Cutoff Everywhere

I decided today to try to list all the places I have either been kicked out of or cutoff at because of alcohol. The list is long, varied and for the most part quite colorful so for your benefit I’ll break down a few of my favorites.
The first and one of my favorites is being kicked out of the Aerodrome, the Aerodrome is a local hockey rink where I have on many occasion taken part in endless kegs in the upstairs party room. Well this night me and my boy JP went to see our friend Pavel play a game before we went back to his house to throw a party. Well we couldn’t just go watch a hockey game we had to get drunk, but running low on time we each grabbed a thirty of Stones and headed out. The entrance and the game went swimmingly except for me taunting Pavel and pissing him off to the point where he shot a puck at me in the stands. We drank through the game and as we left we went to see Pavel and our friend Jimmy come off the ice. Having beer we thought passing them out would only be the right thing to do. This pissed off the owner as she had just noticed our actions and giving what may have been underage kids beer did not put us in the best light. We were quickly kicked out and told we should think again before we come back acting in such a fashion. Well fuck that I was back their drinking a few weeks later.
One of my favorite getting cutoff stories happened at a Casino. A fucking casino people a place where they give you drinks so that you fucking lose more money. Now I could see if we got cutoff for simply scamming drinks, but no we got cutoff while playing. I don’t know how it happened, but we think it was because they asked us to stop cursing and we then proceeded to tell them to fuck off. We all ran in different directions trying to get drinks, but the casino was too well organized. We hadn’t even noticed until our dealer informed us that while we were being cutoff five redcoats (security guards) had formed a wall behind us. They then offered us Coffee or water to calm us down, I told them I wanted mine black nine sugars and hot like the kind they throw on people’s faces in Turkey. And that was our cue to leave, we tried to eat but everything was closed so we ordered room service Steak and Eggs for each of us and a bottle of Crown for the room. I guess room service didn’t get the message.
The last place on my list will be the now infamous plane incident. Some people have heard this story, but for all the new readers here we go. It was on my way back from China and as well all know drinks on International flights are free. So S. Beamin was going in on the plane. Laughing drinking two bottles of Jim Beam at the same time. Well this mixed with me coming off an all night bender; being seated a few rows from my friends and an Ambien frenzy led to some antics. Antics not being asshole just antics, so when the old bitch stewardess cut me off I was pissed. I then proceeded to trick younger stewardesses to bring me more drinks, which pissed the old hag off even more. I then had my friends order drinks for me, but when a young female orders her second Whiskey straight within the last ten minutes people get suspicious. I quickly caught the mean glance from the old bitch, who came up and told me she knew what I was doing and she was going to put a stop to it. I figured I would do some other ignorant shit, because we were thirty thousand feet in the air and she couldn’t do shit to me. Seriously what was she going to do move me to confinement area, I was already fucking confined, because I had no liquor. I think I was really pissed off, because I was supposed to fuck this chick on the plane, but they separated us on the return instead of sitting us together like on the incoming flight.
Well there go some of the best moments of me getting cutoff or kicked out of places. Next time I’ll give some good bar, club, restaurant, and boat stories. There is also one at a hotel, but they all seem more appropriate for another day.

- S. Beamin

Sex Panther is on the Market

-Uncle Booze

My Return From My Distraction

Today, I will ensure that I will not neglect my readers by not posting on a daily basis. These last few weeks have been full of times that have prohibited me from my normal train of thought. No, I was not detained by the blue people with badges (PIGS) or kidnapped by vampires (MICHAEL STEELE and the elephant people), but I was in a daze people. I was soul searching....who soul was I searching for???? Mine, I think. At least I hope so.

Side note: "If I was searching for some else's soul, what would that make me? Conclusion.....it had to be mine and only mine. I cannot help someone find their soul, right?"

Exactly. Well, while in this daze, I was attempted to use bounded rationality to determine why I was going through this period of uncertainty. (To me a period of uncertainty consist of...... not knowing where my next beer is going to come from.... why would I concern myself with thinking about getting my next meal?) Then it hits me, I haven't had a beer for over a month. I gave it up to see if I had self control and it can be determined I do, but it came with some side effects:

• I had to drink wine on a consistent basis (something I only drank to celebrate the arrival of a chick's period. I dodged another bullet)...I had to learn a whole new language of liquor like Carbernet Sauvingnon. This red substance took a toll on my libido. Every time I had a glass of red wine, I wanted to poke something, if you know what I mean. I am still on a high of drinking red wine and trying to come down, but I truly fear chaffing (latex has its side effects).
• I was not able to think clearly. It was like my mind was clouded. I was able to determine my mind was clouded because I watched C-SPAN and did not know what was going on. I normally know these things. Things like why we need Health Care reform or why the department of defense do not need anymore earmarks. But the topics were all foreign to me.......... OLD ANGLO-SAXONS interrogating Sonia Sotomayor about her comment. Confirm her already people.
• I started seeing things. I was in the mall shopping for a gift for someone. Every time I passed someone with a beverage, I saw "Pan Pan Greek god Pan" drinking a brew. After about the 5th time of seeing this anathema, I thought I might be going crazy. (Not Brittney Spears crazy, but Jamie Foxx I glued my eyes shut to get into the role of Ray crazy). In actuality, drinking is suppose to cause hallucinations, but in my surreal life it worked in the opposite. FML

I honestly thought that giving up that sweet nectar that comes from hops would do my body some good. I was in dismay when I discovered that it had harsh effect of my psyche. My separation from my life long partner had caused temporary damages that I have overcome over the last 24 hours.

Hard Core Conclusion:

I need brews to function normally. What guy doesn't? Ladies, keep brews in the fridge for us. We truly appreciate it. My body does not have a dependency on it, but I have OCD for brew ha has. Some may call it alcoholism, but I doubt it because I have never been arrested. If you have, you cannot judge me; it is written in the book of brews (a book I haven't finished writing yet).

-Dr. Uncle Booze

Throwback Thursday: Chicks with Ink

I have no idea what it is, but these pale chicks with ink are starting to do it for me. It started like a few weeks ago when I saw the chick above. I don't know what it is, but all that ink just ignited something in your dude Beamin's head. It's like her body is truly a piece of art. I know alot of tatted people say that shit but these pale chicks actually have skin like an art canvas. The way the color pops of her skin is amazing. Look at the way she goes all in no restraint, no fear of what society thinks about what she has done, and what she will continue to do as her canvas is ever changing.

It's not just her it's these red headed chicks with tats that have got me now too. I guess it might be the Irish in me or the proximity to St. Patrick's day, but I want to tag the shit out of one of these lasses. I think it's just an extension of the whole color and pop art theory, but your boy Beamin sets his mind to something and it's .........seek and destroy my friends.

Another thing is these chicks need to have a ton of tats and I'm not talking drunken soroity girls Playboy bunny tats. I need some hours in the chair to get me at this point. Now, don't get me wrong I will draw a line cause some chicks with Tats just don't do it for me. In the world of Beamin, I draw the line right before Kat Von D. I also realize I will never marry one of these chicks so its more than likely is just another phase in S. Beamin's life. Who cares though, I'm young and making beautiful tatted up mistakes is what being young is good for. I just found out this chick Pixie was strutting around on TV and I missed it, now it's game time your boy Beamin is going all out. That piece of cake on her side is just looks too good I'd eat it up.


-S.Beamin

Tales of Chivas part four Lake House

Chivas as we know by now is a real dick, but somehow he seems to gain new friends were ever he goes. One of these new friends James happened to invite Chivas and his friends O.K. and Russ to his lake house for the weekend. Like most events in Chivas’ life this weekend centered around booze. The story he told me was long and drawn out, but for your benefit we’ll skip to the good part.
The night that Chivas and friends arrived at the lake house it was the night of UFC TUF Finale. James’ lake house was great and the entertainment room was nice and spacious which help contribute to the acts that were soon to follow. Well during the fights Russ decided it would be great to make up a story about being an Iraq War vet to fuck with James' brother and friends. Well this story with the help of Chivas quickly got out of hand as it moved from war vet, to being hit by an I.E.D., to being permanently scared, to finally co-opting the story of the fighter on the TV behind him and having a retarded son named Thor. The blow up that ensued from someone questioning the Thor story was epic, and led to everyone not in on the joke apologizing to Russ and saying how brave he was for going to war and keeping his child.
Now with the liquor flowing and fights on it could only lead to one thing a full on grappling match. Of course Chivas dominated the competition as he was fueled with Rum and low rent steroids. To win one match Chivas even went as far as too Ike Turner choke James. Now here is where I should tell you that at this point in life Chivas had a bit of a rage problem that when mixed with alcohol makes for a pretty bad situation if your on the end of it. So when it came time to grapple with one of James’ brother’s friends lets call him Lank, took a turn for the worst. The reason you may ask is because Lank has a lung that has a tendency to collapse. Well instead of taking it easy on the kid Chivas went all out for the win. The results of course were a collapsed lung.
Well you can’t tell James’ parents, because they were drunk, they couldn’t call an ambulance, because they were drunk, and they couldn’t think straight, because they were drunk. So there bright idea Russ would make up another story about how he was under going EMT training and could save him. With what you may ask well breathing exercises of course. Chivas and Russ sat young Lank down and made him cross his legs touch his fingers together and do shallow breathes until he felt better. The two of them proceeded to get super drunk and let Chivas pass out with no thought to Lank.
The story should end here, but no just because Chivas is like a viper if he gets riled he strikes. Well tonight what riled up Chivas was O.K., in his drunken stupor Chivas heard a story that O.K. was telling about someone who was in the Klan. To his ears Chivas thought O.K. was saying he was in the Klan even though he had known O.K. for years and had never seen him in a hood and robe. So Chivas jumped up off the couch where he was sleeping and punched O.K. on the chest with the power of Zeus. While everyone else looked on aghast Chivas simply went back to sleep as if nothing happened.
You see people not only is Chivas a drunk, but he also has a few anger issues, which makes for a great person in the eyes of S. Beamin. If not only because everyone likes a drunk who can fight, but Chivas is always there to supply me with a good tale to share with you.

- S. Beamin

Chick Attractiveness Strategy

The other day, I S. Beamin actually learned something in school and instead of using it for good, I will transform it in to evil. What did I learn you ask?? Well, I learned about a little something called the Quantitative Strategy Planning Matrix or QSPM. This little matrix is supposed to help me pick the most attractive strategy as a manager for my company, I will be using it to pick the most attractive girl for my d*ck. And, I will impart this knowledge onto you.
First, you need to find the key success factors for the chicks in competition for your d*ck. I like to pick one out of four, because it’s a nice round number. Next, is to list the internal strengths and weaknesses of a chick. These are the things she can control and must take responsibility for. Next I’ll list here external opportunities and threats.... things that the outside world will use to break her down in my eyes.

Second, you set the girls up you have chosen to pick from. You can use their names or numbers that go along with a picture key. I’m a big fan of the picture key. The third step is to assign a weight to each key success factor..... all the internals should equal up to one and all the externals should equal up to one.

The fourth step is to assign an attractiveness score or a rating to each factor by asking how does this factor effect my choice in chicks. If it’s not really attractive give it a 1, 2 if it’s just a little attractive, 3 if it is quite attractive, and a 4 if it makes you want to rip her pants off and bend her over a table.

The next step is to get her total attractiveness score for each factor by multiplying the weight and the attractiveness score. The last step is to add all the TAS (Total Attractiveness Score) up and the one with the highest total TAS is your winner.

So, here we go. Lets see this chart in full effect. First, lets find the chicks and pick which one I’ll try to f*ck. For the purpose of this example, we’ll use a mixture of chicks I actually do know and some I don’t. The ones I don’t know, I’ll just project my feelings upon them.
1.
2.
3.
4.
Now that you know the contestants lets see how the scored on the Pick a Chick Matrix. Click on Picture to enlarge.

According, to the chart my first conquest of the four should be lovely lady number four. She just happens to be Camesha who I met during my short time at the Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island. Yeah, your boy Beamin does it big. We actually met during one of those numerous fashion pageants they hold in the lower level of the resort. She is a nice girl with an island accent, with a great body, and a good head on her shoulders. She also has a start up fashion business and looks banging in a bikini..... so good stuff. And in true S. Beamin fashion none of the other chick are eliminated by any means they simply got pushed down the list. Looks like I’m getting some plane tickets boys.


- S. Beamin

How to End Obesity Proposal #1

Today, I must admit I am ashamed to be an American. I was watching CNN a few minutes ago and 2/3 of America is like f*cking over weight. The average American eats 250 more calories ( day) than Americans ate 20 years ago. America, we need a Calorie Reform; it is going to take the help of every American. Okay I must admit that I was a fat little kid, but as I got older and learned healthy eating habits, the weight slowly dropped.

America it is time to wake up. I propose the following initiatives to help America get back in shape. I myself have survived a month of P90X; the most extreme workout ever. I think we need to put additional taxes on foods such as:

• McDonalds, Burger King, and the rest of the fast food giants. I drive pass these places everyday and see cars upon cars in the drive-thru. The sad thing is their are little kids in those cars getting their favorite meals, and never realizing that they are going to be the fat kid for the rest of their life. Stop doing this to children. A lady just got arrested for letting her son weighing over 500 pounds.
• Soda (Diet Soda is OK)-No diet soda is wrong. All soda is wrong. It is not natural.
• Pastries- Just nothing but sugar and carbs= death and diabetes
• Ice Cream-Banned
• Hot Dogs- The devil's meat
• Ramen Noodles- Anything you can purchase a lifetime supply of for $100 should not be eaten.
• White breads, white pasta, and white potatoes-
• Chocolate- ???????
• Lunchables- Death in a box
• Mayonnaise- Who invented this?
• Applebee's- Should be banned
• Energy Drinks (Red Bull is banned in France)

There should be a 20% tax on the above items. Due to the recession, most people will not be able to afford these items because it would be considered a luxury good. Before you know it, people around you will start to look skinnier. Of course putting a tax on the above foods is not enough, we will need to initiate the following:

• Mandatory daily workouts for non-active people. Companies should have a gym in their offices and require their employees to use it. It should be used as an incentive to receive a pay check. Sometimes people need to be forced to get motivated.
• Take the weights of people before they purchase fatty foods. This will cause embarrassment and hopefully motivate people to lose weight.
• Stop selling obese people clothes. Making their clothes is like supporting their habit. After some time, these people will realize that the only thing they have to wear is their bed sheet or curtain. Then they will realize that the only way to get new clothes is to lose weight.
• Ban all surgeries that help obese people take a short cut to lose weight. These surgeries should only be used in the event the person situation is life threatening.

-Uncle Booze

(Note: I am not familiar with the "legal" definition of obese and do not wish to offend anyone. I do however know that my proposal is far fetched; it should be used for humor purposes and to spark ideas. I do believe that there is a fat little kid in all of us. Just yesterday, I ate some reduce fat ice cream; I am only human.)

The Chick on my Mind.... Wendy Davis

Like most dudes my Sunday nights for years have revovled around recovering from the weekend and HBO. Me being S. Beamin I don't get regular hangover, I get night hangovers so HBO Sunday night has saved my life on many an occasion. It started like most people with the Sopranos, then Entourage, and then True Blood no matter what you could always rely on HBO to get you through. A few weeks ago I treaded into territory few men ever do the Lifetime network. I'm sorry I saw some dudes shooting guns and thought this might be a light weight Generation Kill. It wasn't it was Army Wives a bastion of strong sexy women and the army. The one who caught my eye was Wendy Davis.
Damn now that is ripe like grapes on the vine sexy right there. Wendy plays some character on the show married to some dude, but i don't really pay attention to shit that comes out of these peoples' mouthes. What I do know is that right there is a strong, sexy confident black women or at least she plays one on TV. You know me I had to hit up the search and find out some more about this chick.
Well according to IMDB she has been in a bunch of shit i have never seen. Mainly because it's chick stuff or guest roles, but that doesn't matter because I now have her every Sunday on Army wives. The best part about it is she is a soldier so you get to see that contrast from her looking rough and tough in fatigues to sexy as shit when she gets to the crib. I'm just saying we could play all types of sex games, I can grow a mean beard so if she wants to play Soldier and Insurgent I'm down
And if Wendy wasn't enough this show also brings you the big titty love of Catherine Bell. Yes the chick from J.A.G. never watched the show, but that FHM from childhood will always be in my head so my swirl is in full affect. Don't worry guys i'll never miss a Sunday night of HBO, but i have to say my DVR will always catch the late show of Army Wives.
Next week i'll be back to objectifying females for all the wrong reasons so don't lose hope.
- S. Beamin

Sgt. James Crowley....American Idiot

As we all know, this has been the topic of the week; it even overshadowed the 3 week coverage of the death of Michael Jackson. But what really gets me is the cop arrested Gates and now refuses to apologize for his "stupid" actions. Pig if you are reading this, you should re-evaluate your life. You have arrested one of the most profound black intellects of racial profiling. How stupid are you? This is a situation in which you cannot go to your handbook to circumvent a negative outcome. At this point, most of black America and a vast majority of the rest of America, sees you as a Douchebag. If they had a TV show about the douchebag pig you would be the 1st episode. I wish the following upon you. You are forced by your department to issue a public apology and resign. From there you will have to clean horses feces for the rest of your life. After cleaning feces for minimum wage, you realize that you cannot support your family and result to a life of crime. While committing criminal acts, you get caught by 1 Black, 1 Hispanic, and 1 Asian officer. Uh Oh..... You may be in trouble. Being the bigot you are, you slip off and say a plethora of racial slurs.............. I will leave the rest to your imagination.

-Uncle Booze

The Day Legends Burned Down

Everyone knows that your friend and leader has an affinity for the titter, and especially my first and favorite titter Legends. Yes since the day I decided to go all out with my cousin’s ID (Thanks Coke), I have loved Legends. It was the place where I could bring in a thirty of Keystones sit down and watch chicks get naked. It was amazing there was even a protocol that I soon became familiar with.
The greatest thing about Legends was that it was just in between the classy and dirt ass rock bottom strip club. It had a nice ratio of 7 nice girls to 1 dirty skank, which always kept things in perspective. It helped balance my true feelings for strippers and what I needed when I walked into the Titter. It’s just an honest fact I don’t like Stripper touch, yeah strippers I prefer that you not touch me without asking first. You see I’ve been to other clubs where there is finger banging and hands in pants, which at a point becomes a bit much for me. I’m sorry I just figure I’m not the first one in line in those scenarios and more than likely I’m not even in the top fifty that night. The farthest it ever went for me at legends was a little nipple play, which at the time I didn’t really mind.
Legends also introduced me to the greatest thing ever which is Stripper embarrassment. Yeah you would think you could never embarrass a Stripper, see job title but you can. What we found is that Strippers are actually embarrassed by positive reinforcement. Yeah if a Stripper does a good job they expect money not money and a standing ovation. Yes me and my friends started giving the chicks standing O’s and the results were hilarious. Yep you got strippers covering their faces, giggling, and running off stage. The best part is that they then come back and give you a little special attention.
Legends even had chicks from all over the world, my favorite of course was a young lady named Elektra from Argentina. Se could really move I’m talking snaking her body up the mirrored wall upside down, climbing up the pole and coming down in the splits, and making her pussy do tricks I had never seen up to that point. When I talk about pole work I’m talking Olympic level people I was straight up flabbergasted by her moves, I was surprised the Argentine flag didn’t come out at the end for the medal presentation. And you didn’t hear it from me but it was 20 for a nut in the back with Elektra.
The last time I went to Legends though was a sad day for me, not because it was the last time but because of what I saw. You know what I saw no nipples and no cooter. Yes the law had taken away the best things about the titter they had put pasties on their tits and they had to keep their panties on. I was sick the entire thirty minutes I was there. Every time we got to song three when they were supposed to take it all off I was quickly shut down by an new colored nipple be it silver, blue, or gold. I was sad as I retuned home, but nothing could prepare me for what would happen only two weeks later.
It was right before I was to travel to New Orleans for some springtime fun when I got the text. A good friend from back home gave me the word that the Titter ad burned down. What Titter I said not Legends the reply was yes Legends. I was sad not just for the loss of the titter, but because it could never redeem itself. In my heart though I’ll remember it for the good times. The time the stripper blew the dollar in my friends face, the time a stripper bit my nipple while wearing a Little Red Riding Hood costume, the time one big faced my friend, also when she took his hat and danced wit t, and who can forget the time I got hit with a stripper’s shoe and then returned it to her. Those are the things I will remember not the bad times at the end, so this one's to you Legends you’ll live in our hearts forever.

- S. Beamin

Personals Thursday #2

Here is today's personal that I have taken the liberty to reply to:

WEALTHY MEN ONLY - 28 (Schaumburg)

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Date: 2009-07-23, 11:46AM CDT

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Looking for a man who can financially enlightening me. I am an African American female that needs financial help (rent, car note, etc.). My height is 5'6, weight is 130 lbs., and my measurements are 36C-26-36. I am meduim brown complected, have no children, and no drama. Please do not request pics I do not participate with plastering myself online.

Talk with you soon!

Renata

• Location: Schaumburg
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1284896502

My response I sent Renata:

Renata,

Obviously with a name like Renata, you will probably make my credit score decline if we were to ever elope. You are not worthy of even riding in the truck of my Swedish made automobile. The world does not appreciate gold digging chicks. It is chicks like you that make harlots look good, despite their obvious profession. I personally think you are legitimately crazy. Why?

What man in their right mind would agree to pay for any expenses incurred by a woman without:

1. Getting something in return

2. ???????????????

Need I say more

You participate in what I like to call....legalized prostitution. My advice to you is get a f*cking job so you can financially enlighten yourself. Plus you are a bit over weight for your height to expect someone to take care of you; I believe that most men will agree with me. To be completely honest, you are a walking oxymoron because you do not want to plaster yourself online, but you put a personal on Craigslist. Please do not tell me you are part of the "invasion of the stupid b*tches." Man, do I dread the day you guys get officially organized. The world is going to be a hectic place.

-Uncle Booze

Throwback Thursday: Fuck PETA

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, F*ck You. Yes I said what every red blooded American in this world has wanted to say. Have you seen these fools out there crusading for Animal Rights. Animal Rights what is that they are animals people have rights and a little while ago some people didn't have rights. So you want me to change my life so some stinky Ferrel beast can roam around f*cking with my shit. Hello people I S. Beamin am a Hunter, Gatherer, classified in the Carnivore class. Yep when Bambi's mom got shot I wondered if the Hunter would stuff and mount her even though it was doe. I can't wait to shoot my first Buck, soon you're gonna roll in to S Dot's crib and see a parade of mounted game. I'm talking Zebras, Rhinos, even a Lion, S Dot is talking big game safari hunter out here. Come on now people you want to stop me from eating and hunting animals, but animals eat an hunt each other fuck it if you can't enforce animal rights between animals then you can't do shit to me. I'm shooting, eating, and wearing animals to the end. That's right bury me in a mink lined coffin, wearing Alligator boots, leather jacket, and a chinchilla scarf.

Oh and these crazy Mother F*ckers are running around throwing paint on peoples minks, let me tell you that shit can get you killed. In the words of my Mother the owner of two full lengths Minks Black & White, "If they came up on me I'd beat the shit out of one of those Mother F*ckers". Game, Set, and Match McEnroe you know how deep this shit is your boy owns a queen sized Mink bedspread. Yeah when your boy gets cold he's sleepin on Mink how you like that animal lovers. Do you know what a horrible animal a mink is go study those little shits and see if you don't have some mink by the end of the week. I'm telling you everyone in my family will be minked out Micheal Irvin Style court house style.

You see that that's the Bacon Weave or if you like cheese the Bacon Roll now that's what your boy thinks is a complete meal. I set my meal with one basis some meat (no homo), S Dot's menu consist of Beef and stuff, Pork and Stuff, Chicken and stuff. It's so deep I really don't mess with Turkey cause punks be trying to substitute real artery clogging protein with that shit. So there you have it F*uck you PETA from here on out if a designer doesn't use fur I' not wearing it, if a restaurant has some rare game I'm telling them to grill it up Medium or Raw if I'm a regular. Oh and by the way as soon as I get to Japan I'm eating some Whale all day, every day, and in every way. Yeah I watched Whale Wars, your dumb ass deserved to get shot pullin them dumb ass stunts.

- S. Beamin

Tales of Chivas part Three First ticket

Chivas started his days of debauchery in his formative years giving the world an easy excuse to why he act the way he does. This story is about the first time Chivas ever got a ticket for drinking. As we all know, there are arcane laws the young people of America must follow. Well, Chivas decided that tonight was the night to party and it was going to be epic.

The first thing Chivas did was concocting a half lie to tell his parents about where he was going and why he wouldn’t be returning until the next night. With his simple going to the beach, the next day story he was off and ready to get hammered. Seeing as his boy Bartender Bob had already had a party the night before, that Chivas had missed, it was time to make up for lost opportunities. The party started for Chivas a little earlier than other guest as he ran through a 12 pack per his pre party ritual.

According to Chivas, this is where the tale gets blurry as the concoction of drinks and pills had him rolling. Chivas remembers running around five games of quarters and three epic games of anchorman. After a crushing defeat to his Al’s Girlfriend in the last game of Anchorman, our boy Chivas moved onto the Greenery. Knocking back some bowls of green mellowed out Chivas, but as he knew before hand the mix of booze and weed were going to be his downfall.

This is where the night took a turn for it’s worst. The actions of Chivas and some of his friends were about to come back and haunt them. I mean haunt them they did in the form of 12 guys from a rival high school and their buddy who had just joined the local NFL franchise. Not that the type of dudes they were wasn’t problem enough, they came equipped with bats. After chasing down some partygoers and putting it to them, the fight turned into a brawl on the street. Chivas in his drunken state moved directly to his car where his simply repeated the phrase “Don’t hit my car!” As usual the cops were soon called, as all out brawls aren’t common occurrences in the burbs.

According to Chivas, he came out of his blackout in the bathroom and it was puking time. That’s right Chivas went on a puking rally that he says filled up the toilet, which then meant he moved directly to the bathtub which he quickly filled up halfway. What he forgot during this time of joy was the Police who were outside waiting on him.

When they finally got him outside to question him Chivas was his usual uncooperative self. According to him, the questioning went like this. Officer: “How much have you had to drink?” Chivas: “About three or four dude.” Officer: “Honestly sir how many have you had tonight?” Dumb Chick “ Don’t lie to him Chivas!” Chivas: “ Shut the fuck up, puke!” Yep Chivas proceeded to puke all over the officer’s shoes, easy to say tickets were written and parents were called. This story ended with 200 dollars worth of tickets, a year of deferred adjudication, and two weeks of being grounded by his folks. Hey just another day in the life of our boy Chivas.

- S. Beamin

Heavy Vee...Enough Said

These clips were inspired by me being forced to watch America's Got Talent by my special lady friend. I am really lost for words. I hope that you find humor in this like I did. Heavy Vee you are pure entertainment, but I feel propelled to offer you some advice that I would give any corpulent woman. Since you like dancing so much, you should take up Tabao. I assure you within 2 months time, you will see results. I meant that in the best possible way. On a lighter note, I do believe that you will inspire a nation. A nation in which any BBW (corpulent chick) can walk into a club and out dance the fittest chick in the club. A nation in which any BBW can order every item on the menu at McDonalds, Taco Bell, Burger King, Wendy's, Sonics, Jack in a Box, White Castle, and the list can go on, without people looking at them strange. A nation in which a BBW can pay for only one airplane ticket, when they take up two seats. A nation in which a BBW can walk into Wal-Mart and use the scooters for the elderly to shop. With that being said, I think that you should apply to be the spokesperson for your people. In actuality, I think you should pursue the MC thing. I truly wish you the best in some way, shape, form, or some sh*t like that. Take care and reach for the cheeseburgers.

-Uncle Booze

Period-a-Phobia

There are not a lot of things that I am afraid of, but I think there is a chance that I suffer from Period-a-phobia. It has been a cause of fear for men since the beginning of time. What is Period-a-phobia? Just look below.

Period-a-phobia per·iod·a·pho·bi·a: (n.) is a specific phobia, an abnormal fear of a woman's menstrual cycle. Pathological fear of a woman's menstrual cycle.

The reactions of period-a-phobia often seem irrational to others ( and sometimes to the sufferers themselves). People with period-a-phobia, such as myself and I believe most males, tend to feel uneasy in any area which could harbor a woman on her cycle. If period-a-phobics see a woman on her period, such as the aisle in the grocery store that host menstrual pads, they may not enter the general vicinity of the area until they have overcome the panic attack that is associated with their phobia. In some cases, even a picture of a woman shopping for menstrual pads may cause the sufferer to enter a panic attack due to fear. Sufferers feel humiliated if such episodes happens in the presence of family or peers.

The fear of a woman's period cannot be treated. There has been rare cases that some men have overcome this dreaded illness, but have not bestowed this knowledge on the rest of the world. An evolution reason for phobics remains unsolved. One view, especially held in evolution psychology, is the presence of PMS as a tagalong to a woman's menstrual cycle has lend to the evolution of a fear of a woman's period.

The alternate view is the danger of a woman's period are overrated and not sufficient enough to influence evolution. I completely disagree. There are menstruating women on every piece of this Earth, which have threatened the very existence of us males. As a result, the phobia came into existence. For instance, a woman can become extremely angry and use sharp objects as projectile devices, while menstruating. These objects can cause severe injury to the male.

Most men with this phobia are scared that the period will interfere with love making (sex), causing unwanted stress. They also dislike the smell and red liquid (blood) that comes from the vagina. Furthermore, the emotional and phycological instability of the menstruating woman has lead the phobia to flourish without limits.

-Uncle Booze

unclebooze@gmail.com

The Chick on My Mind... Annie Thao

I told you I would find it and I did, yeah boy I found an Asian chick with ASS. Seriously it felt like I shot a Unicorn when I stumbled upon all this Asian ASS, and yes if you were wondering I will be typing in all caps when it comes to Asian ASS. The woman that made all this possible is Annie Thao. You see that when I saw that I let out the Marv Albert YES!
I don't know what to say that Asian ASS just brings that single tear to my eye and lets me know that all these months suffering from yellow fever was seemingly not all for nothing. There is a promised land where Asian chicks run around with mad droppy swangas and bounce phat Asian ASS all the live long day.
There you go gentlemen just bath in the glory that is the Asian ASS, seriously they have it all now everything that a man could ever need. And if you didn't know alot of them are freaks like real deal freaks. I'm talking you go to Japan and you run into a whole nother level of perversion yet to truly reach these shores. With all that being said, I went to China last summer, Thailand is in my sights, then Japan, and the Phillipines so women of Asia watch out.

Side note if you see a bunch of Blackanese children running around in a few years it's my fault and don't worry they will be well disciplined little fuckers. Seriously Asian ASS FMW (For the Motherfuckin Win)

- S. Beamin

Some of these Asian Chicks Might be a Tad Too Freaky

As the captain of the Battle Ship S. Beamin I sometime steer this ship and it's passengers into some shaky water. And to be honest with you this whole Yellow Fever thing has been one of those times. I got caught up in all the greatness that was Maggie Q, Lucy Lu, and others of that ilk. I was wrapped up in their slender frames and newfound T&A, it seemed like everything was coming together in a lovely Oriental doll. Then you mix in those arcane stereotypes like them being submissive, living to serve their man and doing things that young independent women no longer do these days. I must admit when I look back on it I might have been a little naive.

First lets be honest I’ve been running through a few Asian broads, and to be forthright I’m pretty much out of options in this college town. You know what I found none of them actually encompass all of the things I wrote about earlier. They may have one or two of the qualities, but none of them happened to be the complete package. What I actually found out was that the thing I was truly missing was these chicks are freaks.
Being S. Beamin I’ve never been one to shy away from new and exciting things, but I had to look at the path I was walking down. So I did some research into what some of these chicks were into when they felt really comfortable and free. These bitches are wild son I’m talking Woo Kemosabie we need to take a step back here. These chicks are into some freaky ass club shit. You see those Go-Go dancers at the clubs here is just the tip of the ice berg, over there I’ve seen chicks dressed in military gear, Sailor Moon costumes, and even Garfield. Yes I was in the club with Mother Fuckin Garfield getting loose. The thing I didn't know was that they have clubs in Japan where dudes just watch chicks swim around in blue water and bathe and shit.

You see that video SARS mask, pastes, brown knee socks, and choreographed dancing. Seriously this shit makes little to no sense to your boy. She just mixed two elements sexy, with one element weird, and one creepy. That does not make for a good mix according to your boy. That happens to be the one thing I can't get over with this freaky Asian shit, is the creepy factor. This one Asian chick brought me over to watch a movie, being S Dot I thought I might have to watch some lovely dubby shit to get to the ass getting, well not so fast my friend. This chick put in what seemed like an anime cartoon, which was weird, but then that shit turned on me, because it was porn. Yeah cartoons fucking is what got her in the mood.
I'll let you know now your boy was not running up in those guts directly after watching two round eyes cartoon characters fuck each others brains out. So I asked her what else she was into thinking maybe we could work pass this Hentai as she called it and find some normal shit, boy was I wrong. She brought out some freaky shit that was blowing my mind, but the thing that tipped the iceberg was tentacle porn or Tentacle rape as she called it. Yeah I’m talking Octopuses and other sea life sucking on chicks, needless to say I had never seen anything like that and I’ve seen a lot. I of course took one for the team and let her do a bunch of freaky shit to me throughout the night, showered and never called again.
I think that night has pretty much broken that Yellow Fever fantasy I had rolling, but I am heading back home in a couple of weeks so who knows. More than likely I’ll fall back into old habits, but you know these redheads have been creeping on to the radar lately.

-S. Beamin

Farting Vagina

Please click on the picture. I do not believe this woman. She has made allegations against her vagina for farting, but claims she has not had intercourse. I honestly do not know what to think. I wanted to respond to her saying. " You are a f*cking lie." Who am I to judge?

-Uncle Booze

Personals Thursday #1

Today I have decided to respond to females' personals on Craigslist. Today's personal is:

Fantastic, Funny, Flirty, Fat Girl Seeking a Boyfriend - 30 (Chicago)

---

Reply to: pers-jwjkx-1265993119@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-07-12, 11:18AM CDT

I am a BBW that is in search of someone what wants to become friends first. I am a single with no children.. Im not looking for a sexual relationship, but what I am looking for is someone that wants to take the time to get to know each other. Spend quality time. I have a wonderful out look on life, an outgoing personality, I have a very kind, loving heart and I am very understanding. AND these are the same qualities that I am looking for in a MAN, a real man. If this is you and you are looking to be with a BBW and you have the same qualities please send a message. Your photos will get mine!

Please be ages 26-40, single, over 5'9, live only in Chicago.

My response I sent her today:

Lady never start off a personal ad with telling someone you are a BBW. To me it is an instant sign to run. Any chick that weighs more than me needs to go to Jenny Craig.........quick. If we were not in a recession, I would pay for your first month. Furthermore, no dude wants to f*ck a BBW. So you do not need to let the world know that you are not looking for a sexual relationship. We all know that you are dryer than the Sahara desert down there. I wish you the best.

-Uncle Booze

Throwback Thursday I Go There For the Wings

Now the title to this post is a lie I don’t know a single guy that goes to Hooters for the wings, I feel bad even putting that owl up there we know what I'm there for. The chicken sandwich maybe, the tits definitely. I myself love Hooters if you ask me where we should go eat I say Hooters, that’s because if you wanted good food you would have a plan an not ask me where to go. Now it’s true I’m a bit of a foodie and I eat in the best restaurants in whatever city I’m in, but I love the Hoot. One day while we were rolling around the ATL my boy asked me why, I thought about it and replied “They got chicken, beer, and boobs that's the trifecta what more could you want” and that people is the truth.
No where else other than my house do I get the full combination of tits, beer, and meat? Now chicken/poultry might not be steak, but hey their boobs are out I can get over it. The great thing about Hooters is everyone has a Hooter story and everyone has the one Hooter’s story that almost turned you off the place. Yes I’m talking about the Hooters waitress with no Hooters. No it’s not a purple unicorn, because it’s happened to us all at one point or another. Now don’t worry it happens to the best of us we get there and we just pick the wrong section, it happened to me on my first visit. Now this could have ended my Hooters career, but no I learned from my mistake. The first and only step you need to learn is scope the area, you can sit wherever in Hooters and you can do it whenever so peep the prospects and draft that set of Double Ds.

Lets be honest some of them peeps in the back can burn I’ve been to Hooters in every state I’ve been to, as well as Mexico, Canada, The Virgin Islands, and I just couldn’t find it when I was China or I would have been in there too. Look whenever your beer at this place gets low a chick is rolling up and hitting you with a perfect poor, what more could you want. Oh yeah the full bar they just added your boy S. Dot is in there like it’s a second home. If you’re from the south then you know you get the fried pickles to show off that good ole boy heritage. If you’re feeling randy you can pull your girl over for some oysters a bottle of Dom and see what happens, but this leads to another problem.

Now the other problem people fall into at Hooters is the chick actually likes me trap. This will happen with almost every guy in the world, she bats her eyes, bends down, leans in, and smiles. Most dudes are done right there you’ve added five dollars to the tip and you don’t even have a drink. Now I’ll be honest with you it’s happened to me as well, the only difference between me and you is I’m 6 for 10. Yeah that’s right your boy Beamin has caught the eye of 6 chicks from the Hoot, now the other 4 I crashed and burned hard. The thing is you gotta diversify that means you gotta go for not just the white shirts, but the black shirts as well. Personally the contrast with the black and orange does it for me. I've even pulled two of the girls who wear polos so you know they were high class and definitely did not disappoint. It’s hard I know, but look at this way three of them came to me so I’m good but not great.
Now all this talk has got me ready to go so if you need me S Dot will be trying to go 7 for 11 at the local Hooters. To think about it I might have to call one of those old Hooters girls and see how they get down on St. Paddy’s day boobs do look good in green, just like beer. My compatriot Uncle Booze is also a lover of Hooters both the body part and the restaurant, so he'll definitely be chiming in.

- S. Beamin

Tales of Chivas Part Two: Dastardly Acts

Chivas Tales part two
Today I will bring you a tale of despair from Chivas, the ruiner. This tale includes betrayal and sabotage that would become synonymous with Chivas. Being the type of guy Chivas is he loves to party and when you love to party if you can’t find one you throw one. So this is where this tale begins, being the summer Chivas was currently hanging out with some of his summer friends. Now what is a summer friend well it’s a person you know, but don’t really know until one summer when you both hangout and form a friendship that will probably not last pass August.
Well Chivas’ summer friend had a girlfriend who we could all say was pretty attractive. She seemed to have eyes for Chivas and that’s all it takes for a guy like Chivas who doesn’t really care about right and wrong. Well through the night the flirting continued and by the time the night ended everyone was too drunk to get home so Chivas offered up his home to his guest. Chivas of course retires to his room, his brother to the parental units room, extra friend to the guest rooms, and Summer Friend and his chick too his brothers room. The problem with this is that those rooms are connected by just a bathroom.
Sometime during the night the young lady snick into Chivas’ room, not being a guy to say no Chivas opened his bed to the young lady. What followed was a night of drunken sex and betrayal known by few, actually not really because there is a show called Cheaters on TV. Before the sun came up to spare his Summer Friend’s feelings he had his girl slink back to his brother’s room to sleep the few minutes of the night left away.
The problem with Chivas is that he really is a true down to the bone asshole. So the next morning as he heard the shower going he sneaks into his brother’s room. As he suspected he finds her their in the bed while her boyfriend showers for the day to come. Chivas never missing an opportunity proceeded to slip into the bed for an early morning quickie to as he put it knock down his morning wood (pause). Finishing just before her man came out of the shower he stayed in the bed and proceeded to have a conversation with his Summer Friend before he and his girlfriend left with him none the wiser.
Chivas continued to hangout with his Summer Friend having a goodtime and not worrying about a thing. This you see is how Chivas rolls and the world should just get used to it.

- S. Beamin

Homey the Clown... My Role Model

As a child, I thought that Homey the Clown was an American Hero; way better than self proclaimed war hero John "I am older than the Earth" McCain. Homey the clown did not play that; so as a child, I took up the same philosophy. When kids attempted to trade me their tuna sandwich for my pizza Lunchable, I would just hit them upside the head with my lunch tray. When the Arab at the corner store tried to cheat me out of my change, I got out my Swiss Army knife and told the terrorist to give me my f*cking change. I meant that in the best political way possible. So with that being said, here is a much needed tribute to Homey the Clown.

-Uncle Booze

Entourage...The Boys Are Back

This summer has been filled with dispair, partying, and nights I can't remember as I anticipated the arrival of the best show on television..... Entourage. Last season, Vinny and the boys were going through tough times, but this season gives viewers a new hope. The episode started with the infamous team (Vince, "E" , Turtle, and Drama) at the "frat house" and viewers soon discover that "E" was about to tell a "bustdown" he loved her. Completely goes against gentlemen's rule "E". Not only does "E" almost commit a cardinal sin, this motherf*cker is still whipped by his super hot ex-girlfriend, Sloan. In my opinion, it is cool to keep those around just in case you need a quickie, but never ever ever jump every time they call; the trick simply ain't worth it. Hence, you guys are no longer together. The writers redeem"E's" reputation by letting viewers know he has banged a plethora of chicks (Shout out to "E" for this one), which cancels out him being whipped by the ex-girlfriend.

My favorite TV character of all time, Ari Gold (below), steals the spot light by telling his female business partner to suck it classic Ari style. The botox infected "cankle" b*tch (she does not have ankles) deserved it by not having faith in the man for hiring an old friend. Well handled Ari. It is a good feeling to know that Ari is still up to his same tyrant outrageous comments that fuel the comedy of this well thought out show. Ari then insults Lloyd (after he threatens to quit to work for his father if Ari does not give him a promotion). Ari replies, "Have fun at the dry cleaners." I waited for the very moment Ari would make an insensitive ethnicity comment towards Lloyd. Now my summer is complete. Once again, thank you Ari Gold for all the laughs. I still remember when you asked the Mexican valet guy at your old agency to get your f*cking car por favor because half of Mexico is eating off your pesos. It talks a true @sshole to do what you do and I hope to one day surpass your place in the @sshole Hall of Fame.

Our boy Vince is growing up. He has decided to get his f*cking drivers lincense. My guess is to bang chicks in his ride, which he did later in the episode. While taking the driving test, he hit several cones, and still managed to get his license....... one word Gangsta. The other Chase brother, Drama has not changed; he is still soaking in his TV show glory and adding nothing but pure comedy to the show.

Turtle definitely has all the swag. This dude is banging the hottest chick on the show. Who would have thought that Turtle would have found a chick that enjoyed getting high all the time and might I mention any dude in the world would want to bang her, including Panzy Lloyd. Turtle, I truly commend you on this one. Don't f*ck that sh*t up. Trust me you will regret it. I once had one of those type of chicks and tried to f*ck her sister. I later ended up on the blacklist for all the females in that particular family. The "f*cking Kardashians" have like some sisterhood code. Who knew?

Ladies and Gentlemen, this season of Entourage looks promising. Vince is on the brink of gaining his status as one of the best in hollywood, Turtle has truly gained swagger, and Ari has continued to give viewers the best insults known to man. HBO you have done a good thing by bringing back this show for another season.

-Uncle Booze

The Chick on My Mind...Hailey Clauson No!!!!!

This is some shit right here people. I usually don't rock the waif model chick look, but this chick is here for a reason. Our friend Hailey here is a Special Announcement, no better yet a Breaking News Bulletin. The reason you ask is because she is the perfect example of how a dude gets hit with the Stach charge. Yeah I'm talking our Friend right here is a Statutory Rape charge waiting to happen. Now don't look at me funny and ask why, because I'll tell you why ole girl is 14.
Yes 14 To Catch A Predator, sit your ass down my name is Chris Hansen with Datelin NBC kind of chick. I swear Iw as just doing my normal research in the model data base of chicks that might make the Sunday show and this came up. I started looking and then I started reading and then dude who posted the pics said 4 years can't happen quickly enough. I said what four years for what dudes balls to drop, because certainley no man is plotting four years for 18 and no chick is looking like this at 14. Boy was I wrong.

Seriously this shit has to stop people I may be a cretin to some a bastard to others, and a long line of other things too many, but I draw a line right here. I say to the modeling world no more, you can snatch these chicks up at 16 (really 18+) and groom them, but 14 is too young. Seriously think about all the strange shit that happens to models as they get in the business. If even one fourth of the things I've seen and heard about happened to Hailey 16 dudes are looking at the big house. From now on I'm checking Ids on these young hoes, because the pen and the Scarlet C and M are not for ya boy.

This is the first time I have actually felt dirty talking about a female in my life and I have done some wild shit in my day so we all Know this is a time for concern. I'm going to wash this filth off me i advise you to do the same.

-S. Beamin

"Vaage" Kick

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Hooters Girls Have Skills

I have always been a person that went to Hooters for the wings, but today I will only go to Hooters for the Hooters' girl barstool trick. Look below and enjoy. When I saw this, I immediately thought I got something she can spin around on. I know I sounded like an old man, but she really can. I kid you not. Like seriously. You wouldn't?

-Uncle Booze

The Twerk Team is Back Thanks to Trav

I woke this morning smelling like Toronto, and too my surprise my phone already had 12 text messages. None of them really mattered except two, but the one that pertains to you guys said "Twerk Team got a new video performing that birthday sex. That shyt a beast. That's all it took and your boy was on the job. Lets hit em with the solo by Lady Luscious first...
No doubt that was 50 seconds of pure fire, but that's not it you know I got more for your Twerk Team lovin asses. Like Captain Planet and the Planeteers, by your powers combined I give you...

Damn and they still taking bookings so you boys better get on it, you know I am! I liked that fold in around the 4 minute mark, but ladies less talking more dancing in the future.

- S. Beamin