the noises she makes will get a deaf man hard. Hey she's pretty face in a ugly industry but atleast we get to see her naked at the click of a button.

Now we come to the one and only Grace Park of Battle Star Galactica and The Cleaner fame. I've never seen battle star mainly because im not a nerd, but I did enjoy her work on the cleaner. I say did because both of those shows have been canceled making Grace the second unemployed woman on my list. I don't know what skills she has other than looking hot and acting but she can find work at my house. I know for sure one job she could for me about 4 times a day. I think the best option is for here to just come over and apply.

The final chick is just a sneak peek of what we have coming up this week in the form of the Victoria Secret Fashion show. Sweet Candice her comes to us from South Africa so for techinical purposesshe is African and if she lived here a African American. I know there are a bunch of fine black women in South Africa and so far the only white ones i've seen are Candice and Charlize Theron so the signs bode well. In any case I might not make it out there for the world cup, but i'll be out there soon with a 100 pack of Trojans. Yeah a ton of condoms 1 because im pretty sure alot of them have that Batman Forever (AIDS) and I can't have no real African kids.

Next week we'll be back to regular rotation and no T Redd I didn't forget you because as you can see next week belongs to Freida Pinto. Yes the first Indian chick i've done a post for and the only reason Slum Dog Millionaire is still on my DVR.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter stars from The Hills are doing it

The New Axis of Evil

2009-11-28T11:33:00.004-05:00

Thanks to the Bush administration we have a new phrase in our vernacular "Axis of Evil" now while most people look at anyone involved in an axis with disgust and contempt I see it another way. The Axis is simply a group of people that are hated by the masses because they decide to stretch the bounds of what is acceptable to those in the norm. The "Axis of Evil" as we once knew it consisted of three countries that dared to spit in the face of the worlds last great super power. It is simply three countries that were thrown together without any formal agreement Iraq, Iran and North Korea. While things have not worked out so swimmingly for that "Axis of Evil" the new one looks to break the rules of conformity in a brand new way. Who makes up this new Axis you say, well that answer is easy Spencer Pratt, Scott of "Keeping up with the Kardashians" fame and your fearless leader S. Beamin.

The first step to create a Axis of course is for someone to present the idea that these three are somewhat related in their mindset and way of doing things. So lets go to the source the person who made this connections, that person would of course be my friend C. Maki. For some unknown reason one day while watching that sham of a Tv special known as the Kardashian Wedding special she had an Idea. That idea was that S. Beamin and Scott were similar personalities. While I disagreed at first the idea was soon co-signed by her friend Mia aka My Future Baby Momma. It was something to do with or overwhelming confidence and high opinion of ourselves The problem was there was only two, but then in the following week the third member was found by Ms. Maki the one and only Spencer Pratt.

Looking at the original Axis lets see how these three fit into our world spectrum. In this Axis Spencer represents Iraq as he is the member with the longest standing as a source of infamy. Spencer has been in-battled with a long time nemesis in the form of Lauren Conrad, but like Iraq he survived the first skirmish and even won some of the spoils in the form of his lovely wife Heidi Montag. Currently like Iraq he is embattled in a new battle with the woman he married as she tries to force a child upon him. Will he win only time will tell.

Scott on the other hand represents Iran a country long looked at with contempt by the world yet just powerful enough to keep them at arms length. Like Iran and Iraq Spencer and Scott live in a similar vacinty, but held no alliance until now. Scott showed up sporadically in years past as simply the modern day incarnation of all those 80's teen movie villains. He seemed to always get the girl that others didn't think he deserved, he was the kind of guy who wormed his way into your life as a seemingly kind hearted fellow. That is until you got to know him when he soon started to exude confidence that others saw as cockiness. He might seem slightly swarmy or smarmy to some, but now like Iran he has a ace in the hole. While Iran may potentially hold a nuke, Scott has knocked up a Kardashian the simplest way in the world to seal yourself into a family.

The third member of the axis is yours truly S. Beamin who takes the mantle of North Korea. Why North Korea, because Im unpredictable. As the only person not connected to a significant other I am isolated much like North Korea. What does that mean, simply it means I can pop up anywhere and drop a bomb just like North Korea. You think Im taking a break from creating trouble I test a nuke just like North Korea. I also have an utter disregard for any kind of authority other than my own. Im simply a taller, better looking, and dressing version of Kim Jong Il. If i don't like something i simply destroy it, if i want something I simply go out and take it and like Kim the first time I played golf I shot -20. I'm simply the worlds Wild Card so crazy that the word unpredictable doesn't do me justice.

So yes world we are here, the new "Axis of Evil" we aim for world domination and to succeed where the original one failed. We will be in your lives and homes forever and we will make you conform to our will. So when you wake up in a cold sweat wondering what has happened to your world thank C. Maki, because without her the greatness that are these three individuals may never have come together to form the new "Axis of Evil".

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter Spencer Pratt is doing it

Cult of Cartman.....1

2009-11-21T09:50:00.001-05:00

A Chick Personal.......My Reply

2009-11-21T00:18:00.000-05:00

Question of the day! - w4m - 22 (Kenmore)

Date: 2009-10-02, 9:39PM CDT

Is it clouds in the sky or is it smog? I hate to be that way but its like 22 degrees and yucky. And is it just me or does it seem like the city is getting dirtier and dirtier every single year? Of course, I think I complain about this every year and I never move away. Oh, well. If your not doing anything today would you like to have a drink or something?

Location: Kenmore all rolled
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1403876218

My response:

If its you asking, its smog. If its you the city is getting very dirty in a very bad way. Dirty like a fat chick tring to keep her vaage from smelling like fish. It doesn't happen much. One time, I was at a party and went to take a piss after a fat chick and it was the worst smell ever experienced by my nose to this day. The smell reminded me of a dead person and a skunk had a baby. The baby would be called sh*t head.

Sigh.........

Being S. Beamin

2009-11-18T21:32:00.007-05:00

You see that was Don Draper who is pretty much a 1960's version of S. Beamin. I know most of you want to know how to be S. Beamin so i'll tell you how to do it in four impossible steps, because you can never be as great as me, but being a pale imitation should suffice for your time on this earth.

1. Realize you are better than 99% of the people in the world.
Seriously if you were as amazing as me you would simply want to cry every morning when you realize you have to share the same air as some of the cretins. The only way to get through the day is to focus on the few people that can actually hold a candle to your greatness. The important thing is to befriend them for two totally different reasons, you befriend other men to gain their trust and then use their weakness to crush them. There is no real need to have any real competition in the world so destroying their self esteem should suffice. Women on the other hand you should befriend for the purposes of pro creation, if you are any where near as amazing as I am it is your God given duty to help create more beings with your DNA. Half of me is better than all of anyone else.

2. Be amazing at everything you do, and make it look effortless.
Some people in the world have trouble with things if you're anything like S. Beamin you don't. Never has there been a day in the life of S. Beamin that a situation has arose that I could not handle with ease. Im a modern day Super Hero it seems like no matter what the world throws at me I am the actual Teflon Don. Oh and if something were to ever happen that was in the least bit precarious there is no doubt I could slip my way out of it so is the life of S. Beamin

3. Be ahead of the curve on everything.
When I say everything I mean everything if you need to know the order of this years upcoming draft call me. If you need to know where the hottest vacation spot is you call me. The best bar in the city you call me, the best club you call me and guess what I don't even go to clubs. You know the fall collections from your favorite fashion houses I know their muses and where they got their direction from. The latest restaurants, shoes, and hot chicks on the scene you call me. And if you think of any other questions you can call me.

4. Be the opposite of who you really are, because you are no where near being S. Beamin
I should really apologize to you because I gave you the false hope that you could actually be like me. The sad fact of the matter is that you can't even become that pale imitation of me we talked about earlier. There is only one person who could hope to ever be as amazing as me and that will be a tough task for the "6th". So when you see me just bask in the glory that is S. Beamin, please don't think that i'll rub off on you because it would make me sick to even touch you.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

C*nt of the Week #1

2009-11-05T21:00:00.006-05:00

Damn man. You get robbed like every year and then the public know you are broke. Some life you lived. You have made over 55 million net without saving sh*t; you my friend are an idiot. Not just any idiot but a motherf*cking idiot that needed to get a real f*cking education.

The sad thing was you just won a ring a year ago. A NBA title ring. You are officially a cunt beyond belief. Antoine Walker you are is indicative of your 1st name......black uneducated and your resume will get overlooked based off your name. It is like when you apply for a job and on the top of your resume the following names show up:

- some black sh*t I can't spell because it doesn't exist in the English language

- some Mexican sh*t that belongs in Texas. Honestly it's your country too

- some Asian sh*t that takes like a million sticks to make a word

People the list can go on. My ignorance can continue to the point of supreme ignorrance, but I am trying to keep my blog.

The reality of the situation you have officially added to the Americans that have loss everything do to pure ignorance.

-Uncle Booze

Halloween....Costume

2009-10-31T20:11:00.003-04:00

Tonight is going to be epic. Yes.....I have decided to get it in. No one will know who I am, thanks to my costume. If you are wondering what I am going as, you will never guess. So I have decided to let you know. I am going as a SLAVE,. Not just any SLAVE. An educated house slave. I know that you think it may or may not be offensive, but who cares what you think. Kunta...is my name.

I went to the thrift store, got an old shirt cut it up to make whip makes visible on my back, and made chains with paper. not just any paper. Printer paper. F*ck that going green sh*t. O will be long gone before I even experience the effects of me being a savage to the Earth.

I will keep you posted about my journey and may even decide to pick a less offensive character like a Pimp, maybe even Osama, or a member of the KKK. I think I will go as a CRACKHEAD. Whatever I decide, I will ensure I am in character the whole night or else it wouldn't be worth it.

My drink of choice will be no other than HOLY WATER. Not from a church, but a mixture of every VODKA and Mexican Voodoo Tequila known to man. My mission people is to Piss on some random chick and get her to scream that she wants more. I'm no R. Kelly, but thats like the worst sh*t I can think of right now. It's even more disrespectful than f*cking one chick one hour then going to the next door and f*ck her mother.

Until the party get started.....I am mobile blogging tonight so disregard the grammar because in a few hours my brain is going to actually shut down due to the my blood thinning from high alcohol consumption.

-Uncle Booze

Straight No Chaser

2009-10-29T23:42:00.007-04:00

Sometimes your boy S Beamin decides to make the weekend special, and by special i mean I get trashed. Well last Thursday I decided to make it a Straight No Chaser weekend, it was so viscous that I can only write about it now. The sickest part is I just started to piece together what went down. So the best thing to do is start from the beginning which was Friday at lunch, being S DOt a weekend like this has to fueled by some fire ass liquor. My choice was of course Belvedere IX. As I told yall earlier that IX be hittin, because it's 100 proof give. With the bottle in hand I went down the road of no return. I of course had to grab 24 buds to make sure I could do white trash saturday right. So Friday was a normal fun nights with fam as my Aunt from San Antonio who also likes the drink.

Saturday I woke up grabbed the Snuggie took a swig of the beer on the floor and the bottle of IX and tried to remember what happened the night before. I grabbed another beer and a few text and my day was planned. Step 1 kill 8 brews done with the ease, step 2 go to Gucci and get some new shades. This also happened without incident other than I got the last pair of glasses and old Slim Thug looking dude was pissed. On second thought that might have been Slim. So step 3 I had to meet up with my Boy Wise for Zieg Fest. Me being me I thought Zeig Fest was a beer carnival like Beer Fest in Tally where you go around drinking for free after cover charge, boy was I wrong.

The first thing that told me I fucked up was when Wise said he was waiting on his boys to pick up beer, why would they need beer at a beer fest? I said fuck it so we all jump in the 4 door family ride and start smashing road beers, next clue I had fucked up is when we pulled into Specs liquor. This is when I found out that I was headed to a country music festival, AWWWWW FUCK ME! Now I gotta get drunk so we all by Travelers of liquor to sneak in, being an asshole I get the big bottle so I can get at it.

When we get to the fest I found out it's hide liquor time now im about 16 beers deep so I've got no boot to stick booze in so down the front of my pants it goes. I know look like my dick has the most girth ever, but fuck it lets go.
Once inside I get more beer, I get more drunk and run into a chick I used to know from high school. I was a dick to this chick all through school, but now she's lookin aight so I setup the next weekend get together and im off. As per usual I slam the whiskey sharing with one of her friends and get loaded. After Zieg we get more drunk and I pass out on the couch.

Now here is where it gets bad I on Sunday it was tailgating time so on three hours of sleep I grab a 24 Wise grabs another 24 and we all head to the game. I proceed to get hammered on the light rail, I then get hammered at the tailgate next to the whole roasted pig, and continue drinking at the game. Supposedly the game was good, but I drank blacked out, and then passed out. I got out of the stadium and now I don't remember shit. Supposedly I stumbled around Wise's apartment building until security found me passed out in from of a door. I told him I was headed home, he took my keys and phone and called my DAD. I woke up on a couch parents there dragging me up three flights of stairs.

The next thing I know I wake up at my house with a beer in my hand and 4 hours until work starts. I of course make it to work hungover all to hell. My boss proceeds to make fun of me and tell me to lay low which I did. Three days later we all laughed about it and now im writing this. So tomorrow I have a devils night party, and then a kegger on Halloween. So it's high school chick friday, then Wise, crew, high school chick (again) and her crew. This is the life I live people it gets no better.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

On Demand Has Commercials WTF.

2009-10-23T17:50:00.002-04:00

I watch on demand because I don't have real time to watch shows when they air. I owe it to my job and sh*t. Being a young professional is hard....sigh. However, I was watching South Park, on demand, and all of a sudden a f*cking commercial comes on. I do not want to see that sh*t. Comcast is taking this making many sh*t too seriously. Honestly, the only reason most people watch on demand is to avoid the commercials. If I wanted to see commercials, I would watch normal cable and sh*t. I know my boy S. Beamin hates commercial, but this is getting ridiculous.

Honestly, I feel that Comcast is cheating me. It kind of like when you order a message at one of those Asian spots and ask for the happy ending......while in the act of the happy ending she only lets you put it in half-way and refuses to polish the door knob. That's how cheated I feel at this moment and time. Comcast you have fooled me this time and you will not get me again.

-Uncle Booze

Ramen Noodles AKA Titty Boy Crack

2009-10-20T23:49:00.005-04:00

You know how some videos start off at a 2 and raise to a ten well this shit started at 7 and got to about a 23. First off this shit has no intro it's all killer no filler. Lets start from the beginning where Titty boy as he will be known from here on out wants his cousin to get away from his noodles. Will you let his noodle go, will you? Hell naw and thats when Titty boy explodes, because he swears those are his noodles. He put that shit on everything including his Grandmama and his Grandaddy grave.
Now i've had Ramen noodles and them shits have never been that serious. You know those things go for a dime a piece on the regular. I even found them 2 for a penny one day. Do you understand how cheap that is, if I decided to get one pack of 1/2 penny noodles all hell would break lose. I'm going to do that shit and be like I need change for this penny.
I also liked how Titty boy then went Super Saiyan on the women in the house and started calling them bitches. Yeah they some bitches for letting his cousin steal them damn noodles. I liked that he couldn't keep his composure and started breaking down early. That shows you the real bitch that lies within Titty boy. To top it off his cousin goes in on him for being fat and a thief. Once again people this was all over some Ramen fucking noodles or as his cousin said "Dez here Ramen Noodles Baby!". Coonery at it's finest Coonery at it's finest.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

Second Job...Denied

2009-10-18T21:09:00.010-04:00

I got inspired by that show on HBO....Bored To Death......to teach people the way of booze. Apparently, the world isn't ready to learn my ways because my ad on Craigslist, in the job wanted section, was removed. I posted my resume and the sh*t got taken down real quick. Like a matter of an hour or two. It pisses my off because "professional entertainers"/ "I'm really am a hooker, not an escort" get to put ads, but a local drunk cannot. WTF.

flagged & removed: 1425965540 (resumes) Drunk For Hire.....Seriously

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Date: 1255812484

PostID: 1425965540

Title: (resumes) Drunk For Hire.....Seriously

I am a local drunk that loves to have a good time and willing to help you drink your booze. I want to get paid for my antics and philosophies on life. I seriously thought that putting myself on Craigs List would open up new opportunities for me in life that consist of the following:

- Drinking booze to the point of no return; I don't want to feel my face.

- Meeting hot chicks that put out. Normally, I wouldn't put this because it sounds bad, but we are all adults here. I have safe practices. I ask for their papers and strap up.

- Bar hopping. This is my favorite pass time and you should try it. I even initiated a world beer tour. I'm trying like every beer known to man thats served at bars.

- Passing out in bushes and getting found 2 days later.

- Losing my car for a period of like 2 weeks. I refuse to purchase lo-jac so sh*t happens. This seems to be consistent.

- Being the life of the party. This is my trademark. I can teach you the technique

- Supporting single mother's one dollar at a time (Strippers). I know its not a respectable profession, but to me its like a spa treatment for males.

- Pissing on like random stuff. This one time in college, I pissed on the hood of this chick's car because she deserved it. To this day, everyone reminds me of all the dumb sh*t I have done.

The above list is things I do on a regular basis and could show you the way. We all are on the earth for a brief period, so make the best of it. Being a drunk is fun and easy when you get the hang of it.

Serious offers only or whatever.

-Uncle Booze

www.uncleboozepresents.blogspot.com

The Chick on My Mind...... Ana Beatriz Barros

2009-10-18T11:34:00.007-04:00

This week the chick on my mind happens to come from the land of carnival, soccer, and g-strings. Yes the the only BRIC country that is on everyones list of travel destinations, Brazil. By the way BRIC stands for Brazil, Russia, India, and China they're the upcoming nations that are trying to enter the class of world super powers. Enough with that and lets get to the chick the one the only Ana Beatriz Barros. Ana is simply one of those chicks you see and now there is something a little more there. She carries with her a hint of danger. In most peoples book she comes in at number three in the ranks of Brazilian super models, behind Adriana, and Alessandra.

You see with Adriana you get the clean, classy image of a young woman, while Alessandra seems fun and flirty. Ana has a edge to her that just captivates a the watcher. It really doesn't matter, because she's hot and in the real world that's all that should count. She seems to go through phases though for me for some reason she's not always model pretty, but she's always girlfriend pretty.
I used to have that picture on a t-shirt when I was younger, because I was in love with how it looked. To tell the truth I have to thank Ana for getting me laid. After getting ridiculously drunk one night me and my friends decided to combat out hangovers at Hooters. As we were leaving one of the Hooters girls asked me who was on my shirt. Me being S. Beamin I told her it was my ex who broke up with me the night before. In classic fashion she wanted to console, so I told her and her friend to come to the party I just made up. The night ended like most that include me and a chick in a hot tub so thanks Ana.
I've been a Ana fan for a while so that GQ cover you see up there has been at my crib forever, and the sick thing about it is it's English GQ. I have no idea why she gets no time in our GQ, but she's in the English version again so go check it out. I'll end this post with what can only be known as the trifecta or the greatest things to come out of Brazil including the soccer team.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

Traffic......SMH

2009-10-17T15:37:00.004-04:00

Lately, I have been driving in some pretty rough traffic and Friday was the worst. It took me 2 hours to get home from work. I was literally moving at the speed when you take your foot of the brake without pressing the gas. So while in traffic I remembered that I had a huge bottle of Johnny Walker Black in my trunk from my surprise party from last weekend. What is booze to do?

I got out of my car, popped the trunk, and got my best friend Johnny Walker Black. I know drinking and driving is wrong, but do you call moving at the pace of a snell driving... you a sadly mistaken. While in the middle of the expressway, I took the bottle to the head. Other drivers looked at me like I was crazy, but for that break moment in time, I was in complete bliss.

More to come next week. I am back to win it.

-Uncle Booze

So Blackface is the Shit Again?

2009-10-15T13:25:00.002-04:00

I guess I missed it but I guess the end of 2009 has decided that this is the year of the blackface. I usually dont get too serious on the blog, but I guess this shit kinda fucks me up. People are running around thinking this is just the shit to do like everybody just said black president blackface lets do it. No that shit is not how it goes that shit is not kosher with the Real World team. Lets see how this shit is going down.
Okay the Japanese are the lowest on the offensive meter. They either decide to tan way too much or use a darker shade of make up to fit in. For some odd reason these little shits think they are actually paying homage to black people. I liked Bruce Lee as much as the next guy but you didn't see me pulling my eyes back and getting a smaller cock. What they fail to realize is no black person would ever talk to them looking like that, but at least they went full body the commitment counts for something.
This shit shocked the fuck out of me, then I realized Mad Men was set in a time of racial insensitivity. You ever watch someone on TV and you hate them for some unknown reason? Yeah thats how I felt about Roger Sterling for two whole seasons of Mad Men, then he did that shit.

Yeah that confirmed dude was a piece of shit. He went straight up shoe polish to the face in front of all his friends and family at his engagement party. I think that mother fucker had a line in the song about the darkies being happy and gay. When Don Draper looked at him with contempt I was actually more of a Don fan then ever before. You know I used to like the dude because he kicked ass at life, fucked his hot wife, fucked hot chicks, and got away with it, but our mutual hatred of Roger sealed it. Eat shit and die fucker

In the last week there have been two international incidents involving blackface the first of which happened in Australia watch the video above. I guess it was the 20th anniversary of some gong show and they decided to bring back a Jackson 5 group. Well not that it wasn't bad enough to have a Jackson 5 parody group after Jacko's death these mother fuckers went all out. Yeah they decided black face was the shit to do. I guess no one told them that the shit was fucked up the first time they did it years ago. These fucks somehow are doctors in their country. Harry Connick Jr our boy from the South wasn't down with that shit, he let Australia know that shit wasn't where it's at.

The latest shit that actually got me going was this is blackface fashion forward shit. French Vogue, not Anna Wintour led American Vogue decided to rock 14 pages of blackface. I don't know who decided this was the shit OK actually I do, Carine Roitfeld. Carine has been the toast of the town for a few years as people try to find someone to replace Anna, but she aint going to well. I always thought the bitch was stylish but was seriously lacking in the face. An Lara Stone the model who did the shoot don't give me that im a model I do the job shit. Im not going to say the chick is not pretty, but she's not top five model status, come to think of it she's not even top 5 Dutch model status. I guess im the only one who feels this way as 60% of the people think the shit is artistic and fashion forward.
Fuck it guys the shit is what it is, all I want you to know is don't pull that shit within 50 feet of me. Ted Danson you thought I forgot about your ass, or the pass that Whoopi gave you counted. Naw homey that shit is still on when I see you im going to fire your ass up. You try to pay that shit back through appearances on Curb Your Enthusiasim and Damages, but it ain't cutting it. So Ted Danson and Roger Sterling get ready for ass whoopins, Carine Roitfeld, Lara Stone, and Japanese chicks get ready for me to stick it in your butt without asking. That's it bitches im out!

- S. Beamin
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January Jones Deserves it So She Gets it Early

2009-10-14T18:09:00.008-04:00

Everyone knows that im a huge Mad Men fan I actually watched the first season before people started clamoring about how great it was. Yes your boy was out there early on this shit. To be honest there were two reasons I was on board and neither was Don Draper. One was blonde and the other was a red head, seeing as how the red head just got married i'll be respectful and hold off on here. On the other hand the blonde decided this was the week to push herself over the top. January Jones is stunning like seriously stunning. She makes me a black man want to go back to the civil rights era, just to get a chance at smashing Betty Draper. Im pretty sure my boy T Redd knows what im talking about. You know what no more talking just pictures, thanks GQ, January Jones, and our father Christ the Lord.

That's it im not going to be lewd or crude, but respectful. The reason is because she's a lady and for now that means respect. After a few beers though all that shit will go out the window, and the when in doubt whip it out method of attraction will come into play. Damn after a few back shots I might even have her ass plump like it should be.

- S. Beamin
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Pussy Vs. Penis Power

2009-10-12T20:06:00.006-04:00

Over the Years there is certain shit that sticks with you and today i'll share one of those things with you. It comes in a form of a woman named Aleyxss K Tylor. Aleyxss was the first woman to articulate what I had been possessing my whole life, that would be Penis power. Seriously this chick gets so descriptive about the things that a man with Penis power can do to a woman it makes me die laughing. You heard the Camron bottom of the Pussy whole, yeah this chick is the one who came up with the shit.

One thing she does mention though is pussy power. It's one of those things that is truly a conundrum as pussy power is both great and terrible. If it is as good as it is made out to be you would seem to live life in a woman's lap with no need for life. The problem is that as a man you would no longer have what people refer to as balls. You would end up cuckold by a woman who would then more than likely embarrasse you. In a simple explanation you would for all essential purposes become a bitch. Now lets take a look at my all time favorite Alexyss clip.

Oh yes my man behind the camera said he would make her his bust it baby. Now I went to school in Florida so you could say some Goon shit to chicks, but any lady who has ever worn a proper dress ain't for that shit. You could see her realize he went there with her and the chick just snapped. The guest tried to put there two cents in and she wasn't tryin to hear that shit. Dude tried to run that Janet and Jermaine shit, but it was to late for all that. Alexyss fucked up though when she said come make me your bust it baby, dude got scared, on the other hand I would have fucked that shit up. She would have never got through all those posses, your boy would have been a blur, she would have been head down, ass up for the world to see. The Bust it baby clip would have turned into S. Beamin bust in Alexyss "Pussy Power" Tylor's face.

Bitch is crazy but ill hit her walls and work the middle so holla at ya boy if you want me to hit the bottom of your pussy hole.

- S. Beamin
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The Chick on MY Mind.....Dani Ramirez

2009-10-11T11:08:00.001-04:00

This week the chick on my ind is a latina stunner. She has been on most peoples radar for a minute, but that's the reason im doing this post. I don't know how in the world almost three months passed in my life with little to know Dania Ramirez coverage. Seriously when this chick was on Heroes she was getting pub like no other. I mean she was on every red carpet from here to Sweden. Now that she's gone these fucks at Heroes want to have Hayden kiss a girl. Not to be mean to the chick she's kissing but that chick is only remotely attractive when naked and totally a waste of space when closed.
Do you know why I know Dania would have done a great job in that role, because the first time i saw her she was dikin out. Not only was she dikin out, but she was butt ass naked 50 percent of the time. Yeah i'm talking about She Hate Me. Seriously I think thats how all hot chicks should introduce themselves to the world naked and licking pussy. Seriously though either they come in like that or naked and sucking my dick. It seems like it's already the way to come into porn so regular acting shouldn't be a problem.
Oh and who's pussy was she licking in the movie Kerry Washington's. Yeah I know about 80% of yall are now no longer reading and have made the move to your local Best Buy, because no one rents or waits on Net Flix these days. Let me calm down and apologize for the use of the word pussy throughout the blog. I should have used cunt as it's a better overall word and it pisses people off.
Back to Dani she's about 29 now so I think I should fuck her before she turns thirty. Actually chicks get more intense with age and as anyone knows I fuck chicks of all ages. Lega Ages mind you no Polanski over here folks, the man has been trying to get me and that shit aint gonna be the charge. Well what else can I say I like the tits, I like the ass, and I even like the face so I'm down if you are Dani, so hang up the phone.

- S. Beamin
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I Don't Want to Talk to You

2009-10-09T11:49:00.000-04:00

As we've seen in other previous Im not a big fan of people and the people I hate the most are the ones who want to talk to me. Seriously unless you are a hot chick who equals dime status in the eyes of 9 out of 10 don't talk to me. I should really say those type of people shouldn't even look at me. There is nothing I hate more than a person just waiting for me and my friends to give them an opening to jump in. Oh and when those fuckers jump in it takes everything in my heart and sul not to rip there arm off and stuff it in there mouthes. What fucking asinine thought went through your head that made you think that was a good idea? Are you going to add something to the conversation. Or are you going to make new friends with your witty banter, that shit just ain't gonna happen.

The thing that pisses me off more than that is when I go to lunch on my solo and someone tries to strike up a conversation. Seriously this is my alone time, this is when I get my S. Beamin on nobody but me. Im trying get my thoughts together and you're over there glaring from your table waiting. Me im thinking what the fuck is this little fucker waiting for does he want to go, because we can go, That's never what happens though it's always some loser who wants to start a fifteen minute discussion. I don't have fifteen minutes for most people I know let alone you asshole.

All Im saying is leave me and other people like me the fuck alone. I don't want any new friends, because to be honest i don't want most of the friends I have now. You wont become my new best friend no matter how hard you try. Remember though if you're a hot chick that nothing I said in the above blog applies to you. And for those of you that say Beamin what about when you approach women at the bar, bookstore or some random location? Do you know what I say those ladies want it, because a real man known as S. Beamin just walked into their lives.

- S. Beamin
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the insane rain

2009-10-09T09:27:00.000-04:00

People we can all relate to how our uncontrollable foe the rain sneaks up on us and pour down like syrup in a food fetish porn. Well, this morning the semi unimaginable happened. I am casually walking with my umbrella to the train station when the wind decided to switch its direction of travel without proper approval from the local weather man.

I immediately found myself stuggling to save my prize umbrella and more important my business casual attire as I headed into the office. Before I knew it, I was wet beyond the point of no return and walking head on into the worthy opponent. I must admit that I was losing the battle, but I didn't get discouraged. I briskly walked to the train station as gush after gush of liquid from the sky hit my finely ironed pants drip by drip.

You would be pleased to know that I finally made it to the train station and caught a train just by the hair on my "chinny chin chin". To my disappointment, I am reminded of my battle this morning as my elbows rest on my pants to write this post and the water makes it way to my skin. Such an uncomfortable feeling.

-Uncle Booze

It's Not Just You I Hate People in General

2009-10-08T11:30:00.000-04:00

The other day me and a friend were chilling with someone I had recently become acquainted with. Well as things go we were having a conversation and I said something insensitive. She said it was actually racially insensitive, maybe even borderline racist. Before I could rip her arm off and feed it to her size two ass and inform her that I was going to stick it in her ass tonight without telling her, our friend jumped in. He quickly explained that S Dot doesn't hate certain people he hates all people.

You see this is the fact of being S. Beamin I hate all people except the ones I like. That means if I don't know you I automatically dislike you, and if you're not nearly perfect on first inspection I officially hate you. You see I don't hate white people, because they smell like wet dogs I hate them because they're other people. I don't hate the white man because he stole the Indians land and enslaved my people I hate him off GP.

I don't hate Indians or the Redman, because they huff spray paint and drink more than a local whino. I don't hate them because they were too weak to look and see the deception that was behind the pale mans promises. I mean I don't even hate the dot Indians for eating curry, smelling like curry, bathing in curry, and painting there walls in Curry. I hate them for who they are.

Do you think I don't like Asians, because they can't drive no. Do you think I hate them because they they're all small and refuse to speak english when surrounded by there own kind, nope. I hate them for who they are another person that has failed to reach the standards that I have set forth. People think I hate Jews it's not true they may have hook noses and be stingy little fucks, but that's not my problem. I don't like them, because they don't fall in line with a vision I have for people I like.

My friend Thomas was under the impression for years that I didn't like Mexican once again wrong. Who else would mow my lawn and clean my house? Who else would keep Dickies in business, and sell fruit on the side of the highway. No one that's who. So don't think your friend and leader is racist no I have a blanket dislike for everyone who doesn't fit in. No matter what creed or color you may be you can be loved by me or hated by me. Hey people take it or leave it I just thought you should know.

- S. Beamin

Morning Train Ride

2009-10-08T08:53:00.000-04:00

I am sitting down minding my own business, then all of a sudden a woman with a contraption that carries a baby around on wheels hits me. I am like damn woman can I get an excuse me (all in my head). Nope nothing, she looks like she is in her late 30s but that aging could be the effects of the harsh drug filled life she started at the tender age of 14.

Honestly, I am starting to believe some individual are missing the part of the brain that develop manners. I may not be the nicest douche bag in the world but the words excuse me exist in my vocabulary. For instance, I accidentally ejaculate on a chicks face; I would kindly say excuse me. But this lady had no inclination to say excuse me.

This just in, we have a crusader for the Nation of Islam preaching about Frad Muhhamed (I personally could give two shits how to spell it) and fishing for souls. I understand that they are trying to help the other social class beneath me, but I didn't pay to ride the train to hear this shit in the morning.

FYI I know the chick next to me whole story. Like how she just missed the aids virus and how her baby daddy get out the pin next year. I am happy for her.

People this is what I deal with on a daily basis. It's a pleasure to take you along for the ride.I am just an asshole trying to get a piece of the American dream without being bothered. But no that would be too perfect. Besides I enjoy the entertainment.

-Uncle Booze

Tales of Chivas the Return

2009-10-07T13:01:00.000-04:00

The return of Chivas comes with a tale of a mistake that was almost made twice, one that should have never been made once. You see our dastardly protagonist had been a part of this story once before and had promised never to do it again. Chivas during his time in College lived in a few scum bag areas as well as some well established family venues. In one of these venues Chivas became involved with what at that time was the latest hot shit a Cougar. Well this Cougar was married with a child which led to issues that Chivas swore would never rear there head again. That's where the rule came in nothing serious with chicks with kids.

Years later Chivas allowed his old habits to almost bite him in the ass. After a night of drinking with some new friends, who introduced him to some of there friends. Of those friends two of them were attractive young females one named Janet and the other was Rachel.In terms of looks Rachel was banging right now, while Janet looked like she had potential if a few lbs were dropped. Chivas through I night of drinking and conversing he found out the reason for those extra lbs. Janet had recently had a child months ago in fact. Rachel on the other hand was child free, but was not giving Chivas the attention he thought he rightly deserved. He found out through flirting that Rachel and Janet had totally different taste in men. Chivas was Janet's type while Rachel would more than likely pass. Chivas being Chivas decided to take the bird in hand and bag up Janet.

Chivas was soon able to rap up the night by setting a date for next week with Janet giving her his number as to not be locked into anything. A strange thing happened though when Rachel came over to ask for directions to the nearest burger shack. Chivas rocking a GPS started to type it in until she stopped him, and whispered she was just using that as an excuse to talk to him. She said she was feeling Chivas and that she just didn't want Janet to know. So as she brushed his crotch and dropped her number on the seat it was on.

Chivas decided to keep it moving though as he had a huge day coming up on the morning. A week passed with light text flirting between Chivas and Janet, but nothing with Rachel. Date night finally arrived and Chivas decided that he couldn't break the rule and bang out a mom especially a new one. So through slight of hand and a silver tongue Chivas convinced Janet to break the date. Not only did he get her to break the date, but she also promised to lose some weight for the boy Chivas. Then Chivas set into motion his real plan with a quick call to Rachel. To no ones surprise she was on it and with a few drinks and a hot tub the deal was sealed. Another win for our boy Chivas in this game of life, one chick bagged and another tagged.

- S. Beamin
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I Just Can't Win

2009-10-06T08:55:00.000-04:00

This weekend consisted of a series of unfortunate events. It all started when my cousin T Foolery called me and informed me that we needed to head to this house warming slash party. This is when things took a turn for the worst. I headed to the event with a full flask of some shit I had left over from the previous weekend.

As I entered the place, good ole foolery pulled out the biggest bottle of Patron and insisted that the party get started correctly. I didn't have any regrets to starting the evening with a mission to get completely wasted. And I might add I got too wasted. You will be ashamed to find out why.......

A few shots and a game of beer pong later, some chick pushed me for calling her superficial. I didn't think there was anything wrong with my comment as I then called her an angry little person for no reason. I personally hate negativity and negative cunt chicks. I hereby deem her, the official spokes person of the mid west cunt club.

The rest of the evening went over smoothly until I fell asleep at a light around 4:39 am Sunday. I woke up to 4 cops banging on my window yelling for me to get out of the car. In my pocket, resided a flask full of Patron and that was the least of my worries.

The cops and I chilled and talked about life as others from Their crew showed up to question me. The most embarresing thing was some chick cop had to park my car for me. Somehow I managed to tell the cops that I only had one brew and just was a little tired. The story was completely unbelievable. I reeked of booze. An assortment of booze. If they wanted to catcher the essence of the smell of booze, all the perfume industry had to do was use me as a specimen.

I called everyone in my phone as the cold air attacked my lungs. Finally, I got into contact with my uncle. He came and got me. I got off easy.....which seemed to be the sentiments of every police officer waiting with me as my fearless uncle traveled to get me.

Man was I happy until the next day I got pulled over for talking on my cell phone. I just can't win.

-Uncle Booze

The Chick on MY Mind.....Nicki Minja

2009-10-04T13:01:00.006-04:00

I'm back on my Sunday Chick shit so lets get started. You ever see a chick that you would go and straight lay your A+ game on, but when she opens her mouth it destroys all expectations, that was Nicki Minja. That baby talk shit used to totally destroy every thought I had about destroying that ass. Something changed though this week I realized it wasn't the voice that was killing me it was that slutty persona. That I wish I was Lil Kim shit that totally made a classy looking for pristine pussy dude like me shake my head in disgust. Well this week that all changed for ya boy S Dot.
You see that is the picture of Nicki I had in my mine yeah that Coochie looks fat, but damn how do you take that home for dinner, better yet how do you even walk through the mall with that on your arm. That chick up there is one you bang in the storage closet at work or with her best friend in the bathroom ,word to Cancun. That chick just doesn't work out in the long term plans of S dot Beamin.
Then came the new Nicki the Nicki I heard on that new Bed Rock shit shout out to Young Money. That Nicki was freaky but there was something new about her. So you know your boy hit his Google Reader and to my surprise there was a new Nicki photo shoot. Your boy was like damn now here we go. That's what i'm looking for some real shit that I can deal with.

You see this shit I can get up on. I know you hit the Google image search and you can still find the old shit, but we all make mistakes. The new Nicki can say shit like she wanna put her pussy on my sideburns. I don't know if that is physically possible but damn after she gets down on my dick I'd let a chick like her try.
So Nicki you're on the right track I need you to keep it up. I know your never going to roll Paula Patton style, but I don't need all that from you. I don't wanna her anymore rumors of you fucking Industry Niggas, no more pussy spread photo shoots keep it classy Nicki and you can have a premier spot on the S. Beamin squad.
Yeah Nicki that's where I'll be finishing!

- S. Beamin
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Is It Really Rape Rape?

2009-10-02T22:23:00.006-04:00

Well your boy is back after what we will call a hiatus. Only a few things could have peaked my interest to roll back to this forum of simple minded people reading the thoughts of an elevated being such as my self. Enough with the pleasantries and kind words lets get to the matter at hand. Yeah we are talking about that boy Roman.

Roman Polanski supposedly is a award winning director and creator of cinematic art. First and foremost I like a artsy independent movie as much as the next man, but have you seen a Polanski film. Them shits are over the top pieces of shit that were created to win Oscars and guess what the Academy falls for it and sucks his dick every few years. You see his Dick is the thing that seems to have gotten this little Jew in trouble. Yeah my man got charged with Statutory Rape back in the day and said fuck court I'm going to France. That's some shit they would never let a black dude hit up a plane to Paris if he raped a 13 year old white girl.
Yeah my man didn't get caught with a 16 year old like most of the statutory rape dudes out there he went for 13. Seriously between me and you 16 is oops I fucked up statutory rape, 13 is a pedophile. If you have sex with a 13 year old girl you like kids so Roman you are a pedophile. She doesn't want to press charges because that shit happened years ago, but dude you fucked up. Your rich ass friends are down with saving you, but will they let you watch there kids fuck no. Oh and I bet that nigga Jack Nicholson will never let you watch his crib again, fucking with kids in the hot tub. Jack had to fucking fill that shit in after your dumb ass. Have you seen a sexy 13 year old, because I haven't I know Chris Rock hasn't, have you?
Now I've seen a sexy as 16 year old, and that's where a problem lies. Whoopi said that the shit that happened wasn't rape rape. Well I think she might be right, in the levels of rape statutory rape is like development baseball. Most of the time a dude finds a chick who is hot, he gets in over his head, and her parents find out. That is the normal statutory rape scenario, something I can sympathize with, but don't condone. As a young black man in the suburbs I kept a go or no go card in my pocket, yeah I was straight up i'ding hoes. Have you ever seen a white father who knows a black man is dicking down his daughter that shit is pure rage.
I'm sorry that shit is hard to say no to, but you have to my friends. The truth is that 16 will get you 20 and during that 20 you will get ass raped. Which is like the All Star Game of rape, just so you know. Oh and once you get out of jail you get labeled a sex offender good luck getting a job with that on your record.
Hey that shit up there is my opinion I feel like there are levels to this shit and the facts are you need to take responsibility for your action. So dudes let that 16 year old blossom and learn to use them hips and lips before you try to bang it out. I'm telling you if it's good now those two years rarely kill the game you'll be ok.

- S. Beamin
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Morning Train Ride #2

2009-09-30T09:01:00.000-04:00

This morning I am people watching as I commute; something that is completely normal. I always find it interesting of what you might see when you relax, sit back, and observe.

For instance, the old hag next to my is truly trying to learn how to send text messages. To be honest, she could be reading this right now, but being me, I good give two sh*ts if she saw me. Damn I guess she saw it because she started coughing. I hope she don't have SARS or swine flu. I don't want any parts of that sh*t Dewey.

Take the standing passenger directly in front of me. As the train sways back and forth, her bag consistently comes within a few inches of my face. Being the nice guys I am, I haven't told the borderline cunt that she was inadvertantly being rude. Instead I said I prayer for her. I prayer that went like this........help her to gain conscience that her bag is the size of Jason Kidd's son head; that kid's head is the size of Mount Rushmore. Help her to move out my way before I get tempted to kick her bag out my way......I would continue but you might not like the outcome.

What really pisses me off is your neighborhood beggar. I can't enjoy a morning train ride without some bum pleading to me for my hard earned dollar. It's bad enough that I have to pay taxes that then get used to help people to stay in subsidized housing..... you may know it as section 8; I know it as the unfair treatment of the middle class. These motherfuckers use my tax dollars to help the poor stay in houses that I have to pay full price for. What a fucked it system? On top of that, I feed their families too. There is nothing wrong with using aid to get back on your feet, but pass 2 generations is just plain sad. Do better.

-Uncle Booze

My Hiatus.....Sh*t Happens

2009-09-28T19:12:00.000-04:00

This time I have been gone for a while because I wanted to visit the red light district of the world. Well that shit didn't go over too smoothly. I don't speak a lick of whatever they speak in Thailand. Can you imagine trying to solicit a hooker that don't know how to communicate? It's like a blind man trying to pick his favorite Porno.

The legendary journey began with me wanted to get away to a place where tail is in an abundance. I mean it's the promise land for any heterosexual male's penis. This chicks f*ck for a living. It like it what they are born to do. Run free with their urges to do shit I would never recommend the American porn industry get involved in.

Sadly to my disbelief, this chicks faces were terrible. One girl had the nerves to have a missing hand. WTF. The pimps over there need to have some class about themselves seriously. At least from what I hear, the US hookers minus the everyday crack head have all functioning body parts. Take music video models for examples, they are nice looking hookers who might make a honest living as a cover up to what really happens on those shoots. Who am I to judge. I have issues too.

Back the point, I traveled over 3000 miles when I could have just went to the local Asian restaraunt and convinced the shy little hostess to come to the car with me. Trust me there are some pretty looking hostess Asian chicks that have a very unique accent. It reminds me of the scene from Dude Where's my car..... No an den.

Now that I am back. Prepare for the entertainment to continue.

-Uncle Booze

PS- I'm back for good. I have institutionalized mobile blogging in my life.

Throwback Thursday I'm Booking the Twerk Team

2009-09-17T12:19:00.001-04:00

This one goes out to my boy Travis, who was in the library when I stumbled upon this minor league stripper squad. I first posted these hoes in my cautionary tale to fathers about the whores their daughters will grow up to be. These chicks are taking bookings people, so you know what type of party is going down at S. Beamin's house. It will be a Twerk Team extravaganza I'm talking about Twerk session from the basement, to the backyard, up to the shoe room. Yes people I will actually sully the sanctity of my precious shoe room for a session with the captain of the Twerk Team.

All I'm saying is that ill put her in my varsity jacket for now, but over the summer i'll get her a that half jacket and skirt set so I can take her out looking right. And by looking right I mean like a whore. Seriously people this is S Dot were are talking I don't treat good girls right, so you know she gets nothing but the worst. Look at them hoes Swag Surfin I thought it was all bad when they were doing the Stanky Leg, but man I had no idea.

Oh boy I'm going to be in the A this summer so you know Friday night is Twerk Team night. I'm going to be known as Uncle Willie to these young hoes. You know that old dude at the strip club who is a regular, and knocked up the young stripper I'm that guy. Yes people I will impregnate one of those chicks and make her deal with it, your boy is not for games.
Here goes the number people 206-736-8586 or 404-200-4831, yeah people these hoes have more than one phone number you know where that cake is coming from. Ass and Tits thats all you need to make money in this world or atleast get some of S. Beamin's cash.

- S. Beamin
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Realizations in HD

2009-09-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday while watching The Real World on my monster HD TV I came to a realization that had been creeping into my mind, HD is not for everyone. I shouldn't say everyone I should say most people, seriously if you're on reality TV HD is a no go. If you are over 30 1080i is a no. If you are not one of the finest examples of God's work then please do not grace my TV. It started off as a Twitter rant (Follow Me it's fun), and now it's deveoled into a full blog so here are my Realizations in HD.
Before HD

After HD

Realizations in HD: There is a good reason all the old ladies on the news are getting fired it's called 1080p
Perfect example of this shit is Mika Brezinski, used to think she was a fine ass Conneticut MILF, actually she was a grainy mirage. At first I thought it was the sleep in my eyes, but as I tuned into Morning Joe after a hard night of partying the truth was revealed. Im not going to say she's a hag, but give me a big tittied Telemundo bitch who speeka no Englase any day.
Realizations in HD: If I can see your ingrown hairs in your close up step your razor game up
Seriously dude you are on national TV giving confessionals/interviews, step your Mach 5 game up. If your hand ain't steady go down and see freddy. My man freddy works the single blade and hot foam like an artist leaving your boy smooth as a baby.
Realizations in HD: Acne scars will comeback to haunt you no matter how much makeup you cake on
Your Momma told you not to pinch them pimples girl and she was right. The HD is unforgiving not only can I see your caked makeup a mile away, but also the craters in your face. You are the woman that Pro Active missed, and when I say missed I mean by a country mile.
Realizations in HD: People with pit stains think they can hide it in dark clothes, not in HD
Serioulsy Old Spice comes in a scent called mother fuckin swagger. I myself where the refined original scent that puts that old man fragrance on these pits. I rock the nicest shirts so sweat are a no no. You thought you could hide your stank ass under a black tee, wrong mother fucker. This huge as screen I have is like a maginfying glass there is no where to hide.
Realizations in HD: People with greasy skin look like fucking oil slicks
This shit is the worst it looks like the damn Exxon Valdes spilled on your face. I mean damn fuck say yes to the dress, say yes to the powder. Come on people you know they make facial cream for people with oily skin just like you. Do you fucks purposley use the regular shit like you don't have a problem. You my friend are greasier than fried chicken get a napkin
Realizations in HD: Peoples teeth are dingy as hell. Veneers and bleach for the win
Seriously some of you television personalities are spitting straight butter when you speak. The yellow mother fuckin brick road is in your grill, and it looks like Dorothy is skipping on your gums. HD is horrible for people with decent teeth too, because my shit is so bright that your regular white shits look dingy as all get out. I feel bad for them no name dudes in Ocean's 13 looking straight garbage next to the pearly whites of Brad and George. Bleach will set you free my friends.
Realizations in HD: Most chicks have terrible armpits ewwww
I don't know how you fix this, but chicks your arm pit game is atrocious. Is that a mother fuckin mole, oh it is and is that a hair growing out of it I just threw up a little in my mouth. It's not just chicks on Reality TV, but damn HD was killin these FSU chicks Monday night. Faces jacked up, hair jacked up, and that close up from below to the face that paused around the arm pit had me throwing out my guac.
I don't know what can be done about this problem other than people getting better looking. I figure this is the best plan of action for the world. So I should just sleep with a bunch of hot chicks and make HD viewing better for people for the next 40 years. I think im doing a service for the world at large so ladies you should start thanking me properly starting tonight.

- S. Beamin
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Throwback Thursday Blackman's Kryptonite

2009-09-10T12:17:00.001-04:00

I think most people know this by now, but the Blackman’s Kryptonite is fat white women. This sh*t is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to the proud Blackman. I have been diligently working to refute this stereotype throughout my entire life by only bedding skinny or athletic white women. On the other hand, others of my ilk have fallen prey to this horrible curse and are rollin with some real heavy hitters and I don’t mean in a good way.

The vicious return of this sickness came to light after watching that gay @ss show "Taking the Stage" on MTV. While I was coming out of my Def Con Five situation, I took sometime out with a nice young lady who convinced me to stay in and watch this sh*t. Now the main character Tyler is stuck in a precarious situation, he is involved with a Cat Eyed black chick (can’t trust them) and a chubby white chick. On a side note, this show is horrible not only are they dancing, supporting gay relationships, albino white boys, but also they made a school for them.

This boy Tyler though, be trippin everyday cryin about one or another of these chicks, the young man could have a strong pimp hand, but he just can’t wield it. I actually started feeling bad for the boy. because he has it doubly hard; one he has to be strong against the Kryptonite and fight the temptation.........that is old Cat Eyes. I was even cheering for old dude once he seemed he had broke both chicks’ hearts, but no. My man fell victim to the Kryptonite once again, she then proceeded to hit him with the new heartbreak the fact that she didn’t want him. I’m surprised my boy didn’t kill himself, getting denied by a fat chick must be depressing especially since it happened on cable TV.

I hope that all my brothers follow me down the path of righteousness, and discard these fat white b*tches. I call to you Professional Athletes, Singers, Rappers, Actors, Pimps in general unite and bring an end to this sorry period in our history.
I must warn you though Yellow Kryptonite is on the horizon and your fearless leader has already tasted it. The Asian woman is the new breed. We must be aware. They will entice you with there fragile frames, submissive behavior, and tight honey comb hideouts. The problem is I don’t think there is anything wrong with them, the titties are coming along nicely and we all know the @ss is next. May the grace of God be with us brothers, for the land of the rising sun might be too powerful for all of us.

- S. Beamin
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The Toilet is My Escape

2009-09-09T14:00:00.001-04:00

Today I found myself on the toilet reading emails and sh*t. I declared that this place where I choose to crap at is a sweet little spot. Some people prefer to rest their heads on bussoms or some questionable light house. I prefer the toilet.

Honestly, I just called Best Buy to see how much would it cost to get a tv in my restroom right in front of the toilet. They replonded as if they heard a strange request. People get tvs, microwaves, and fish tanks in their restrooms all the time. If it was up to me my dream house would have a stripper pole in the restroom where I weekly booty shaking competition would be held for all interested vixens.....the reward.........an opportunity to star in my first motion picture...... Bend Over and Take it. Or The Secret Life of a MILF.

-Uncle Booze

She is Back to What She is Born to Do....Shack it Pebbelz

2009-09-08T23:03:00.001-04:00

I wrote about this young lady who augmented her gluteus maximus in an effort to make more money. To me that is what hookers do, but according to her bio on myspace she is not into that. I beg to differ, but her word is her bond. More importantly, her @zz is huge and her staple. Some people are born with talents and others are smart enough to buy them. She is smart enough to buy hers in my opinion. Right now, her butt is the only thing she has going for her. Some chicks has brains, along with many other talents,...... SHOUT OUT TO SUPER HEAD.........she has silicon cheeks that turns heads including mines at times. This I must admit is something that I am not proud of, but just take a look below.

Conclusion:

She is exploiting herself. At this point, she does not need a pimp. Just google her and check out her site. I rest my case. I am almost positive you would arrive at the exact same conclusion as I did.

One question:

How does she take a dump? Not to get graphic, but she has to be spending countless hours wiping.......I would let your imagination pick up from here. It is not my job to make that image for you.

-Uncle Booze

I Went to Work Today

2009-09-08T21:32:00.006-04:00

Those of you who know me or have even read the blog regularly know I have lived a life of luxury. I mean seriously I reside in the lap of luxury. Nothing has ever been denied to your boy my wildest dreams have always come true. I have traveled the world taking in some of the greatest sites and most lavish hotels a person can imagine.
I have stayed in a castle in Banff where I splashed around in a hot tub with snow bunnies as the snow fell from the sky to the hotel Atlantis where I swam with dolphins and slid through a pool of sharks. You name it i've done it all except one thing.
That one thing would be to put in a honest days work. Now I've had internships where nothing was expected of me and my work was of no consequence. I would go into the office goof off and leave whenever I wanted. Last summer my job sent me to China some of you might know what happened, but if you don't I fuckin boozed my life away and looked at the sites. YEah I got paid to go to China, go to buffets of beer, and then look at a kick ass ninja show. All they asked for was a ten minute report which ended up being me and my boss talking about when he would send me back.
Today though was different, today I went to a fulltime position where I didn't know anyone and was just a regular employee. It was fucking crazy people actually wanted me to learn shit and be ready to work. I'm the second highest ranked person at the branch, but I don't know shit. You know what happens when you don't know shit you actually have to listen and apply yourself. So today for the first time in God knows when I did just that I applied myself. Fuck am I tired, even with my boss telling me I could take off early, because traffic was going to suck. Oh yeah on the traffic issue, people drive your fucking cars, don't look around, don't text, and let people in when you see a blinker you fucks. Back to work the people are nice the workplace is interesting and fun, there are no chicks, but I saw a picture so I might start plotting. (not her, but similar I have a Spanish type)

Im tired as shit so I'll be going to sleep and waking up at 6 am again so fuck me, no really this weekend someone is going to fuck me. I'm getting paid so Im going in!

- S. Beamin
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labor day

2009-09-07T01:38:00.002-04:00

This is a day to celebrate. Despite I haven't put any chicks in the ER with my seed. Grateful the birth control works and shit. However, I still have not left the crib. Similar to a 30 yet old virgin who lives with his mom completely oblivious that vagina exist. Dumb founded, I plotted about the moves to make that evening wholehearted knowing the one place I wanted to be more than anything in the world knowing that place was over a thousand miles away. Sometimes life teaches you patience.

In the past, this had been a day to rejoice in libations and foolery; waking up in a umfamiliar place. I knew this was not going to happen. I had the priviledge of listening to friends(my home boy and his home girl) from high school talk about good times. Seriously, who gives a fuck. I don't and probably never would ever.

From the convo, she haven't had someone in her life. Conclusion she can join most of the female population in America. Why? This ms independent woman thing. Woman it would leave you with like 100 cats spending a grand on cat food a month. Don't let that be you.

Well we are finally leaving and I will keep you posted. Wish me luck.

Personals Thursday #3

2009-09-03T15:24:00.004-04:00

And you wonder why we have trust issues........... - 40 (Nassau)

Date: 2009-09-03, 3:17PM EDT

I can't meet a decent man to save my life here or anywhere. Either they're married and want sex, or they're separated and want a "friend", or they're completely single but emotionally unavailable. What the hell?!?!?!?!? You are all such selfish, self centered, dishonest jerks.

I just want an honest man, educated, loving and warm with a creative spirit who is emotionally and legally available. I feel like I'm looking for a damn needle in a haystack.

If you think you are tnat needle, contact me. If not - keep it moving.

Location: Nassau
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1356954094

My Response:

Dear woman who has issues plus other daddy issues to the extreme:

Woman you are over the hill. Meaning you are over 40. Sucks for you because no man wants a chick with cottage cheese thighs and saggy fun bags. That is just the world we live in. Yeah, the whole emotionally unavailable thing is just human nature. Obviously, you were like a "lizbo" in another lifetime or some sh*t like that. FYI any dude that could potentially read your post in hopes of being your self-wanted "needle in a hay stack" would not take heed to you calling him names. You are already showing signs of being a psycho chick. We tend to run in the other direction when we see those signs. With that being said, I wish you the best and you can count me out. Douche on the regular and do kengels to get it tight again because you are like ancient in age. Disregard the last sentence because I am guessing you don't get it much considering you put a personal on Craigslist. Yeah judge me for responding, but I like to call this my giving back to the community.....you may call it charity. Too bad I do not get a deduction on my taxes. Then it would be really worth it. Hopefully, you may be a carom in someone's life soon after they had a harsh break-up. Like a rebound chick.

Respectfully,

Uncle Booze

Throwback Thursday Good Girls Bend at the Knees, Bad Girls Bend at the Waist

2009-09-03T12:18:00.002-04:00

This is the greatest statement i've heard in a year. This has become the new way of life that I will be judging chicks by from now on. Better yet their is a new declaration from on high. I S. Beamin declare that from now on in the Beamin household Good Girls Bend at the Knees, Bad Girls Bend at the Waist is now a rule of thumb.

- S. Beamin
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6 Things That I Wish Did Not Exist #1

2009-09-02T08:06:00.004-04:00

1. AIDS- This sh*t right here is the culprit that has claimed the lives of millions of people. It is this disease, also referred to as the Die Slow, has caused me to never raw dog the vaage. Can you imagine 3 months after having a one night stand with a Brazilian chick, you feel like your white blood cells are not normal (I am not familiar with symptoms, if you would like to know google it). So, you decide to go to the doctor and BAM! The doctor infrom your that you have HIV/ AIDS....... He tells you that it is not advanced and it could evolve into full blown AIDS...... PAUSE.......... REWIND........ WTF. Your immediate reaction would be to just die because you can't like have sex with chicks unless you tell them your status. All of a sudden you realize your life is in the shitter and Aston Kutcher is not around the corner waiting to tell you that you have just been PUNKED>>>>>> instead you have reached a new low.... dreading the day you didn't use a jimmy coat.

2. Herpes...Please refer to number 1 and replace HIV/AIDS with Herpes. Also replace your white blood cells are not normal with you have f*cking bumps on your genital area.

3. Paris Hilton- This is what I like to call the leader of the Dumb B*tch clic. Everytime I turn on the TV she is involved in some antic that does not need to be nationally televised. She really make all chicks look bad. The only thing that has her in my good graces is the sex tape she made. Which, inadvertently, concluded that is all she is good for.

4. Jose Cuervo- This guy is not my friend. I met Jose my freshmen year and do not remember that week at all. S. Beamin and I had a bet on who could drink the most shots. I got to 15 and he beat me by 2 shots. The next day, I woke up in some estranged woman's house, stranded, and without any form of communication. Other run ins with this friend has resulted in a far worst outcome that I may talk about later. On a less personal note, Jose is the leading cause to having kids out of wedlock. Trust me a few of my friends are in that statistic.

5. DUIs- "These" are simply the devil. Getting one of these could cost you like 10 thousand dollars. On top of that.... you are forced to pay for a cab to get home because you are afraid of getting pulled over while intoxicated. The worse thing is accidentally giving the cab driver a $100. FML, right? Not only have the law makers lowered the legal limit, but they make you sit in a cell for a few hours or until you sober up. I hear it is like the worst f*cking feeling ever. More importantly, I have ended up in some pretty strange locations and situation because I didn't want a DUI. I know some of you are think that it to protect the other people on the road, but drunks do not kill people....impact does. You see someone coming....move out the f*cking way. It is that simple. One day I might mature up and change my views, but do not count on it.

6. Child Support- So what you got pregnant by someone. You chose to sleep with him knowing that sex is not about pleasure, but its about reproduction. Society has sold us a dream about this pleasure thing just to make a dollar. Now oral sex is about pleasure you f*cking idiot. If the male spends time with his child and provide for him, do not use the system to get a quick buck because you are broke. Some chicks just cheat the system. This is bullsh*t. If the dude does not get his mouth swabbed after being summoned, the court automatically assumed he is the father. This laws are flawed. Significantly flawed. Women are educated enough to make their own decisions and should be ready to accept the consequences. Women STOP looking for a f*cking meal ticket. Alimony is another beast I would tackle later. FYI, the father does not need to sign the birth certificate anymore, the hospital staff can perform that duty without his consent. WTF is the world coming to.

-Uncle Booze

The Chick on My Mind.... Jessica White

2009-08-30T13:17:00.000-04:00

Every now and then I make a mistake, it rarely happens, but when it does happen I admit to it. I also apologize, so Jessica White im sorry I thought you were a photoshop wonder, a SI Swimsuit Edition walkout, and just another Iman imposter. I was wrong and I knew I was wrong when I saw you on the T.O. Show.

That new short haircut and that real I know what I want woman swagger was off the chain. Seriously young women if you think you have swagger take a step back and check yourself. There are so few M.O.B. or Most Official Bitches running around this planet, it brings a small tear to my eye as I type this.

I never thought TO (pronoced like the #) would ever bring something more inportant to my life than the phrase " I Love Me some Me", but he did. By the way y'all should check that shit out because TO only fucks with dime pieces, his ex fiancee is for sure a stunner (google her). Jessica on the show was not only official, but she brought it to those two nosy hoes that try to run TO's life. I have never heard a chick say Google me, but that shit was so cold that it froze those bitches.

She might just have what it takes to back up that put a ring on it swag, but there might need to be a status check in a month. You know because i a stickler about these things. You look at that though and the lover in me says fuck it so we'll just see how the cookie crumbles.

- S. Beamin
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I Have No Real Motivation

2009-08-28T12:05:00.002-04:00

Everybody hated in highschool when your teacher, coach, or prinicple tried to motivate you with those gay as fucking posters. Seriously motivation posters were the worst thing ever ass they had dumbass images accompinied by even dumber phrases. The only thing that those thing ever accomplished was making me put the owner of said in a special douche bag category. Thankfully assholes of the world came together and made poster explaining how the world really works. Enough talk let the demotivation begin...

The last one was a little weird, but I found it funny for some reason

- S. Beamin
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Throwback Thursday Ladies All I'm Looking for Is..

2009-08-27T12:17:00.001-04:00

From what I've been hearing from people there might be a slight misconception in what S. Beamin is looking for in a woman. I'm picky, but not picky to a point where I'm just waving away any chick under an eight, who doesn't have long silky hair,and hasn't been a debutante. Look people I've ran with prep school chicks to G.E.D. hoes, I'm talking beauty queens and girls fresh from the crime scene. So I'm open minded, I only need one thing.

Have some style ladies. You can do whatever you want with it, but express yourself. Let it be fashion (my favorite), your hair, or even what you do. Ladies separate yourself from the crowd, make me take that second look. I used to mess with a bunch of click-clack girls (Devil wears Prada ref.), and you might think aren't they all the same. Well no they are actually all different if you look closely, because they are all trying to out do one another. You see I don't care where your inspiration or style comes from just have some. Let it be jealousy, rage, or just supremacy bring it I want it.

Right down there she's my favorite they call her Valentina. I don't know why she's my favorite I can't really explain it, but where she chose to take the picture, what she's got on, the way her hair moves just does it. I don't even know what she does, but she makes me want to know. Ladies just make me want to know more.

-S. Beamin
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Sick

2009-08-26T13:30:00.006-04:00

These last few days...I have been sick. Sick in stomach. I thought that maybe I had developed an ulcer from all the booze. Turns out that it was just gas. At least I hope so. Today will be a long day. I have to get a lot of studying done. This whole studying thing has completely interfered with my ability to post. Nonetheless, I am still here. Ready to share my wisdom to the world.

I hope that all of you are fine. While in my pain I thought..... what the world would be like if there was not any sicknesses? Meaning cancer, diabetes, and the disease from hell AIDS did not exist.

I think people would be nicer. Imagine that crazy single lady whose cubicle is right next to yours not contracting genital warts while in college. She would have a mate and be happier. Translation.....she wouldn't be a total b*tch all the time. What about your angry boss??? What if they never got hepatitis C from banging every secretary they ever had (includes girl on girl action)? They would be more pleasant and appreciative of your work. See, sicknesses is potentially the root of all evil!

Just food for thought. Tomorrow, I will continue my normal antics in an attempt to bring you humor.

-Uncle Booze

The Whackness

2009-08-24T02:15:00.000-04:00

We all go to the club to have a good time. Spending countless dollars at the bar after pre-gaming. Still we leave unfullfilled.

Right now I am listening to a Asher Roth(spelling may be wrong due to being tipsy) impersonater play and sing his randition of popular songs in techno. Really I am wondering how the fuck did I get here. To this very place at this very moment. Not a good call.

To the right of me is a group of chicks that have been dancing all night and I can actually smell their dove underarm protection giving out on them. I swear I am at middle east quicky mart convention. I almost believe that they are allergic to protection for real. That's just my ignorant mind working to please my ego.

To left, are the chicks that swooped my seat when I got a brew. Such is life, I don't hold personal grudges and shit. Now everyone leaving because the Dj lacks swag.

One last thing......I am glad there wasn't a cover.

The Chick on My Mind.... Giovanna Mezzogiorno

2009-08-23T12:14:00.003-04:00

Let's be honest I didn't know who this chick was until last Wednesday, but I'm happy that I found here, I think Giovanna is the caper to a great Italian week. I wanted to become the Italian Prime Minister so I could fuck 18 year old lingerie models when I'm 80. Lets stop mucking around and just get to it she's hot.

It's good to know she has about a decade on me, but that really doesn't matter n the scope of things. I've done some whoring around so i can't really hold anything she has done against her at his point. I hope she's more famous in Italy than she is here in the states, because I don't know any of here movie's on IMDB.

I just want here to be able to cook some Chicken Alfredo. Seriously I just want an Italian chick who can cook all the meals I crave after a good workout. Honestly it's not that hard pasta plus meat, and sauce that's all it takes to make a meal. Oh and I swear to God if another Italian chick tries to pass off one of those Olive Garden meals off on me I'll go crazy.

You see that right there that's classy sexy. I want all the chicks I know to take notes from Giovanna. I'm going to do you either way so, keep a little mystery about it at least. I understand You have to take it off sometimes, but when your with me I'd like a little show.

That's it I'm good. Yes no matter how old Giovanna gets I'm still into it. Everything else I know about her is in Italian so look it up. I don't care anymore just look at the pictures you fucks.

- S. Beamin

She Pissed on Public Property

2009-08-23T10:32:00.005-04:00

Last night was a sight I want to physically drill out my head. One....I tried to send this from my phone, but the application crashed right before I pressed the publish button. I was casually walking down the street after having a few brews at a local night spot. On the window ledge of a store was a curious looking young lady with her assumed to be male companion. This dude was a good guy and definitely took one for his own team (If that is even possible).

As we were walking, said young lady erupted like volcano. Their were several pissing eruptions from her genital area. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. I swear she was born with a fire hydrant for a "vaage". Just imagine a tsunami shooting out from under a chick's dress. Sure I've seen chicks pee before, on a f*cking toilet, but never in public on a sidewalk. If you want to know my thought process, please continue reading!

"WTF. Is that chick okay...OH. Maybe she had too much to drink. Well at least she got someone to help her......Dude did her water just break....NO..NO..NO....This chick just really took a piss without any reservations about it....That's have to be f*cking embarrassing. If that was a chick I was with I would act like I didn't know her. Like probably leave or some sh*t like that. Dude has to be embarrassed too. She just let the whole world know that she does not have any control over her urine. Please do not tell me she is going to pull out some kleenex from her purse to wipe. f she does, that would be classic. I wonder what was going on in both of their minds.........

Him: Girl hurry up and pee before Uncle Booze and his friends pass by.

Said Girl: Okay. I will make this quick. Wait it won't come out. Oh no they are too close and its too late. F*ck this is going to go down as my most embarrassing moment tonight. FYI thanks for convincing me to do this; you aren't getting any tonight!"

I didn't realize that it actually happened until I found myself voluntarily paying hopscotch over some random chick's urine. My friend that it would be nice to play off the ordeal be telling her she dropped her beer. That didn't play over well, she replied, " I think they know, f*ck you with your whack @ss." All we could do is laugh. It everything in my to convince him not to retaliate by bringing attention to misfortune. Quitely, I though, Yes b*tch we saw that aling with everyone walking behind us.

At this point, I began to think....What type of CHICK pisses on herself in public? Like what type of mother is she going to be? I pray for her this morning that she would reform from her wicked ways and find her true calling as the human fire hydrant. I also pray for her potential children......that they do develop morals about themselves and do not act primitive in public.

-Uncle Booze

Dear John Whitherspoon Philosphies

2009-08-20T20:11:00.008-04:00

You may know this fool for his role on The Waynes Brothers or The voice of the grandpa on Boondocks. I know him as one funny motherf*cker who has no reservations about any topic. Someone recommended this to me after I wrote about New York in a previous post. This good fellow went on a tangent about this abomination. Enjoy!

After watching the above clip, I discovered that he had other opinions and views that I thought would be entertainment to my audience. However as it relates to Hoochies, I like the world to refer to them as f*ck b*tches. I learned that during my stay in the South. These are the chicks that I am man to admit weren't my cup of tea. Maybe for a one night stand, but I seldom resorted to that option because 1 night of pleasure would lead to the next 18 years and 9 months of dealing with a bona-fide incompetent "vaage" that is only good for poking.

-Uncle Booze

Throwback Thursday Bring Back To Catch A Predator

2009-08-20T12:15:00.001-04:00

You know what I miss, To Catch a Predator. Yes this show was the craziest shit I had ever seen in my life. The problem was that the show was sick, yet hilarious at the same time. Now you may ask how kiddy pervs can be hilarious, have you seen these fools? If you ever watched one episode of this shit you would be on the floor rolling. Dudes sitting down to a nice glass of lemonade or margarita thinking they were going to see a pretty young thing, and BAM!!!! Chris Hansen would turn the corner.

This dude would start reading the worst chat room transcripts ever, but with the most deadpan voice ever. He would ask them these questions about what a horrible human being they were like it was a regular interview. I loved when dudes would sit there and try to make excuses like I'm here to help them or I knew this was To Catch. Yes that is what we refer to this show as to on the streets To Catch. My favorite though was when dudes would run, yes dudes used to hit door on Chris Hansen.

Yep after that first show buddies were no longer getting away, because the police were right outside. You thought the taser was bad then the bush camo was overkill, but it was well worth it. Then shit would just get worst as these creeps would wilt under the pressure of interrogation. My favorite of all time though has to be the cancer doctor though. First dude is so nervous he knocks over the drink, dude either it is the 13 year old or the fact you're a pedophile that has you shook. Second my dude tries to run, until he hits the wall of cops. Third and probably my favorite is when he throws down his glasses like F*ck it's all over. You can see the moment dude realizes that if his life is really over. And fourth is when he just keeps talking to the police until he calls his wife and tells here bring 30K, but not the kids. What was his excuse? He said he got caught in a sting, yeah they bout to sting yo ass in the joint, just marvel in the pure stupidity.

Then they took it all away from me, no not because they ran out of predators, but because one offed himself. They took away the show, because some freak did us all a favor an ended it, and don't come at me with he didn't do it, there were transcripts of this freak. The show had been on for awhile if you were still trying to holla at kids you had a real problem. So all I'm saying is NBC either give me a marathon every weekend or all new episodes cause I miss To Catch.

The redheaded decoy was kinda cute though; chill she was 18 so it's all good when you put it on the books.

- S. Beamin
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I Want to be Prime Minister of Italy

2009-08-19T12:00:00.002-04:00

Seriously I love Barack Obama as much as the next man, but I'm trying to be Prime Minister of Italy. Yeah when I get old and have some money I want to be like Silvio Berlusconi the man is a straight up pimp. I had heard stories about how he got down, but I didn't really get a picture of it until I read this article on the Daily Beast.
You have to realize that my man has been getting down for years. He didn't care what age that pretty young thing was he was going to get that pussy. My man even started marrying chicks and having kids just to preserve the legacy. It takes balls to say you know what i'll rule the country, marry a few chicks, have them pop out a few kids, and then i'll bang some models on the side.

Not only is the man living the life, but he also owns one of the biggest football (soccer) clubs in the world. Yeah I'm talking about AC Milan. He made a ton of money from the team which he used to become Prime Minister and also buy that Vila, yeah i'm talking about the sex Villa. My man brings eighteen year old lingere models to the place to get naked with there friends for his amusement. The man even has a personal singer/minstrel who does what he wants and lets not talk about the dancers.
The man might even have mob ties, yep the real legit straight from Italy prick your finger Mafia. I'm just saying I have a new hero to look up to. The man survives every scandal that happens to him so ladies and gentleman I present to you the true Teflon Don Silvio Berlusconi Prime MInister of Italy. What is the worst you can do to the man take away the responsibility of running a country, he still has his money, his football club, and all the young women he could ever need. I never thought I would say this, but Sarkozy and Barack step your Presidential ho game up!

- S. Beamin
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WTF Happened To Stephon Marbury

2009-08-18T14:54:00.007-04:00

Seriously people what happened to Coney Island's finest, this kid came out of Georgia Tech with all the talent in the world, I mean he was a straight killer. You boy S Dot doesn't even roll with basketball like that, but even I was rollin with the Coney Island Killer. I couldn't believe it when he got picked up by the T Wolves to run the offense for my boy K.G.. I even went as far as too get the school boy middle of the head part like Steph.
He found a hot chick and married her, so i said good shit. Then my boy turned into Starbury which while being one of the biggest asshole monikers you can give yourself, was cool with me. I didn't care he forced a trade, but fuck it he was still a killer on the court. Even after a few years of bullshitting and his start waining we didn't care especially when he got moved to the Knicks.
The simple fact of the matter is when he went home he changed. And by changed I mean he sucked and sucked hard like the rest of the Knicks. The one good thing though was he put out those cheap ass kicks for the kids. I thought man he's on his way back to the days of wheeling and dealing, but was I wrong.
First dude went and tattooed that Starbury sign in the side of his head. Only one type of person should have a head tat and that's a fighter. If you don't kick as or get your ass kicked for a living people then a head tat is a no. Then he went and bought a plane. Yes in the fucked up times we live in he bout a plane, and then had the audacity to complain about the gas prices. That should be one of the fifty things you look into when you go out to buy a fucking plane. He then sat out most of the year and collected a check so I'm not going to hate.
We often forget, but this is a man who repped the United States i International play. Yeah United States across his chest for the entire world to see. You had to believe that he could come back he had to be redeemable. Right?
Then came the redemption in the form of the then World Champion Celtics. You thought it would all come together for the man. He was back with KG he was on a winning squad it looked good. They didn't win it all but the off season should have been cool for Steph. Then he started U Streaming, I let the crying go, I let the eating Vaseline go, I let the hobo conversation go and, even the weed smoking, but this shit is three steps too far.

Yes that is a grown man dancing to Barbie Girl. No grown man danced to that shit when it was a hit single, let alone 13 years later. The first question is where did you find that shit, on iTunes did you download that shit then sync it to your ipod. That's about 12 steps of gay right there, at no time did your manhood not say stop this bullshit right now. This fool then proceeded to get on something and dance. That shit right there is gay.That's it that shit is just Gay end of story, end of ball playing career. Put your Goddamn tongue back in your mouth shit.

- S. Beamin
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I fucking Hate Commercials

2009-08-18T12:25:00.003-04:00

Today was the last straw I fucking hate commercials, they serve no purpose in my life. Seriously nothing that has a commercial for it is ending up in my life. Do I buy food based on commercials no, Do I buy clothes based on commercials no, Do I buy my rides based on commercials once again a resounding no. Commercials are now just serving to simply piss me off for no reason what so ever. Weren't commercials supposed to make me feel better about purchases not worse about the world.

Earlier on the way to church a place we all know I need I heard the worst commercial ever. Seriously for 45 seconds I had to sit uncomfortably with my father as a man talked about his Penis pill. Seriously the man talked about how it would increase your Penis size and would help to make you better in bed. Dude was like it proven to make you last longer than ever and makes sure you can please your wife. I'm like wow this shit is awkward, but what made it worst was when it came back on with my Mother and Father in the truck. Thankfully my father cut it off half way through.

I also love these assholes who make these drug commercials. Why is dude running around the park and kayaking while he has herpes. If you have herpes "a.k.a the gift that keeps on giving" you stay in the house away from the rest of us who made correct decision with our dicks and pussies. Oh yeah and how does herpes over here get a partner, seriously either you are hiding that shit before the break out or about to surprise the shit out of someone. The shit is out of control people.

Yeah while we are talking about drug commercials lets get these Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis commercials out of the way. No one with a broken dick is that happy, and don't tell me they are happy because it got fixed. You still have a broken crank dude deep down inside you know you can't perform on your own. You are in every which way a dick cripple, and they don't give out good parking places for that shit.

There are only two types of good commercials the ones they don't show in America like this Sprite commercial. I like how it promotes Sprite, Blow jobs, and Interracial relationships all at the same time. It might be banned, fake, and all that other shit but I like where they are headed.

This is the only other type of commercial that is any good. Yeah Nike commercials be it Soccer, Basketball, Football, or Golf Nike kicks ass. Seriously when is the last time you saw a Nike commercial that sucked, I want you to name it and show me why it sucked. I don't think you can do it, because it's not possible.

Seriously people think about it TV should either be commercial free or only have Nike and banned European commercials on it. For now i'll stick with my two DVRs and extreme hatred for you dumb ass commercial makers.

You thought I would forget Lil Penny oh Hell Naw that's the greatest commercial ever.

- S. Beamin
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M.I.L.F of the Week #9

2009-08-17T10:28:00.005-04:00

Lately, I have been busy and not had time to throughly search through sites looking for hot MILFS. When I did a Google search all I got was pictures of porn stars with no names. I like to call them all "the anonymous MILFS of the world." However, I was able to think of one lady, who should have been in the top five without any regrets. Today, I now put her in the top 10 to mitigate the damages I have done to her climb to "MILFdom." Stacey Dash has been eye candy to my generation for years. I still remember her from her days of clueless. But we males are not clueless to this vixen.

No, her recent cover on King Magazine did not inspire this post, but I had a dream. I dream that one day I would bath in an antique style tub taking shots of Jagermeister with Stacey. The water was lukewarm and she was feeding me Sour patch Kids, without playing into the whole 1st they are sour, then they are sweet routine.

Not classy enough for you, huh? Well, would you prefer Seagrams flavored Vodka and Skittles? Enough with my selection of alcohol; She is what I saw at the white light when I went on a 9 day binge. (I cannot recall how many brain cells I killed, but I think it was worth it.) In the dream she didn't complain. She actually thought it was on the kinky side. You never know what to expect with these MILFS.

-Uncle Booze

Redheads FTW

2009-08-16T12:39:00.003-04:00

Yes I have come out on the other side of my serious case of yellow fever and reconnected with one of my true loves Redheads. Seriously I don't know why, but I have always found redheads to be incredibly sexy. It got so bad that I went into a phase where I outwardly hated gingers so that I could hide my own fetish. Now I'm free to say I love redheads and I don't care.
Some peole have said it's because of the little bit of Irish that I have in me but I just love em I think. It doesn't matter either I like them all pale, tanned, I don't care. They can be older or young it makes no difference to me.

I even like them with fake red hair, seriously that red hair that isn't anywhere close to real still gets me going. Look I know what her real hair color is and it sure as hell isn't red, but I don't care. Cheryl was hot, but now that she has this fake red hair she is even hotter than before.

You wouldn't think it would work for black people, but it does. My family has quite a few gingers in it and they know how to rock it. This young lady though is rocking it on a whole new level, yes you can be my new baby momma. I'm serious too she has me out here thinking about taking chances your boy usualyy just says no to.
Have you noticed that Lindsay Lohan went batshit crazy when she went away from the red. Seroiusly back in the day she had talent, boobs, and a mind. She goes blonde and she starts taking drugs, starts looking like skeletor, and becomes allergic to dick. Seriously Lindsay is a Public Service Anouncement on why you should stay a redhead.
Now Kate Walsh is one of my favorite redheads seriously I don't even want to say alot about her. She ia bad for an old White lady, me and my boy Margus argued for half a day on who was the sexier old white woman Kate Walsh or Meg Ryan. I think Kate won on the strength of her red hair. Kate might get her own Chick on my Mind post in the coming weeks.
The redheads also have that crazy titty game going too, I'm telling you it's all there for the taking. Just look at the chick from Mad Men (returning tonight on AMC). Those are natural bags of fun I just want to rest in them, them, then motorboat them, then kiss them, and finally play Beamin is a baby.

You see I wasn't lying these redhead chicks either have huge tits or perfect ones for their bodies. They don't fail in any category my firend they always rock it when you need it. They can even rock the tats which you know I love. Their pail skin is like a sheet of paper so the color just pops off of them.
Oh and have we talked about freckles well I love them and you know what is slowly creeping up my list Brazialian Redheads. Yep i'm talking Cyinthia Decker swimsuit.. check, Brazilian... check, redhair... check, banging body... check looks like i'm good to go.

Yeah Jessica on True Blood is starting to come up quick on the radar!

- S. Beamin

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Real Chance of Love 2... Entertainment Coonery

2009-08-16T10:15:00.000-04:00

I must admit that I watched this show last season and was semi-delighted to see them return for another season of unpretentious TV mirth. To be completely honest, I never watched the other shows with New York, Flava Flav, and whoever else got a scripted love show on VH1 (Okay maybe I watched a few episodes of the Ray J show). The legendary douche bag brothers are back and have a room full of temporarily reformed strippers in the house. I could only imagine how nice it must be for women to give you whatever you want in an effort to win the show. What a grandeur life that must be?!?! Here is the proper time to meet the ladies. I must say that there are some lookers that are trained in the ancient art of "sluttery", alcoholism, and cunning betrayals.

I know the show has been on for a few weeks, but I saw it for the first time this weekend as I took a breather from this thing we call life. Yes I am entitled to watch coonery for pure enjoyment; it sure beats paying 500 bucks an hour for therapy. I look at some of those people's lives and become thankful that at least I have some form of sanity. More importantly, I have not embarrassed my family in an attempt to become a reality TV star. On a lighter note, this season started with a bang. Enjoy!

I honestly cannot wait to see what the rest of the season will bring. You never know with two brothers that actually competed for the most horse faced looking chick to hit the reality scene in a while...... New York aka I got enhanced in all the right placed but still have a f*cked up face. I would always expect the unexpected. I will keep you posted as I take this journey along with the rest of the world.

-Uncle Booze

PS- These are some of the dumbest dudes in the f*cking world, but nonetheless makes me laugh. I honestly think that Real may be borderline downs syndrome infected (It is a serious disease that I donate to on a yearly basis; I have a heart at times).