The Chick on My Mind...A Whole Bunch of Them

The last few weeks i've been busy so I couldn't keep you up to date on all the chicks who have been running through my head. I also have been actually contemplating real life chick situations that have been plaguing your boy. I know your supposed to complain on your blog, but I don't so fuck it. If you do run into a real chick down chick though let me know. Lets get to the matter at hand the chicks running through my mind, and let me tell you there have been a ton of them so as your benevolent leader i've decided to give you a taste of what's going on. There is a smattering of different ladies from all walks of life and all types of different carreer choices are covered here. So without further ado here we go.

The first chick on the list is Kathryn Morris of Cold Case fame. I don't know what it is but the fact that she's paler than death just does it for your captain. I mean this girl is damn near translucent, I think I would end up calling her ghost when we hit the sheets. If you had white sheets and she closed her eyes and mouth she would disappear, but when you turned the lights out she would probably glow. Im glad to see her doing some sexy shit even if it is all the way in Europe. If she got with me we would have those flicks done right here in the states.

Next on the list is Jill Marie Jones and without a doubt it's all about those lips. Do you see those soup coolers, man im sure they could warm up my beast just as well as she cools that soup. Our girl Jill here also used to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so yeah there are pictures of her out there strutting around in those white boots. From what I can tell she's currently unemployed so she can dig that old uni out and come by my house. Im pretty sure I would have her cheering before and after our little game of dress up.

I've been promising myself I would do a post on this chick ever since she graced my Plasma as part of Californication. You shouldn't even have to ask the reason just look at those tits I mean my God, I usually don't use the term rack but look at that rack. The best part is that she got naked on the show and was excited about it, not only that she did it while working the pole. Yep that's right she played a student stripping her way throgh college, come on you gotta love it. If she ever wanted to tone up those arms she could use me for a shake weight.

The next chick on the list is Maria Ozawa and yes she does adult films. Maria is a wonderful combination of Japanese and French Canadian, I never knew how that would turn out, but the answer is good. You know what I don't even hold it against her that she sucks dicks for a living we wont ever get married but fuck and go out on the low yes. I'll be honest I've seen the girl in action and some of the noises she makes will get a deaf man hard. Hey she's pretty face in a ugly industry but atleast we get to see her naked at the click of a button.

Now we come to the one and only Grace Park of Battle Star Galactica and The Cleaner fame. I've never seen battle star mainly because im not a nerd, but I did enjoy her work on the cleaner. I say did because both of those shows have been canceled making Grace the second unemployed woman on my list. I don't know what skills she has other than looking hot and acting but she can find work at my house. I know for sure one job she could for me about 4 times a day. I think the best option is for here to just come over and apply.

The final chick is just a sneak peek of what we have coming up this week in the form of the Victoria Secret Fashion show. Sweet Candice her comes to us from South Africa so for techinical purposesshe is African and if she lived here a African American. I know there are a bunch of fine black women in South Africa and so far the only white ones i've seen are Candice and Charlize Theron so the signs bode well. In any case I might not make it out there for the world cup, but i'll be out there soon with a 100 pack of Trojans. Yeah a ton of condoms 1 because im pretty sure alot of them have that Batman Forever (AIDS) and I can't have no real African kids.

Next week we'll be back to regular rotation and no T Redd I didn't forget you because as you can see next week belongs to Freida Pinto. Yes the first Indian chick i've done a post for and the only reason Slum Dog Millionaire is still on my DVR.

- S. Beamin
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The New Axis of Evil

Thanks to the Bush administration we have a new phrase in our vernacular "Axis of Evil" now while most people look at anyone involved in an axis with disgust and contempt I see it another way. The Axis is simply a group of people that are hated by the masses because they decide to stretch the bounds of what is acceptable to those in the norm. The "Axis of Evil" as we once knew it consisted of three countries that dared to spit in the face of the worlds last great super power. It is simply three countries that were thrown together without any formal agreement Iraq, Iran and North Korea. While things have not worked out so swimmingly for that "Axis of Evil" the new one looks to break the rules of conformity in a brand new way. Who makes up this new Axis you say, well that answer is easy Spencer Pratt, Scott of "Keeping up with the Kardashians" fame and your fearless leader S. Beamin.

The first step to create a Axis of course is for someone to present the idea that these three are somewhat related in their mindset and way of doing things. So lets go to the source the person who made this connections, that person would of course be my friend C. Maki. For some unknown reason one day while watching that sham of a Tv special known as the Kardashian Wedding special she had an Idea. That idea was that S. Beamin and Scott were similar personalities. While I disagreed at first the idea was soon co-signed by her friend Mia aka My Future Baby Momma. It was something to do with or overwhelming confidence and high opinion of ourselves The problem was there was only two, but then in the following week the third member was found by Ms. Maki the one and only Spencer Pratt.

Looking at the original Axis lets see how these three fit into our world spectrum. In this Axis Spencer represents Iraq as he is the member with the longest standing as a source of infamy. Spencer has been in-battled with a long time nemesis in the form of Lauren Conrad, but like Iraq he survived the first skirmish and even won some of the spoils in the form of his lovely wife Heidi Montag. Currently like Iraq he is embattled in a new battle with the woman he married as she tries to force a child upon him. Will he win only time will tell.

Scott on the other hand represents Iran a country long looked at with contempt by the world yet just powerful enough to keep them at arms length. Like Iran and Iraq Spencer and Scott live in a similar vacinty, but held no alliance until now. Scott showed up sporadically in years past as simply the modern day incarnation of all those 80's teen movie villains. He seemed to always get the girl that others didn't think he deserved, he was the kind of guy who wormed his way into your life as a seemingly kind hearted fellow. That is until you got to know him when he soon started to exude confidence that others saw as cockiness. He might seem slightly swarmy or smarmy to some, but now like Iran he has a ace in the hole. While Iran may potentially hold a nuke, Scott has knocked up a Kardashian the simplest way in the world to seal yourself into a family.

The third member of the axis is yours truly S. Beamin who takes the mantle of North Korea. Why North Korea, because Im unpredictable. As the only person not connected to a significant other I am isolated much like North Korea. What does that mean, simply it means I can pop up anywhere and drop a bomb just like North Korea. You think Im taking a break from creating trouble I test a nuke just like North Korea. I also have an utter disregard for any kind of authority other than my own. Im simply a taller, better looking, and dressing version of Kim Jong Il. If i don't like something i simply destroy it, if i want something I simply go out and take it and like Kim the first time I played golf I shot -20. I'm simply the worlds Wild Card so crazy that the word unpredictable doesn't do me justice.

So yes world we are here, the new "Axis of Evil" we aim for world domination and to succeed where the original one failed. We will be in your lives and homes forever and we will make you conform to our will. So when you wake up in a cold sweat wondering what has happened to your world thank C. Maki, because without her the greatness that are these three individuals may never have come together to form the new "Axis of Evil".

- S. Beamin
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Cult of Cartman.....1

A Chick Personal.......My Reply

Question of the day! - w4m - 22 (Kenmore)

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Date: 2009-10-02, 9:39PM CDT

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Is it clouds in the sky or is it smog? I hate to be that way but its like 22 degrees and yucky. And is it just me or does it seem like the city is getting dirtier and dirtier every single year? Of course, I think I complain about this every year and I never move away. Oh, well. If your not doing anything today would you like to have a drink or something?

• Location: Kenmore all rolled
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1403876218

My response:

If its you asking, its smog. If its you the city is getting very dirty in a very bad way. Dirty like a fat chick tring to keep her vaage from smelling like fish. It doesn't happen much. One time, I was at a party and went to take a piss after a fat chick and it was the worst smell ever experienced by my nose to this day. The smell reminded me of a dead person and a skunk had a baby. The baby would be called sh*t head.

Sigh.........

Being S. Beamin

You see that was Don Draper who is pretty much a 1960's version of S. Beamin. I know most of you want to know how to be S. Beamin so i'll tell you how to do it in four impossible steps, because you can never be as great as me, but being a pale imitation should suffice for your time on this earth.

1. Realize you are better than 99% of the people in the world.
Seriously if you were as amazing as me you would simply want to cry every morning when you realize you have to share the same air as some of the cretins. The only way to get through the day is to focus on the few people that can actually hold a candle to your greatness. The important thing is to befriend them for two totally different reasons, you befriend other men to gain their trust and then use their weakness to crush them. There is no real need to have any real competition in the world so destroying their self esteem should suffice. Women on the other hand you should befriend for the purposes of pro creation, if you are any where near as amazing as I am it is your God given duty to help create more beings with your DNA. Half of me is better than all of anyone else.

2. Be amazing at everything you do, and make it look effortless.
Some people in the world have trouble with things if you're anything like S. Beamin you don't. Never has there been a day in the life of S. Beamin that a situation has arose that I could not handle with ease. Im a modern day Super Hero it seems like no matter what the world throws at me I am the actual Teflon Don. Oh and if something were to ever happen that was in the least bit precarious there is no doubt I could slip my way out of it so is the life of S. Beamin

3. Be ahead of the curve on everything.
When I say everything I mean everything if you need to know the order of this years upcoming draft call me. If you need to know where the hottest vacation spot is you call me. The best bar in the city you call me, the best club you call me and guess what I don't even go to clubs. You know the fall collections from your favorite fashion houses I know their muses and where they got their direction from. The latest restaurants, shoes, and hot chicks on the scene you call me. And if you think of any other questions you can call me.

4. Be the opposite of who you really are, because you are no where near being S. Beamin
I should really apologize to you because I gave you the false hope that you could actually be like me. The sad fact of the matter is that you can't even become that pale imitation of me we talked about earlier. There is only one person who could hope to ever be as amazing as me and that will be a tough task for the "6th". So when you see me just bask in the glory that is S. Beamin, please don't think that i'll rub off on you because it would make me sick to even touch you.

- S. Beamin
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C*nt of the Week #1

Damn man. You get robbed like every year and then the public know you are broke. Some life you lived. You have made over 55 million net without saving sh*t; you my friend are an idiot. Not just any idiot but a motherf*cking idiot that needed to get a real f*cking education.

The sad thing was you just won a ring a year ago. A NBA title ring. You are officially a cunt beyond belief. Antoine Walker you are is indicative of your 1st name......black uneducated and your resume will get overlooked based off your name. It is like when you apply for a job and on the top of your resume the following names show up:

- some black sh*t I can't spell because it doesn't exist in the English language

- some Mexican sh*t that belongs in Texas. Honestly it's your country too

- some Asian sh*t that takes like a million sticks to make a word


People the list can go on. My ignorance can continue to the point of supreme ignorrance, but I am trying to keep my blog.

The reality of the situation you have officially added to the Americans that have loss everything do to pure ignorance.

-Uncle Booze