The Ugly Chick in the Group...Don't Exist to Me

I hate the infamous awkward moment that happens when you have to be nice to the ugly chick in the group. She is the oddball that lacks my preferred physical attributes, swagger, and appears desperate. The whole time in the back of my mind I am thinking, "Damn, WTF happened to you? You look like two semi trucks ran over your face, then they voted to have the Daytona 500 on your face! Some life you live." However, when faced with these circumstances, I stand tall and simply ignore the ugly one. Why?

Yeah, most dude believes that you have to be nice to the ugly rat face chick to get to the good looking chicks in the group. Wrong on so many levels. Have you ever feed a stray animal? Once you feed them, they will always come to your door for more food. The ugly chick in a group will always come to you for attention once you give her a little. It does this in an attempt to mark its territory because it misread signs of you being nice. Not only do you have to juggle an ugly duckling following you around, but you have to continue being nice. Before you know it someone else has cashed in on the good looking chick you wanted and you are stuck with Whoopi Goldberg's little sister because you lacked the balls to say, " Piss Off." Some night, huh?

Listen.

The "ugly-chick-a-ramous" is an unique creature in this superficial world. It does not get the luxury of being treated nice based off looks, never gets the attention it thinks it deserves, and lives a life of severe clinical depression. When coming into contact with these creators, you must take extreme precaution not to alert its desperate attention seeking sense. Once activated, you have entered a point of no return. It would lock onto you like a hawk and attempt to pounce on its prey (you).....time after time. If you ever encounter one, ignore it and ignore it. It will get the point. Trust me.

-Uncle Booze

My New Manifesto

“This is it… this is where I belong…”

I know everyone here… even if I’ve never met them, never talked to them, may never hear from them again… I know you all…

You bet your @ss we’re all alike… we’ve been spoon-fed baby food at school when we hungered for steak… the bits of meat that you did let slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We’ve been dominated by sadists, or ignored by the apathetic. The few that had something to teach found us will-

ing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the desert.

This is our world now… the world of the individual and the choice, the beauty of the baud. We explore… and you call us weaklings. We seek after knowledge… and you call us weaklings. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias… and you call us weaklings.

You create disease, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, create illusions and lie to us and try to make us believe it’s for our own good, yet we’re the weaklings.

Yes, I am a weakling. My weakness is that of creativity. My weakness is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like. My weakness is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me

for.

I am a FALSETTO, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this individual, but you can’t stop us all… after all, we’re all alike.

-THE FALSE MANIFESTO

From the people who make the only tee I wear with pride!!

FALSE Clothing

- S. Beamin

This is Some Dumb Shit Right Here

This is some of the dumbest shit I have seen in a minute people, and with the way I live that's saying something. What could prompt me to say something like this, non other than the spectacular Jessica Alba. Is this because she some how wowed me with her extrodinary good looks no it's because she's a dumb ass. While going through my Google reader I stumbleded upon these pictures of Mrs. Alba vandalizing the streets of this great country of mine. Now I've done some plastering and sticker bombing in my time, but what she did is on another level.

What was she doing it for you ask, to try to save the Great White Shark. First and foremost something with the name great doesn't need saving bitch i'm pretty sure the mother fucker can handle it's own. Seriously you want to save the Great White Shark what some call the worlds greatest predator. I heard these dudes don't even sleep, they stay on the grind klling anything they see. Seriously think about it Jessica if you go "Into the Blue" again and come across a Great White he is going to eat you.

Jessica you're supposed to be a famous actress so i shouldn't need to remind you of this, but there was a little movie called Jaws. Yeah that big ass shark ate everybody then he tried to eat the boat, he wasn't endangered people were endangered. On a personal note when I was seven that mother fucker scared the shit out of me at Universal Studios. If Jaws 1 through 15 isn't enough how about you take a look at the movie "Deep Blue Sea" yeah whereyour shark friends got smart and killed Samuel L. Jackson and almost got LL. Yeah bitch that Dave Chappel shit with he ate me was from that.
That's it i'm heated enough already i'd like to thank Sole X Life for the pictures, and say while i feel bad for everyone else those inbreeders from the North known to some as Oklahoma desereved it. Oh and by the way Alba you need to choose to either be a criminal or a publicity whore, because criminals usually don't pose for pictures with their crimes.

Yeah you saw that that's what Great Whites do they fuck shit up, save him my ass! I bet that one armed surfer chick ain't runnin around talkin about save a shark!

-S. Beamin

You Tube Dump

Damn today was a hell of a day, I just finished Celebrating the life of the one and only Michael Jackson the King of POP. So now i'm rocking Dirty Diana in the background and watching You Tube flicks which can only brighten my day. The first is a remix of that classic Allen Iverson "Practice Press Conference.

I found this thanks to MIss Info and it was well worth it. It brought me back to all those days when Jim Rome would ask what are we talking about? Practice we talkin about practice! That will never not be funny to your boy, oh and they didn't stop with just AI they went to the NFL for the greatest hits. Yeah I'm taklin about PLAYOFFS and The Bears are who we thought they were. Twoof the best moments of just absolute insanity in front of the mike. Oh and lets not forget College Ball and the I'm a Man speech, yes your shrill screams do show me your a man. It ends with the famous I want to Kiss you, Struggling from Joe Namath in Autotune.

That shit you just watched has no place in this country it was a true WTF in a WTF world. Louisiana you let Hurricane Chris come into a government building where the people's business is supposed to be done a perform that Halle Berry. This boy can't perform Halle Berry at my 4th of July cookout, seriously people we need to have standards here. From now on I go to Louisiana to drink and gamble nothing else, come to think of it that's all i ever went there for.
The DVD the world has been waiting to see is finally here people yes the I hate that Cock Sucking Ho Karrine Steffans, Kiss and Tail. They really go in on this ho and i'm sure it only gets better in it's full form. Her now husband Eddie Winslow even goes in on this ho. You know you dirty when you have no backers even the dude who calls you his wife thinks your a slut. Dudes who aren't even famous don't like this chick or the simple fact that she brought this ho snitchin trend to the mainstream. I remember the days when a ho would never snitch for fear of the consequences. Damn people i need some shit to get me right now before I go into a rant.

Yeah boy that was my jam right there between that and Prince's Darling Nikki ya boy was set when I was coming up. I'm rocking the white shirt unbuttoned for the rest of the day, i'm going to even bring in my own wind machine too. Slash used to chop this up on the ax to so you know I was set. Here I'm ging to give you Nikki too just in case you missed this joint.


-S. Beamin

Real Life Bullshit

I usually don’t get into the real bullsh*t in my life, but I have a blog so here goes. This week some pieces of sh*t came into my house and robbed me. Yeah these f*cks came in through a window and f*cking came through my spot picking up random sh*t that they thought was of value. Seriously, these motherf*ckers are some of the dumbest criminals ever as they skipped some actually good sh*t as they moved through the crib.

These pieces of sh*t did end up taking my Louis Bags which pisses me off as I just got them back from being repaired. They also got my Monday Wednesday back pack, but I would like to thank them for leaving my notes so that I can flow easily through my classes for the rest of the summer.
Seriously, I know the number of people that actually get caught is low so I’m rolling with the true S. Beamin f*ck it attitude. But if I see some young punk rollin the streets with a Louis Bag humming Duffel Bag Boy, I will jump the curb and hit them with the Benz. Yeah *itch you heard me I’m putting the whip on the line and I swear to God you better pray to whatever thug you look up to that I don’t catch you slipping. I’ll know you when I see you and my people will too b*tch. You know if we don’t get you someone will, so a word of advice to you would be run b*tch and don’t look back. Yeah and it’s not that I’m pissed about the expensive sh*t you took, but I noticed this morning that you grabbed my Grandfather’s cufflinks. So now, I’m on this sh*t out of principle.

- S. Beamin

Real World Cancun: Don’t Drink The Water And Don’t Catch AIDS

So your fearless leader is here watching the brand new edition of the Real World, and I figure no matter what this has to be better than the Gay fest that was last season. First and foremost lets deal with the elephant in the room. They put them in Cancun which should lead to epic problems. I have some experience in Cancun and lets just say it’s wild and when I say wild I mean S Dot should not be alive. So the idea of spending more than a week in Cancun scares the sh*t out of me. Seriously, if you do it right by day seven of the trip you should be dying and day nine means someone carries you onto the plane. Simply put my last trip included a three way in a bathroom at a Flo Rida concert, a foreign Hooters hookup, a hot tub party in my suite (Presidente b*tch is how S. Beamin rolls), winning a porn contest and walking from the duty free store chugging a bottle of Jamison, so I didn’t puke. So weeks in Cancun should be intense for any normal person.

Lets get to the show and the people from the first look they all seem normal enough and MTV limited it to one gay dude, so I won’t need to avert my eyes every five minutes. When it comes to the chicks at the 16 minute point I would sleep with all the chicks, but none seem especially worthy of the S. Beamin full on press.

Lets get this promise piercing of Jonna’s out of the way first because that sh*t is dumb. People who actually get married take off their ring every 20 minutes, father of S. Beamin doesn’t even have a ring. You know the chicks with the promise rings in high school are the first ones to get railed, and they usually do anal with the caveat that it’s not real sex.

I’m also a fan of there being multiple Hooters chicks, but the best part so far is Joey. The dude is a punk and his goal for the first day was to be a @sshole off jump, which I can actually respect. Until he falls off way early on the first night. Then Bronne pukes on the other dude CJ with reckless abandon. The best part is he shakes it off like whatever this sh*t is on the daily.

The hotel they are staying at is pretty nice. I’ve actually been there, had a good time, and was quickly kicked out when I took it a step too far for the federalies liking. (Gay dude just rocked an electric blue bandana in the club super Pause). It gets pretty wild when Captain Pukes a lot and Major pussy out from the night before start making on a mother daughter team. The balls that go into that move actually redeem these two in my book. Joey actually gets the daughter back to the house and proceeds to knock that down. The sh*tty part is like every other season of the Real World. The chicks act like they are covert ops and pull a reconnaissance mission on Joey. No cock blocking so I guess no harm no foul.

CJ douches up the end of the episode by breaking up with his girl and then getting white man cornrows, which we have already talked about being the gayest thing ever. The rest of the season looks decent, so it looks like it can stay on the DVR schedule for a week longer. I have to repeat my favorite line of the night and the title of this post: Don’t Drink the Water and Don’t get AIDS, which is pretty much what my dad told me when he sent me to Cancun at 16 with a bag of condoms, lube, and my less than morally responsible Uncle.

- S. Beamin

My View of "The View"....Shoot Me Quick...

A few minutes ago, I was flipping through the channels trying to see what was on TV and BAMN. I landed on the ugliest looking chicks in the entire world. I immediately started to have reflexes in my stomach as if I was going to hurl. I kept hitting the channel button on the remote control trying to get as far away from that station as possible; so that their ugliness does not transmit to the other channels. FYI...I succeeded because Selma Blair never looked so good as a fire throwing hero ( in Hell Boy...get cultured please). WTF. Who gave these chicks a f*cking show in the middle of the day? I hereby designate this cast as the "Top Repulsive Maggot Traggots of TV" (excluding the cute blonde that looks like a MILF). I googled the show to get pics and the names of the cast to show you what I saw. Oh the horrors...............

One. Whoppi Goldberg look like Patrick Ewing/Stevie Wonder/Madusa/Kim Wayans put their genes together to make most hideous being to hit the big screen. If I ever saw her in person, I would pray for dear life because my eyes might go out on my from seeing a true monster in real life. I would pay her to stay in the house. The world does not need to see her face. I could only imagine how terrible she would look in a bathing suit. Bathing suit sellers of the world please unite to never sell one of those to Whoppi.

Two. Barbara Walters is the twin sister of Barbara Bush. Enough said. I can see them now throwing shot puts in their back yards, drinking scotch, and "scissoring" one another for the h*ll of it. The scary thing is that I think Barbara Walters does not have "vaage", she may very well have a "mangina." I almost hurled writing that.

Three. Joy Behar looks lisa Lampanelli aged 40 years, died for 2,000 years, and came back from the dead to host a f*cking show. Joy its called plastic surgery. Please consult you local surgeon. He can help you fix your face! Your face woman!

Four. Sherri Shephard is a cross of the comedian Monique ( the very big lady) and any linebacker from the American Football Woman's League. I promise you this mass of human can put on shoulder pads and tackle the Sears Tower. I just feel sorry for all of the innocent people, from starving nations, she hurts as she eats her daily meals. Gluttony is a sin. Have you not heard of the bible? Do everything in moderation woman , it will take you a long way.

-Uncle Booze

What I’ve been Reading Lately

Earlier this week I stumbled across a gem in the blog world, the Hooter’s Girl Blog. As we all know, I love Hooters as you can read in my earlier ode to my love of Hooters here. I stumbled upon the blog as I went through my usual task of looking at half naked chicks during my Theory of Finance class. I was tricked into thinking I was going to be looking at girls in tight shorts and even tighter tanks tops, but no I ended up reading a amazing tale of Hooters Girl.
The blog actually looks into the inner workings of this great American establishment and the young women who serve the wings. I have semi dated/ slept with a few Hooters chicks in my time, but have never got into the inner workings of the restaurant and I’m glad I didn’t. The backbiting and chick on chick hate brings sadness to my heart. I always dreamed that all these chicks ran around in the back playing grab @ss and inspect the boobies. I found out they do play inspect the boobies, but most of the time one of the girls isn’t into, which just kills the fantasy. On a side note, if that doesn’t kill the fantasy then you’re a little twisted.

So people when you get a chance and have finished reading this blog in it’s entirety go check out the Hooters Girl. It’s a good read and it might actually teach you about the hardships that face a young up and coming Hooters Girl. Also, she gives you tips like they don’t get turned on by you stammering, staring at their breast, and then leaving shitty tips. Little tips like this might help you to one day get on my level when it comes to the beautiful ladies of Hooters.

M.I.L.F of the Week #7

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This Summer Sucks

You know what this summer sucks. I seriously hate this sh*t. This is actually the first time in my entire life that I have not enjoyed a summer. It would be ok if it sucked for one reason, but this sh*t sucks all around. I mean I actually hate my life more today than I did in the dead of winter. That statement right there is some sick sh*t. This is supposed to be my oasis of chicks in bikinis, never ending kegs, and parties that run into each other with reckless abandon. Now, we will get into the h*ll that on earth that is this summer or as I call it the end to life itself.
First, lets start with the big problem; the fact that I’m not at home, but still in school. Yes, your hero is in Summer school trying to graduate from this dumb @ss thing called college. I never realized how bad it sucks to be in a college town when school is out of session. This place is dead as fu*k; like it’s truly a graveyard for fun. The abyss of all things good in the world.

Not only does it suck that I’m here, it sucks that I’m missing what I have to assume is a better time going on at home. Some people truly don’t understand how much fun I usually have when I go home for the summer. Lets start from the beginning........ that means kegs not just kegs, but I’m talking endless kegs. That means you go to the hockey arena and drink all day until Memorial Day. On Memorial Day, you go to a very nice annual party that has endless kegs. Then everyday is either kegs at someone’s house or in a bar.
That’s just kegs, lets not talk about chicks in bikinis running around my backyard, taking trips around the country for no reason, and spending the weekends at beach and lake houses.

Second it’s hot @ss fuck out here. Not only is it hot, it is hot for no reason. Back home at least, I can sit by my pool and drink a beer if it’s hot. Yeah I sit, tan, and drink. I get too hot, I get in my pool. If I get tired of that, I go into my fully equipped pool house cook a meal, and watch the satellite. Here I just get f*ckin heat, I have no pool, and my backyard is full of trees, which block the sun. Also, my kitchen is like 80 feet from any piece of sunlight, which makes my life inconvenient as f*ck, and lets not even get started on satellite.

So in general, life sucks, but you know what if I woke up tomorrow and was someone else I would end it, like suicide doors I kill myself. Why you ask after I just b*tched and moaned for a entire post well I’m S. Beamin and it doesn’t get much better than that.

- S. Beamin

Damn $1.9 Million for 24 Songs

This lady just got fined $1.9 million for downloading 24 songs. Do you want to know my personal opinion? She is a dumb b*tch. How the h*ll do you get caught doing something like that? More importantly, why do you only have 24 songs? Do you not have a 30 gig iPod?

I think people like this deserve to be criticized, but fining a woman who cannot clearly afford a 30 gig iPod is where I draw the line. The judge and jury of the case are f*cking c*nts. I am almost positive that half of them have pirated music on their computer. Then again, our world is full of hypocrites who are nothing more than the fat chick telling people they need to eat healthier, while out at McDonald's.

Well, the f*cke up'd thing is she clearly didn't get her monies worth. The record companies owe her some additional songs. At least 100,000 albums. It is probably someone 3 blocks from the court room selling copies of music to people. In Chicago, there is literally someone at every grocery store or corner yelling, "CDs, DVDs, R. Kelly sex tape." I kid you not, but you do not see them sharing this erroneous fine. F*ck the system. It has not done any type of justice. They only thing it has done that I am appreciative of is get rapist, murderers, and child molesters off the streets. Those are 3 types individuals that I will never respect. Scammers and drug dealers have to make a living, just don't bring that sh*t around me.

I think I am going to learn from this lady and download as much sh*t as possible before they start randomly taking peoples' computers. FYI the MILF porn is not mine, I was holding it for a friend who didn't have enough hard drive space.

-Uncle Booze

The Father's Day Text Message

People I dread the day that I get a message like this (iPhone text conversation):

Random Female Sender: Happy Father's Day.

Uncle Booze: You have the wrong person.

Random Female Sender: Alright then I guess I'll see you on Maury.

Uncle Booze: I don't do "guess" (not guest) appearances. Now please stop trying to embarrass yourself.

Random Female Sender: Naw, last time it was the wrong guys, but this time I know for sure it is you!!! Don't deny it!!!

Uncle Booze: WTF. Get a f*cking day job c*nt and stop turning tricks.

Chicks Who Don’t Get Their Shine: Black edition

Today is the first edition of chicks who don’t get their shine from S. Beamin. Yes, I’m talking about all those chicks who are going under the radar or have been set on the back burner. These women deserve their shine and you know what I’m going to give it to them.

Veronica Webb
I don’t do MILF of the week, but I can’t let this one slip through the cracks any longer. The first time I saw her was on that Tim Gunn sh*t on Bravo and I watched on mute from then on out. I can’t get over how fine she is at what ever age she’s at. I mean she is the definition of things get better with age and the absolute poster child for black don’t crack. Seriously, I caught her on that project runway rip off and man all I can say is I fell in love all over again.


Porscha Coleman
Old blood diamond Russ sure can find em because this chick is a banger. I mean not only is she a real deal model chick with wifey potential, but she does that yoga sh*t. I mean she got her flex game on point boys ya dig. I’m trying to downward facing dog, praying mantis, and setting sun all through them guts. Yeah I said it, I want to Nahams Day all in her @ss.


Paula Patton
Yeah, she got her shine a year or two ago when her husband’s album came out, but it seems like we forgot what we were dealing with. I mean look at that chick if that is not wifey sit your @ss at home and don’t mess up a good thing girl, then I don’t know what is. Congratulations Mr. Thicke you caught that chick early in the draft. Young pups might have thought you jumped the gun, but us Mel Kipers of hoe catching knew you had good scouting, Bravo sir I say Bravo!


KD Aubert
It takes a hell of a woman for me to look pass a dumb @ss name like KD, but damn Ms. Aubert is one hell of a woman. She has it all folks the body is just amazing from the tits to the @ss with the nice waist mixed in, the face is damn near perfection, and for the first time ever I can say without lying she has some of the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. I could just stare into those pools of beauty all day. She was in Soul Plane and a Fabolous video, but that can all be forgiven because she’s just that hot.

That’s the girls for this week. I’ll be coming back whenever I feel a chick with true game is being forgotten among these scally wags. Yeah, that means all you Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Ashley Tisdale dudes will finally have some real chicks to fawn over. That means get your Google game up and kill a day giving these chicks the respect they deserve. So until next time S. Beamin will be working to make your chick scoping skills better.

The Douchebag Show

Unlike 16 and Pregnant, I love the douche bag show or as MTV calls it Is She Really Dating Him? It really is a 30-minute example of how douchebags in America operate. MTV has gone as far as to categorize the different douchebags from the Sand Bag, to Hustler Bag, and OC Bag. They all have their own special charm that just endears them to the audience as they make @sses out of themselves for a half hour.
The best part is MTV is not only trying to make these guys look like pieces of sh*t, but they want to get their chicks to break up with them. The sh*t is fucked up because these douches have found chicks dumb enough to love them for being douche bags. I mean these chicks put up with paying for dinner, getting cheated on, being 8th on a list of priorities and being stood up at dinner. They keep coming back for this sh*t too,and the thing is most of these chicks aren’t even ugly. Timeout, I’m not saying they’re S. Beamin status, but hey very few are.
These Douches are either straight out of a bad Ed Hardy ad or a high schooler who just found Hypebeast, yes I’m talking to you Hustler Douche. Seriously, if you ever look at your outfit and you have two, wait I take that back one piece of Ed Hardy on turn around and start again. Yes OC Douche not only did your faux hawk run it’s course two years ago, but no matter how swole you get if you tweeze your eyebrows you’re a fag. No gays don’t get upset I don’t mean fag like gay, but fag like in not being a man, but since you took it there yeah you’re a fag.
The douches even have their own languages, it’s so dumb I don’t even have time to get into it. There are some things that come out of their mouths that make wonder if it’ll be followed by a glob of cum. You see right there I stepped over the line and it’s not my fault I blame the douche bags, good night, and fight the douche that lies within you.

Need I say more.
- S. Beamin

It's on with Alexa Chung

Yep I watch Alexa Chung everyday when I get home to catch up on the latest news from our favorite foreign hipster. I’m about two steps from crushing on this chick, one she knows how to dress as we know I appreciate style, two she’s from England that accent is where it’s at, three she has some Asian in her and everyone knows I currently have Yellow fever. So no matter how bad the show gets, I will always be a loyal viewer even if it is with the volume on mute.

I know the sh*t is bad, but it gets worse. I have been going crazy this summer and this week I finally realized it. I was riding in the car and I was bumping Kiss me Through the Phone and a Jonas Brother’s song. Now these two songs have caveats Kiss Me Through the Phone is the Mike Posner mix, which means no Soulja Boy and it’s not no love song.
When it comes to the Jonas Brothers, it’s that new sh*t with Common. Seriously, if Common is on the track I should get a pass. I actually woke up this morning and saw them on TV they sounded like b*tches which confirms it was all Common, and I’m not a 16 year old girl.
To counteract this bullsh*t, I’m back in the gym, eating two steaks a day, drinking a six pack a day, and breaking sh*t for the hell of it. You know what I blame this sh*t on going sober for two weeks, take my advice people don’t ever stop exercising your vices.

-S. Beamin

Boobies "an" Universal Language

.Y. flat boobies

(.Y.) curvy boobies

( . Y . ) fat boobies

( o Y o ) medium boobies

(.)(.) little boobies

(o)(o) regular boobies

( O )( O ) big boobies

( ' ) ( ' ) perky boobies

( , ) ( , ) droopy boobies

{.} {.} cold boobies

( @ ) ( @ ) hairy boobies

[ _ ] [ _ ] android boobies

( $ )( $ ) silicon boobies

I found this while doing some research.

-Uncle Booze

Weeds is Back

I must admit. I am pleased that this summer is bringing back a lot of shows I like to watch. One of my favortites is Weeds. It features a MILF that ends up selling drugs to support her lifestyle after her husband dies all of a sudden. This season has started out with a bang. This dumb @ss broad got pregnant by a Mexican drug cartel leader, who hasn't decided if he is going to kill her. Some f*cking life, huh?

The funniest sh*t happened though. She got drunk, while pregnant, went to his office, and demanded that he make a decision about her life now. This gansta @ss motherf*cker drug lord bends her over, f*cks her, and tells her, " You do not have any say so in this arrangement." He then walks out and she just lays there bent over his desk. One word.....CLASSIC. Often times in life, you have to let women know that they do not call any shots in this world. Yeah, I said it and I will say it again. Hear my logic though. By nature chicks are receivers. We have the balls and chicks have the catchers.....so, women receive whatever we males have to give you. Bottom line. Take that Take that.

-Uncle Booze