Halloween....Costume

Tonight is going to be epic. Yes.....I have decided to get it in. No one will know who I am, thanks to my costume. If you are wondering what I am going as, you will never guess. So I have decided to let you know. I am going as a SLAVE,. Not just any SLAVE. An educated house slave. I know that you think it may or may not be offensive, but who cares what you think. Kunta...is my name.

I went to the thrift store, got an old shirt cut it up to make whip makes visible on my back, and made chains with paper. not just any paper. Printer paper. F*ck that going green sh*t. O will be long gone before I even experience the effects of me being a savage to the Earth.

I will keep you posted about my journey and may even decide to pick a less offensive character like a Pimp, maybe even Osama, or a member of the KKK. I think I will go as a CRACKHEAD. Whatever I decide, I will ensure I am in character the whole night or else it wouldn't be worth it.

My drink of choice will be no other than HOLY WATER. Not from a church, but a mixture of every VODKA and Mexican Voodoo Tequila known to man. My mission people is to Piss on some random chick and get her to scream that she wants more. I'm no R. Kelly, but thats like the worst sh*t I can think of right now. It's even more disrespectful than f*cking one chick one hour then going to the next door and f*ck her mother.

Until the party get started.....I am mobile blogging tonight so disregard the grammar because in a few hours my brain is going to actually shut down due to the my blood thinning from high alcohol consumption.

-Uncle Booze

Straight No Chaser

Sometimes your boy S Beamin decides to make the weekend special, and by special i mean I get trashed. Well last Thursday I decided to make it a Straight No Chaser weekend, it was so viscous that I can only write about it now. The sickest part is I just started to piece together what went down. So the best thing to do is start from the beginning which was Friday at lunch, being S DOt a weekend like this has to fueled by some fire ass liquor. My choice was of course Belvedere IX. As I told yall earlier that IX be hittin, because it's 100 proof give. With the bottle in hand I went down the road of no return. I of course had to grab 24 buds to make sure I could do white trash saturday right. So Friday was a normal fun nights with fam as my Aunt from San Antonio who also likes the drink.

Saturday I woke up grabbed the Snuggie took a swig of the beer on the floor and the bottle of IX and tried to remember what happened the night before. I grabbed another beer and a few text and my day was planned. Step 1 kill 8 brews done with the ease, step 2 go to Gucci and get some new shades. This also happened without incident other than I got the last pair of glasses and old Slim Thug looking dude was pissed. On second thought that might have been Slim. So step 3 I had to meet up with my Boy Wise for Zieg Fest. Me being me I thought Zeig Fest was a beer carnival like Beer Fest in Tally where you go around drinking for free after cover charge, boy was I wrong.

The first thing that told me I fucked up was when Wise said he was waiting on his boys to pick up beer, why would they need beer at a beer fest? I said fuck it so we all jump in the 4 door family ride and start smashing road beers, next clue I had fucked up is when we pulled into Specs liquor. This is when I found out that I was headed to a country music festival, AWWWWW FUCK ME! Now I gotta get drunk so we all by Travelers of liquor to sneak in, being an asshole I get the big bottle so I can get at it.

When we get to the fest I found out it's hide liquor time now im about 16 beers deep so I've got no boot to stick booze in so down the front of my pants it goes. I know look like my dick has the most girth ever, but fuck it lets go.
Once inside I get more beer, I get more drunk and run into a chick I used to know from high school. I was a dick to this chick all through school, but now she's lookin aight so I setup the next weekend get together and im off. As per usual I slam the whiskey sharing with one of her friends and get loaded. After Zieg we get more drunk and I pass out on the couch.

Now here is where it gets bad I on Sunday it was tailgating time so on three hours of sleep I grab a 24 Wise grabs another 24 and we all head to the game. I proceed to get hammered on the light rail, I then get hammered at the tailgate next to the whole roasted pig, and continue drinking at the game. Supposedly the game was good, but I drank blacked out, and then passed out. I got out of the stadium and now I don't remember shit. Supposedly I stumbled around Wise's apartment building until security found me passed out in from of a door. I told him I was headed home, he took my keys and phone and called my DAD. I woke up on a couch parents there dragging me up three flights of stairs.

The next thing I know I wake up at my house with a beer in my hand and 4 hours until work starts. I of course make it to work hungover all to hell. My boss proceeds to make fun of me and tell me to lay low which I did. Three days later we all laughed about it and now im writing this. So tomorrow I have a devils night party, and then a kegger on Halloween. So it's high school chick friday, then Wise, crew, high school chick (again) and her crew. This is the life I live people it gets no better.

- S. Beamin
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On Demand Has Commercials WTF.

I watch on demand because I don't have real time to watch shows when they air. I owe it to my job and sh*t. Being a young professional is hard....sigh. However, I was watching South Park, on demand, and all of a sudden a f*cking commercial comes on. I do not want to see that sh*t. Comcast is taking this making many sh*t too seriously. Honestly, the only reason most people watch on demand is to avoid the commercials. If I wanted to see commercials, I would watch normal cable and sh*t. I know my boy S. Beamin hates commercial, but this is getting ridiculous.

Honestly, I feel that Comcast is cheating me. It kind of like when you order a message at one of those Asian spots and ask for the happy ending......while in the act of the happy ending she only lets you put it in half-way and refuses to polish the door knob. That's how cheated I feel at this moment and time. Comcast you have fooled me this time and you will not get me again.

-Uncle Booze

Ramen Noodles AKA Titty Boy Crack

You know how some videos start off at a 2 and raise to a ten well this shit started at 7 and got to about a 23. First off this shit has no intro it's all killer no filler. Lets start from the beginning where Titty boy as he will be known from here on out wants his cousin to get away from his noodles. Will you let his noodle go, will you? Hell naw and thats when Titty boy explodes, because he swears those are his noodles. He put that shit on everything including his Grandmama and his Grandaddy grave.
Now i've had Ramen noodles and them shits have never been that serious. You know those things go for a dime a piece on the regular. I even found them 2 for a penny one day. Do you understand how cheap that is, if I decided to get one pack of 1/2 penny noodles all hell would break lose. I'm going to do that shit and be like I need change for this penny.
I also liked how Titty boy then went Super Saiyan on the women in the house and started calling them bitches. Yeah they some bitches for letting his cousin steal them damn noodles. I liked that he couldn't keep his composure and started breaking down early. That shows you the real bitch that lies within Titty boy. To top it off his cousin goes in on him for being fat and a thief. Once again people this was all over some Ramen fucking noodles or as his cousin said "Dez here Ramen Noodles Baby!". Coonery at it's finest Coonery at it's finest.

- S. Beamin
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Second Job...Denied

I got inspired by that show on HBO....Bored To Death......to teach people the way of booze. Apparently, the world isn't ready to learn my ways because my ad on Craigslist, in the job wanted section, was removed. I posted my resume and the sh*t got taken down real quick. Like a matter of an hour or two. It pisses my off because "professional entertainers"/ "I'm really am a hooker, not an escort" get to put ads, but a local drunk cannot. WTF.

flagged & removed: 1425965540 (resumes) Drunk For Hire.....Seriously

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Title: (resumes) Drunk For Hire.....Seriously

I am a local drunk that loves to have a good time and willing to help you drink your booze. I want to get paid for my antics and philosophies on life. I seriously thought that putting myself on Craigs List would open up new opportunities for me in life that consist of the following:

- Drinking booze to the point of no return; I don't want to feel my face.

- Meeting hot chicks that put out. Normally, I wouldn't put this because it sounds bad, but we are all adults here. I have safe practices. I ask for their papers and strap up.

- Bar hopping. This is my favorite pass time and you should try it. I even initiated a world beer tour. I'm trying like every beer known to man thats served at bars.

- Passing out in bushes and getting found 2 days later.

- Losing my car for a period of like 2 weeks. I refuse to purchase lo-jac so sh*t happens. This seems to be consistent.

- Being the life of the party. This is my trademark. I can teach you the technique

- Supporting single mother's one dollar at a time (Strippers). I know its not a respectable profession, but to me its like a spa treatment for males.

- Pissing on like random stuff. This one time in college, I pissed on the hood of this chick's car because she deserved it. To this day, everyone reminds me of all the dumb sh*t I have done.

The above list is things I do on a regular basis and could show you the way. We all are on the earth for a brief period, so make the best of it. Being a drunk is fun and easy when you get the hang of it.

Serious offers only or whatever.

-Uncle Booze

www.uncleboozepresents.blogspot.com

The Chick on My Mind...... Ana Beatriz Barros

This week the chick on my mind happens to come from the land of carnival, soccer, and g-strings. Yes the the only BRIC country that is on everyones list of travel destinations, Brazil. By the way BRIC stands for Brazil, Russia, India, and China they're the upcoming nations that are trying to enter the class of world super powers. Enough with that and lets get to the chick the one the only Ana Beatriz Barros. Ana is simply one of those chicks you see and now there is something a little more there. She carries with her a hint of danger. In most peoples book she comes in at number three in the ranks of Brazilian super models, behind Adriana, and Alessandra.

You see with Adriana you get the clean, classy image of a young woman, while Alessandra seems fun and flirty. Ana has a edge to her that just captivates a the watcher. It really doesn't matter, because she's hot and in the real world that's all that should count. She seems to go through phases though for me for some reason she's not always model pretty, but she's always girlfriend pretty.
I used to have that picture on a t-shirt when I was younger, because I was in love with how it looked. To tell the truth I have to thank Ana for getting me laid. After getting ridiculously drunk one night me and my friends decided to combat out hangovers at Hooters. As we were leaving one of the Hooters girls asked me who was on my shirt. Me being S. Beamin I told her it was my ex who broke up with me the night before. In classic fashion she wanted to console, so I told her and her friend to come to the party I just made up. The night ended like most that include me and a chick in a hot tub so thanks Ana.
I've been a Ana fan for a while so that GQ cover you see up there has been at my crib forever, and the sick thing about it is it's English GQ. I have no idea why she gets no time in our GQ, but she's in the English version again so go check it out. I'll end this post with what can only be known as the trifecta or the greatest things to come out of Brazil including the soccer team.


- S. Beamin
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Traffic......SMH

Lately, I have been driving in some pretty rough traffic and Friday was the worst. It took me 2 hours to get home from work. I was literally moving at the speed when you take your foot of the brake without pressing the gas. So while in traffic I remembered that I had a huge bottle of Johnny Walker Black in my trunk from my surprise party from last weekend. What is booze to do?

I got out of my car, popped the trunk, and got my best friend Johnny Walker Black. I know drinking and driving is wrong, but do you call moving at the pace of a snell driving... you a sadly mistaken. While in the middle of the expressway, I took the bottle to the head. Other drivers looked at me like I was crazy, but for that break moment in time, I was in complete bliss.

More to come next week. I am back to win it.

-Uncle Booze

So Blackface is the Shit Again?

I guess I missed it but I guess the end of 2009 has decided that this is the year of the blackface. I usually dont get too serious on the blog, but I guess this shit kinda fucks me up. People are running around thinking this is just the shit to do like everybody just said black president blackface lets do it. No that shit is not how it goes that shit is not kosher with the Real World team. Lets see how this shit is going down.
Okay the Japanese are the lowest on the offensive meter. They either decide to tan way too much or use a darker shade of make up to fit in. For some odd reason these little shits think they are actually paying homage to black people. I liked Bruce Lee as much as the next guy but you didn't see me pulling my eyes back and getting a smaller cock. What they fail to realize is no black person would ever talk to them looking like that, but at least they went full body the commitment counts for something.
This shit shocked the fuck out of me, then I realized Mad Men was set in a time of racial insensitivity. You ever watch someone on TV and you hate them for some unknown reason? Yeah thats how I felt about Roger Sterling for two whole seasons of Mad Men, then he did that shit.

Yeah that confirmed dude was a piece of shit. He went straight up shoe polish to the face in front of all his friends and family at his engagement party. I think that mother fucker had a line in the song about the darkies being happy and gay. When Don Draper looked at him with contempt I was actually more of a Don fan then ever before. You know I used to like the dude because he kicked ass at life, fucked his hot wife, fucked hot chicks, and got away with it, but our mutual hatred of Roger sealed it. Eat shit and die fucker

In the last week there have been two international incidents involving blackface the first of which happened in Australia watch the video above. I guess it was the 20th anniversary of some gong show and they decided to bring back a Jackson 5 group. Well not that it wasn't bad enough to have a Jackson 5 parody group after Jacko's death these mother fuckers went all out. Yeah they decided black face was the shit to do. I guess no one told them that the shit was fucked up the first time they did it years ago. These fucks somehow are doctors in their country. Harry Connick Jr our boy from the South wasn't down with that shit, he let Australia know that shit wasn't where it's at.

The latest shit that actually got me going was this is blackface fashion forward shit. French Vogue, not Anna Wintour led American Vogue decided to rock 14 pages of blackface. I don't know who decided this was the shit OK actually I do, Carine Roitfeld. Carine has been the toast of the town for a few years as people try to find someone to replace Anna, but she aint going to well. I always thought the bitch was stylish but was seriously lacking in the face. An Lara Stone the model who did the shoot don't give me that im a model I do the job shit. Im not going to say the chick is not pretty, but she's not top five model status, come to think of it she's not even top 5 Dutch model status. I guess im the only one who feels this way as 60% of the people think the shit is artistic and fashion forward.
Fuck it guys the shit is what it is, all I want you to know is don't pull that shit within 50 feet of me. Ted Danson you thought I forgot about your ass, or the pass that Whoopi gave you counted. Naw homey that shit is still on when I see you im going to fire your ass up. You try to pay that shit back through appearances on Curb Your Enthusiasim and Damages, but it ain't cutting it. So Ted Danson and Roger Sterling get ready for ass whoopins, Carine Roitfeld, Lara Stone, and Japanese chicks get ready for me to stick it in your butt without asking. That's it bitches im out!

- S. Beamin
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January Jones Deserves it So She Gets it Early

Everyone knows that im a huge Mad Men fan I actually watched the first season before people started clamoring about how great it was. Yes your boy was out there early on this shit. To be honest there were two reasons I was on board and neither was Don Draper. One was blonde and the other was a red head, seeing as how the red head just got married i'll be respectful and hold off on here. On the other hand the blonde decided this was the week to push herself over the top. January Jones is stunning like seriously stunning. She makes me a black man want to go back to the civil rights era, just to get a chance at smashing Betty Draper. Im pretty sure my boy T Redd knows what im talking about. You know what no more talking just pictures, thanks GQ, January Jones, and our father Christ the Lord.







That's it im not going to be lewd or crude, but respectful. The reason is because she's a lady and for now that means respect. After a few beers though all that shit will go out the window, and the when in doubt whip it out method of attraction will come into play. Damn after a few back shots I might even have her ass plump like it should be.

- S. Beamin
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Pussy Vs. Penis Power

Over the Years there is certain shit that sticks with you and today i'll share one of those things with you. It comes in a form of a woman named Aleyxss K Tylor. Aleyxss was the first woman to articulate what I had been possessing my whole life, that would be Penis power. Seriously this chick gets so descriptive about the things that a man with Penis power can do to a woman it makes me die laughing. You heard the Camron bottom of the Pussy whole, yeah this chick is the one who came up with the shit.

One thing she does mention though is pussy power. It's one of those things that is truly a conundrum as pussy power is both great and terrible. If it is as good as it is made out to be you would seem to live life in a woman's lap with no need for life. The problem is that as a man you would no longer have what people refer to as balls. You would end up cuckold by a woman who would then more than likely embarrasse you. In a simple explanation you would for all essential purposes become a bitch. Now lets take a look at my all time favorite Alexyss clip.

Oh yes my man behind the camera said he would make her his bust it baby. Now I went to school in Florida so you could say some Goon shit to chicks, but any lady who has ever worn a proper dress ain't for that shit. You could see her realize he went there with her and the chick just snapped. The guest tried to put there two cents in and she wasn't tryin to hear that shit. Dude tried to run that Janet and Jermaine shit, but it was to late for all that. Alexyss fucked up though when she said come make me your bust it baby, dude got scared, on the other hand I would have fucked that shit up. She would have never got through all those posses, your boy would have been a blur, she would have been head down, ass up for the world to see. The Bust it baby clip would have turned into S. Beamin bust in Alexyss "Pussy Power" Tylor's face.

Bitch is crazy but ill hit her walls and work the middle so holla at ya boy if you want me to hit the bottom of your pussy hole.

- S. Beamin
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The Chick on MY Mind.....Dani Ramirez

This week the chick on my ind is a latina stunner. She has been on most peoples radar for a minute, but that's the reason im doing this post. I don't know how in the world almost three months passed in my life with little to know Dania Ramirez coverage. Seriously when this chick was on Heroes she was getting pub like no other. I mean she was on every red carpet from here to Sweden. Now that she's gone these fucks at Heroes want to have Hayden kiss a girl. Not to be mean to the chick she's kissing but that chick is only remotely attractive when naked and totally a waste of space when closed.
Do you know why I know Dania would have done a great job in that role, because the first time i saw her she was dikin out. Not only was she dikin out, but she was butt ass naked 50 percent of the time. Yeah i'm talking about She Hate Me. Seriously I think thats how all hot chicks should introduce themselves to the world naked and licking pussy. Seriously though either they come in like that or naked and sucking my dick. It seems like it's already the way to come into porn so regular acting shouldn't be a problem.
Oh and who's pussy was she licking in the movie Kerry Washington's. Yeah I know about 80% of yall are now no longer reading and have made the move to your local Best Buy, because no one rents or waits on Net Flix these days. Let me calm down and apologize for the use of the word pussy throughout the blog. I should have used cunt as it's a better overall word and it pisses people off.
Back to Dani she's about 29 now so I think I should fuck her before she turns thirty. Actually chicks get more intense with age and as anyone knows I fuck chicks of all ages. Lega Ages mind you no Polanski over here folks, the man has been trying to get me and that shit aint gonna be the charge. Well what else can I say I like the tits, I like the ass, and I even like the face so I'm down if you are Dani, so hang up the phone.

- S. Beamin
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I Don't Want to Talk to You

As we've seen in other previous Im not a big fan of people and the people I hate the most are the ones who want to talk to me. Seriously unless you are a hot chick who equals dime status in the eyes of 9 out of 10 don't talk to me. I should really say those type of people shouldn't even look at me. There is nothing I hate more than a person just waiting for me and my friends to give them an opening to jump in. Oh and when those fuckers jump in it takes everything in my heart and sul not to rip there arm off and stuff it in there mouthes. What fucking asinine thought went through your head that made you think that was a good idea? Are you going to add something to the conversation. Or are you going to make new friends with your witty banter, that shit just ain't gonna happen.

The thing that pisses me off more than that is when I go to lunch on my solo and someone tries to strike up a conversation. Seriously this is my alone time, this is when I get my S. Beamin on nobody but me. Im trying get my thoughts together and you're over there glaring from your table waiting. Me im thinking what the fuck is this little fucker waiting for does he want to go, because we can go, That's never what happens though it's always some loser who wants to start a fifteen minute discussion. I don't have fifteen minutes for most people I know let alone you asshole.

All Im saying is leave me and other people like me the fuck alone. I don't want any new friends, because to be honest i don't want most of the friends I have now. You wont become my new best friend no matter how hard you try. Remember though if you're a hot chick that nothing I said in the above blog applies to you. And for those of you that say Beamin what about when you approach women at the bar, bookstore or some random location? Do you know what I say those ladies want it, because a real man known as S. Beamin just walked into their lives.

- S. Beamin
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the insane rain

People we can all relate to how our uncontrollable foe the rain sneaks up on us and pour down like syrup in a food fetish porn. Well, this morning the semi unimaginable happened. I am casually walking with my umbrella to the train station when the wind decided to switch its direction of travel without proper approval from the local weather man.

I immediately found myself stuggling to save my prize umbrella and more important my business casual attire as I headed into the office. Before I knew it, I was wet beyond the point of no return and walking head on into the worthy opponent. I must admit that I was losing the battle, but I didn't get discouraged. I briskly walked to the train station as gush after gush of liquid from the sky hit my finely ironed pants drip by drip.

You would be pleased to know that I finally made it to the train station and caught a train just by the hair on my "chinny chin chin". To my disappointment, I am reminded of my battle this morning as my elbows rest on my pants to write this post and the water makes it way to my skin. Such an uncomfortable feeling.


-Uncle Booze

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

It's Not Just You I Hate People in General

The other day me and a friend were chilling with someone I had recently become acquainted with. Well as things go we were having a conversation and I said something insensitive. She said it was actually racially insensitive, maybe even borderline racist. Before I could rip her arm off and feed it to her size two ass and inform her that I was going to stick it in her ass tonight without telling her, our friend jumped in. He quickly explained that S Dot doesn't hate certain people he hates all people.

You see this is the fact of being S. Beamin I hate all people except the ones I like. That means if I don't know you I automatically dislike you, and if you're not nearly perfect on first inspection I officially hate you. You see I don't hate white people, because they smell like wet dogs I hate them because they're other people. I don't hate the white man because he stole the Indians land and enslaved my people I hate him off GP.

I don't hate Indians or the Redman, because they huff spray paint and drink more than a local whino. I don't hate them because they were too weak to look and see the deception that was behind the pale mans promises. I mean I don't even hate the dot Indians for eating curry, smelling like curry, bathing in curry, and painting there walls in Curry. I hate them for who they are.

Do you think I don't like Asians, because they can't drive no. Do you think I hate them because they they're all small and refuse to speak english when surrounded by there own kind, nope. I hate them for who they are another person that has failed to reach the standards that I have set forth. People think I hate Jews it's not true they may have hook noses and be stingy little fucks, but that's not my problem. I don't like them, because they don't fall in line with a vision I have for people I like.

My friend Thomas was under the impression for years that I didn't like Mexican once again wrong. Who else would mow my lawn and clean my house? Who else would keep Dickies in business, and sell fruit on the side of the highway. No one that's who. So don't think your friend and leader is racist no I have a blanket dislike for everyone who doesn't fit in. No matter what creed or color you may be you can be loved by me or hated by me. Hey people take it or leave it I just thought you should know.

- S. Beamin

Morning Train Ride

I am sitting down minding my own business, then all of a sudden a woman with a contraption that carries a baby around on wheels hits me. I am like damn woman can I get an excuse me (all in my head). Nope nothing, she looks like she is in her late 30s but that aging could be the effects of the harsh drug filled life she started at the tender age of 14.

Honestly, I am starting to believe some individual are missing the part of the brain that develop manners. I may not be the nicest douche bag in the world but the words excuse me exist in my vocabulary. For instance, I accidentally ejaculate on a chicks face; I would kindly say excuse me. But this lady had no inclination to say excuse me.

This just in, we have a crusader for the Nation of Islam preaching about Frad Muhhamed (I personally could give two shits how to spell it) and fishing for souls. I understand that they are trying to help the other social class beneath me, but I didn't pay to ride the train to hear this shit in the morning.

FYI I know the chick next to me whole story. Like how she just missed the aids virus and how her baby daddy get out the pin next year. I am happy for her.

People this is what I deal with on a daily basis. It's a pleasure to take you along for the ride.I am just an asshole trying to get a piece of the American dream without being bothered. But no that would be too perfect. Besides I enjoy the entertainment.

-Uncle Booze

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Tales of Chivas the Return

The return of Chivas comes with a tale of a mistake that was almost made twice, one that should have never been made once. You see our dastardly protagonist had been a part of this story once before and had promised never to do it again. Chivas during his time in College lived in a few scum bag areas as well as some well established family venues. In one of these venues Chivas became involved with what at that time was the latest hot shit a Cougar. Well this Cougar was married with a child which led to issues that Chivas swore would never rear there head again. That's where the rule came in nothing serious with chicks with kids.

Years later Chivas allowed his old habits to almost bite him in the ass. After a night of drinking with some new friends, who introduced him to some of there friends. Of those friends two of them were attractive young females one named Janet and the other was Rachel.In terms of looks Rachel was banging right now, while Janet looked like she had potential if a few lbs were dropped. Chivas through I night of drinking and conversing he found out the reason for those extra lbs. Janet had recently had a child months ago in fact. Rachel on the other hand was child free, but was not giving Chivas the attention he thought he rightly deserved. He found out through flirting that Rachel and Janet had totally different taste in men. Chivas was Janet's type while Rachel would more than likely pass. Chivas being Chivas decided to take the bird in hand and bag up Janet.

Chivas was soon able to rap up the night by setting a date for next week with Janet giving her his number as to not be locked into anything. A strange thing happened though when Rachel came over to ask for directions to the nearest burger shack. Chivas rocking a GPS started to type it in until she stopped him, and whispered she was just using that as an excuse to talk to him. She said she was feeling Chivas and that she just didn't want Janet to know. So as she brushed his crotch and dropped her number on the seat it was on.

Chivas decided to keep it moving though as he had a huge day coming up on the morning. A week passed with light text flirting between Chivas and Janet, but nothing with Rachel. Date night finally arrived and Chivas decided that he couldn't break the rule and bang out a mom especially a new one. So through slight of hand and a silver tongue Chivas convinced Janet to break the date. Not only did he get her to break the date, but she also promised to lose some weight for the boy Chivas. Then Chivas set into motion his real plan with a quick call to Rachel. To no ones surprise she was on it and with a few drinks and a hot tub the deal was sealed. Another win for our boy Chivas in this game of life, one chick bagged and another tagged.

- S. Beamin
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I Just Can't Win

This weekend consisted of a series of unfortunate events. It all started when my cousin T Foolery called me and informed me that we needed to head to this house warming slash party. This is when things took a turn for the worst. I headed to the event with a full flask of some shit I had left over from the previous weekend.

As I entered the place, good ole foolery pulled out the biggest bottle of Patron and insisted that the party get started correctly. I didn't have any regrets to starting the evening with a mission to get completely wasted. And I might add I got too wasted. You will be ashamed to find out why.......

A few shots and a game of beer pong later, some chick pushed me for calling her superficial. I didn't think there was anything wrong with my comment as I then called her an angry little person for no reason. I personally hate negativity and negative cunt chicks. I hereby deem her, the official spokes person of the mid west cunt club.

The rest of the evening went over smoothly until I fell asleep at a light around 4:39 am Sunday. I woke up to 4 cops banging on my window yelling for me to get out of the car. In my pocket, resided a flask full of Patron and that was the least of my worries.

The cops and I chilled and talked about life as others from Their crew showed up to question me. The most embarresing thing was some chick cop had to park my car for me. Somehow I managed to tell the cops that I only had one brew and just was a little tired. The story was completely unbelievable. I reeked of booze. An assortment of booze. If they wanted to catcher the essence of the smell of booze, all the perfume industry had to do was use me as a specimen.

I called everyone in my phone as the cold air attacked my lungs. Finally, I got into contact with my uncle. He came and got me. I got off easy.....which seemed to be the sentiments of every police officer waiting with me as my fearless uncle traveled to get me.

Man was I happy until the next day I got pulled over for talking on my cell phone. I just can't win.

-Uncle Booze

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

The Chick on MY Mind.....Nicki Minja

I'm back on my Sunday Chick shit so lets get started. You ever see a chick that you would go and straight lay your A+ game on, but when she opens her mouth it destroys all expectations, that was Nicki Minja. That baby talk shit used to totally destroy every thought I had about destroying that ass. Something changed though this week I realized it wasn't the voice that was killing me it was that slutty persona. That I wish I was Lil Kim shit that totally made a classy looking for pristine pussy dude like me shake my head in disgust. Well this week that all changed for ya boy S Dot.
You see that is the picture of Nicki I had in my mine yeah that Coochie looks fat, but damn how do you take that home for dinner, better yet how do you even walk through the mall with that on your arm. That chick up there is one you bang in the storage closet at work or with her best friend in the bathroom ,word to Cancun. That chick just doesn't work out in the long term plans of S dot Beamin.
Then came the new Nicki the Nicki I heard on that new Bed Rock shit shout out to Young Money. That Nicki was freaky but there was something new about her. So you know your boy hit his Google Reader and to my surprise there was a new Nicki photo shoot. Your boy was like damn now here we go. That's what i'm looking for some real shit that I can deal with.

You see this shit I can get up on. I know you hit the Google image search and you can still find the old shit, but we all make mistakes. The new Nicki can say shit like she wanna put her pussy on my sideburns. I don't know if that is physically possible but damn after she gets down on my dick I'd let a chick like her try.
So Nicki you're on the right track I need you to keep it up. I know your never going to roll Paula Patton style, but I don't need all that from you. I don't wanna her anymore rumors of you fucking Industry Niggas, no more pussy spread photo shoots keep it classy Nicki and you can have a premier spot on the S. Beamin squad.
Yeah Nicki that's where I'll be finishing!

- S. Beamin
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Is It Really Rape Rape?

Well your boy is back after what we will call a hiatus. Only a few things could have peaked my interest to roll back to this forum of simple minded people reading the thoughts of an elevated being such as my self. Enough with the pleasantries and kind words lets get to the matter at hand. Yeah we are talking about that boy Roman.

Roman Polanski supposedly is a award winning director and creator of cinematic art. First and foremost I like a artsy independent movie as much as the next man, but have you seen a Polanski film. Them shits are over the top pieces of shit that were created to win Oscars and guess what the Academy falls for it and sucks his dick every few years. You see his Dick is the thing that seems to have gotten this little Jew in trouble. Yeah my man got charged with Statutory Rape back in the day and said fuck court I'm going to France. That's some shit they would never let a black dude hit up a plane to Paris if he raped a 13 year old white girl.
Yeah my man didn't get caught with a 16 year old like most of the statutory rape dudes out there he went for 13. Seriously between me and you 16 is oops I fucked up statutory rape, 13 is a pedophile. If you have sex with a 13 year old girl you like kids so Roman you are a pedophile. She doesn't want to press charges because that shit happened years ago, but dude you fucked up. Your rich ass friends are down with saving you, but will they let you watch there kids fuck no. Oh and I bet that nigga Jack Nicholson will never let you watch his crib again, fucking with kids in the hot tub. Jack had to fucking fill that shit in after your dumb ass. Have you seen a sexy 13 year old, because I haven't I know Chris Rock hasn't, have you?
Now I've seen a sexy as 16 year old, and that's where a problem lies. Whoopi said that the shit that happened wasn't rape rape. Well I think she might be right, in the levels of rape statutory rape is like development baseball. Most of the time a dude finds a chick who is hot, he gets in over his head, and her parents find out. That is the normal statutory rape scenario, something I can sympathize with, but don't condone. As a young black man in the suburbs I kept a go or no go card in my pocket, yeah I was straight up i'ding hoes. Have you ever seen a white father who knows a black man is dicking down his daughter that shit is pure rage.
I'm sorry that shit is hard to say no to, but you have to my friends. The truth is that 16 will get you 20 and during that 20 you will get ass raped. Which is like the All Star Game of rape, just so you know. Oh and once you get out of jail you get labeled a sex offender good luck getting a job with that on your record.
Hey that shit up there is my opinion I feel like there are levels to this shit and the facts are you need to take responsibility for your action. So dudes let that 16 year old blossom and learn to use them hips and lips before you try to bang it out. I'm telling you if it's good now those two years rarely kill the game you'll be ok.

- S. Beamin
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