Drunks vs. Cops Part 1

People we all know you can't f*ck with the police. I really don't like those dudes because they are always trying to oppress a drunk. These drunks are people who might share some of the same party ideologies I hold dear to my heart. Like it's 5pm somewhere or beer chucking should be considered a national sport. However, sometimes drunks go overboard. This guy, has lost the battle, but still uses his freedom of speech to voice how he really feels. I truly respect that....one shot of vodka to you my fallen hommie (my way of showing respect to a fellow drunks regardless of his/her background). Unfortunately, he is not a man of his word because he didn't get all violent and whoop some pig @ass.

This drunk goes down in the history book for one of the coolest motherf*kers I have ever seen. He really pissed off an officer. He has won a great battle for drunks all around the world. I take 3 Irish car bombs, 4 liquid cocaine shots for this guy, and two chugged beers. R. Kelly does not have anything on this guy. Kellz if you reading this, he beat you at your own game.

The Battle continues between heroes (drunks) and villians (cops/pigs). The drunk below is just n f*cking idiot. Everyone knows once you arrive at the f*cking police station, you gain your composure really quick or you might get charged with some sh*t you haven't done. That's just how them "mo fos" operate. This guy, we have to pray for because he is making our fellow drunks look like we can't hold our liquor. WTF. That's what we do.... hold our liquor.

-Uncle Booze

What If These Were Your Kids? Part 1

These kids are the bad kids I was referring to in my list. These are the little brats that I would kick in the motherf*cking throat for fun. One day I was on my way to Chicago and stopped at Fuddruckers. It's like some overpriced burger joint. I got my food...a chicken sandwich that had my stomach hurting for like 2 days. When I sat down to eat, there was this little girl with her family at the table next to us. I was eating my food minding my own business and this little brat took out a camera and held it up to take a picture of me. She hesitated when she saw my face and her parents looked at me with discontent. I opened my mouth and said, "If you take a picture of me, I will kick you in your throat." You know what she did? Nothing. That's how you have to treat some of these little people. Her parents looked at me like I was crazy. Well, I will let you be the judge of that, but what if you were in my shoes? I simply wanted to eat my food in peace. What is wrong with that?

-Uncle Booze

The Chick on My Mind... Candace Smith

I apologize to readers for not bringing you your weekly dose of women i'll never meet or talk to. It's not my fault I missed last week I blame it on a party bus, and a friend from out of town, but i'll make up for it. How you ask? With the beautiful Candace Smith. I know the name is rather innocuous, but the body is banging. The best part is if you're a drunk like me you've seen those milk pistols in all their glory. Yes my friends Candace was nude in the epic movie Beerfest, yep Candace was the hot black chick in the drunk dream sequence. I can't show you those pictures, but i'll give you what I got plus you have Google.

Some of you might be saying, but Beamin I've seen her somewhere else recently. Well other than your jack shack dreams you might have seen her on a little show called Survivor. Yeah I heard about it as well, the problem was it was too late. Yeah they voted the hottest chick in Survivor history off second. As a man I'm not voting Miss Ohio 2003 off anything, thats just off GP (General Principle for you lames). Candace might just be my modern day Bush B*tch, word to Eddie Murphy, because I can't deal with all that training sh*t. All you gotta do is go out to the jungle and I'm claiming pure transformation.



Seriously as a man you voted that out? For Shame!
- S. Beamin

Twitter Won't Let Uncle Booze Be A Go Getter

(click on the image to enlarge). These motherf*cking carpet munchers at Twitter suspended my 1st account, which is why I go by UncleBooze1 now ( I am back on Twitter). They say that my friends to followers ratio was f*cking disproportionate. Well, bite me Twitter. I was informed I can do social networking using Tweets, but you guys did not explicitly state the stipulations when I signed up. Shame on you.

Furthermore, they alluded to the fact that I might be a spammer. Who the f*ck am I going to spam Twitter? I do not advertise for anything. Sorry for sounding pissed, but I had like 100+ followers and was following close to 2000 people. Yep 2000 people.

Word of advice for future Twitters (people who use twitter), do not follow a sh*t load of people like I did on my 1st day or your account will be suspended. I was listening to the advice of a mad woman who told me how to get followers. If you are reading this, I have nothing but love for you.

-Uncle Booze

Fathers Please be Good to Your Daughters

Damn this sh*t right here, this sh*t right here, is the culmination. Yes the culmination of all the things wrong with the youth of America today. I can't even explain what was going through my head after I saw this sh*t on Kanye's blog. It was so bad they took it off of the Tube Saturday, but I found it for you DJ hit 1:30 on the video for ya boy!

Strike one you three are dancing to one of the worst songs in the world, yeah "The World Craig". Do you know what "The Stanky Leg" is, it is simply your local dope fiend after that one good hit. Yeah you know when you see it, that leg starts to shake and they start to lean, that's the stanky leg in a nutshell. Watch this fiend in the rain, you are that fiend minus the rain!


Strike Two now you two young ladies in the shorts have some talent, but YOU young lady in the White you are something special. Do you know how special? I can see a pole in your future special, maybe even some clear heels with the strap, if you play your cards right special! The strap is important, because i've been hit with a improperly strapped clear heel by a stripper, not as fun as you might think. You know the next step is the butterfly ass tattoo, for real if as a father you can't stop the butterfly ass tatt you might as well pack it in. The game has been lossed sir, Team Whore 100 - You 0. And Yes they had a number on the video for bookings, I'm sure that includes Bachelor parties.


And finally for the K ball these young ladies' third strike this sh*t is on YOUTUBE! Kanye's blogger found it, then gave it to Ye, who then gave it to me, and now i'm giving it to you. This shit can haunt you forever especially since you look 16, luckily as we decided during strike two y'all are headed straight to the titter. You can't have booty do solo on a real resume, what type resume is that? Same goes for those buck ass naked ho pictures I know you have on your Myspace. Seriously somewhere out there are three fathers or maybe the same father for all three girls, who is saying they must be stopped, something must be done. You know what must be done, rope them chicks in! To close fathers be good to daughters, word to John Mayer.

You remember when the butterfly used to be a thing of beauty, come on my people!!

- S. Beamin
(The views in this post are expressly those of S. Beamin)

Steve Harvey the New Age Philosopher

Okay. I normally don't watch Oprah, but I was forced to this time. Its just not my cup of tea. Steve Harvey appeared and laid the game straight, while promoting his book. Genuis. Oprah has one of the largest following of the female population known to man. He told women what every man wants to tell them. We just didn't want the BS. It was sh*t yall may or may not needed to hear. In some cases, the mother f*cker told yall too much, but I can't "knock" his hustle.

Some of these chicks were f*king crazy. This one corpulent lady had a list of like 60 things and had the nerves to be over 35 years of age. Her list was f*cking ridiculous. Get over it lady......it was all down hill for you at 25. How dare you propose a list of all those items and you don't even fulfill one of those items yourself. You my dear have "the game all f*cked up." You should be happy that someone may even want your @ss. Sorry ladies, but I meant that one.

Lists.... are important and sh*t, but we have ours too. So if you are going to come at us like that, you better come right because here is mine. Enjoy!

Uncle Booze's LIST (A simple list that tells what I want in a woman, email me for the complex one)

1. Suga MAMA- She got to have her own money and willing to pay for everything. Yes. Everything. (key word willing... don't be so quick to judge)
2. M.I.L.F (under the age of 28; most likely had her baby at like 16 and baby daddy not around. I can get jiggy with that sh*t. Must have a discipline kid because I kick bad kids in the throat for fun. )
3. Ta Tas the size of Australia without any excess fat.
4. @ss bigger than "Buffie I can't believe your body"
5. Clean in a French maid costume. Underwear must not be present
6. Have my slippers at the door for me when I walk into the house....EVERY TIME
7. Loves spaceships and want to visit NASA and sh*T
8. Able to do an upside down split on a stripper pole without any hands. It can be done. Trust me.
9. Able to shake what her mama gave her.
10. Able to cook better than Rachel Rae and that chick can cook. If you ever read this Rachel, email me because I got something we need to discuss.
11. Must call me sir 85% of time. ( I don't know why, but it's a must. i.e. "You want some dinner SIR?")
12. Keep the fridge stock with my favorite beers. I never want to see just one beer in the fridge or else we have a serious f*cking problem.

-Uncle Booze

unclebooze@gmail.com

Seriously, I Need to get Rich

Look at this people, my dude just wifed a Supermodel. The picture does not match the words. I just typed seriously I see a supermodel, but I do not see a man who should lock one up for the long run. See, I forgot to mention one thing that ties it all together...... he's rich. Yep people some of you got it early and I might be late, but f*ck workingout. All this weights, running, and situp sh*t is for the birds. I'm going to get money, then fat, and then supposedly a supermodel.

(Thanks Bossip)
Look at my man Russ. We can all be honest and say no matter how little meat he eats, and no matter how much yoga he does, dude is on the lower end of the 1-10 scale. Yet look at what he is always tapping, model chicks. Before Kimora, the dude was known as a model whore. Come on people, he was a whore for models, not a man whore that does too many regular chicks he reached a level where people thought he did too many models. Goodbye gym, S. Beamin is hitting the books and grabbin the cash. I figure with my natural looks and some cash I can scoop two models. I'll take one in Black and one in Brazilian. (That Czech model is just my friend)


- S. Beamin

Someone Stole My Last Beer

Today your hero S. Beamin came home from a long day of not learning for my mid day siesta. This includes drinking a beer. Now folks, I'm a titan of beer and at all times know the count in my fridge. I know I'm rolling with a single for the holdover until 5. So, what do I find when I open that icy door? Nothing. Yes people, someone had stolen my last beer. Folks, man law number 1... don't steal beer it's not cool and provision 1 of rule 1 never steal a mans last beer.

I will now hunt this man to the ends of the earth, the only question is should my wrath be quick or should I take my time. All I know is that vengeance will be mine people so sayeth the lord S. Beamin. You think you can take the last of my precious Keystones and get away with it.... wrong. Now, I'm just watching, waiting for this sucker to slip up , and then S Dot will pounce.

-S. Beamin

M.I.L.F. of the Week #3

This vixen is known for her role on some wife show that comes on TV. By no means is Marcia Cross desperate for my attention, but she surely has it. I would give this house wife all the attention she needs. I might take it a step further and go to her child's soccer game with her. Growing up, I thought having red hair was a curse from the "man" down stairs, but boy have I grown out of that phase. Her red hair is clearly an asset and I think it is very becoming of her.

If you happen to disagree about this pick, something is clearly wrong with you. Look at her. She looks so seductive and she has this, "I'm the sh*t demeanor." I am so attracted to that and know what it takes to bring the best out of her (in a figurative sense). After carefully looking at her pics, I think she might have some dominatrix in her and I do not want to know the "safeword." F*ck yeah!

More importantly, she is willing to try new things (look at the clip below, you only need to watch the 1st 55 seconds because the rest is some bull sh*t). I am always a fan of an adventurous woman because I know how to keep them coming.

-Uncle Booze

unclebooze@gmail.com

I Told You I Loved Padma

I told you I loved Padma Lakshmi, and now I love her more. Yeah you saw that my girl does not decline the swine. Even if she does eat burgers for TV only, I don't care.That is seriously some of the best food porn I've ever seen, play it again for the people Jimmy!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Uncle Booze Discovers the Dollar Store

We are in a recession and I discovered a treasure chest. Everything in the entire store is a f*cking dollar. I couldn't believe it. I walked around stunned that someone has single handedly made everything in the store a buck. It even has groceries like that cheap store Aldi. The only thing that I refuse to use from the store are condoms. I didn't even bother looking for them and I wouldn't recommend you do. I am a Trojan man and will always be one.

I know that some of the things may seem generic, but they even have Hawaiian punch for a buck. That can be used in my favorite party drink Hunch Punch aka "I can't remember my name." I was in f*cking "awe" when I shopped in this place. You can even whip up meals with the treasures I found. Wal-mart cannot even compete with their prices.

-Uncle Booze

Ladies All I'm Looking For Is

From what I've been hearing from people there might be a slight misconception in what S. Beamin is looking for in a woman. I'm picky, but not picky to a point where I'm just waving away any chick under an eight, who doesn't have long silky hair,and hasn't been a debutante. Look people I've ran with prep school chicks to G.E.D. hoes, I'm talking beauty queens and girls fresh from the crime scene. So I'm open minded, I only need one thing.

Have some style ladies. You can do whatever you want with it, but express yourself. Let it be fashion (my favorite), your hair, or even what you do. Ladies separate yourself from the crowd, make me take that second look. I used to mess with a bunch of click-clack girls (Devil wears Prada ref.), and you might think aren't they all the same. Well no they are actually all different if you look closely, because they are all trying to out do one another. You see I don't care where your inspiration or style comes from just have some. Let it be jealousy, rage, or just supremacy bring it I want it.

Right down there she's my favorite they call her Valentina. I don't know why she's my favorite I can't really explain it, but where she chose to take the picture, what she's got on, the way her hair moves just does it. I don't even know what she does, but she makes me want to know. Ladies just make me want to know more.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

-S. Beamin

The 1st Lady of the Republic of Cameroon...Sigh

Ladies you have always said, "Booze you need something that appeal to us." As a guy that never fails to please the ladies, take this... take this. Her name is "First lady WTF happened to you." Now, fellow Americans we had to deal with Barbara Bush, but at least she was presentable when meeting officials from around the world. Okay, presentable is an overstatement, but this lady of Cameroon is f*cking horrible.

What woman in her right mind would wear f*cking glitter in techno colors to meet the former French Prime Minister. I may not be a fashion guru. Trust me I am not, but this was brought to my attention by a good friend of mine and I wanted to share it with you.

Honestly people she looks like a f*cking dude. For now on she is an "IT." IT is a true embarrassment. Women if you are reading this, her hair "do"' will not get you anywhere in a man's book. The days for the big hair is over. We will only laugh.....sigh. Jerks as myself would probably point it out to the people around me and cause more attention to your troubled appearance.

-Uncle Booze

unclebooze@gmail.com

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

The Shower Beer

Have you ever had a beer in the morning. You have, well I agree that's a pretty nice way to start the day. You know what's better though a Shower Beer. What is that? F*ck you're an idiot, because it's exactly what it sounds like. I turn on a hot shower and grab a cold beer, and all is right with the world in my eyes. The contrast between the shower and the beer is like no other people. The water is never warmer than when you drink a beer, a beer is never cooler than when you're in the shower.


People let me tell you the beer is so crisp when it goes down your throat, and hits your chest where the warm water is washing over you. Yeah when they combine for the first time it's like Nirvana or reaching Valhalla. I thought I was the only one doing this as I criss crossed the world from Texas to China. But then I preached to people and they tried it and they agreed. Yes people I'm starting a tribe, a tribe of people who roll with shower beers. Face it you f*cks it's a perfect way to start the day. Get on it!!!

- S.Beamin

The Girls of Hedsor Hall.......Glory at its Best

One word.... F*cking awesome. I thought the ladies on Bret Michaels were "slutes" (pronounced flutes, but with an "s"), but these chicks are like the worst in the best way possible. I caution you that they cannot be taken home to mama. I watched this show in amazement.

To be honest, I only saw it like a few times and thought....WTF. Where did they find these chicks? The show helps these chicks change into ladies, but we all know you can't change a h*e into a house wife. Forgive me ladies. I know there are real ladies out there. This is not in any form a testament to the standard that real ladies hold themselves to.

The reality of the situation is these women have a long way to go before they would even be considered ladies in my book. Trust me. Uncle Booze's standards are pretty low considering my excess baggage. After seeing the above video, I thought these chicks would be able to eat about anything. I guess you can't judge a book by its cover....... observe below.

-Uncle Booze

unclebooze@gmail.com

So What I drink beer in the Morning... Shoot Me

I only do it when I have a severe hang over. The sh* t helps me get through it.Okay. I woke up from a long night of living life to the fullest, while ensuring that I added to the legendary adventures of Uncle Booze. My iPhone goes off at 6:30AM with a reminder to do my f*cking homework for my 8am class. I looked at my phone with discontent. This is not happening; how could I complete this task with a self-induced hangover?

I walked down stairs from my bachelor’s room that is accented with residue of various liquors and headed to the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator and looked for the beverage of my choice. To my surprise, all I had was cherry limeade and beer. At that very second, I realized that the only reason I had a hangover was because my body was craving liquor. What is Booze to do?

You got it right, if you thought I went for the beer. I almost conquered my personal record for earliest drinking time during a non-vacation day. I started drinking the beer and my roommate comes out to the common area and looked at me like… "you are crazy booze." He asked what was wrong with me and I simply replied, "This is how I roll."

-Uncle Booze

unclebooze@gmail.com

Look At That @ss in Those Tights

I didn't realize it until Wednesday night, I nearly wreck my whip everyday. I have this habit of becoming hypnotized by @ss. Now readers, I drive a fine German sled. So this habit of mine could be very costly. It just seems that everywhere I go there is some piece of @ss jiggling in those tights. I seriously have been falling prey to this trap since I started driving. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was rollin in front of the local school and there it was two perk @ss cheeks in royal blue, with three stripes running down the leg. I circled the block three times and she noticed, because she told me at school the next day. So, how does your boy Beamin handle that, I grabbed a handful of @ss cause that's how I get down.

All I'm saying is ladies keep doing your thing from the Girl in the yellow jogging around my house to the one who bent down in burgundy over on Orange street; let us not forget them cakes that strolled into Poly Sci this week painted in grey. I'm telling you they were painted on and I wanted to just peel those tights off in the middle of class. It took about ten satan get behind me prayers to calm myself.

I'm just a normal man. I can only take so much. So ladies before you take it to the next level and start running around in only G-Strings warn a brother. And yes I have already made all the fill her up and pump her jokes possible, so quit while you're ahead.


- S. Beamin

Now and Maybe Later....Hopefully

Over the course of the last few days, Uncle Booze has been a bit of a party animal. Upon living my glorious life, I stumbled upon this drink. I call it "now and a maybe later" aka Murk. All you need are these f*cking awesome ingredients and you are going to have a swell time. Trust me. Also, getting in mixing ratios is irrelevant. I don't recommend using them when you are trying to get f*cked up.

• Orange Juice
• Grape Juice
• Bacardi 151
• Bacardi Zoombie
• Ice

Mix all the sh* t together and the ladies will love it. I know what you are thinking... Barcardi 151?

Yes. Listen. I use to take shots of the sh*t before some of my classes to help me get through that sh*t. I even took a few before a test and got a f*cking A. Top that! So, in my mind 151 is like my water. This "drank" had me so "throwed yall." I was like this taste too good and boy did I pay for it later. This potion of purple got me kicked out of 2 f*cking clubs, the hotel pool, and to top things off i gave the f*cking cab driver like 20 extra bucks. It may not seem like a lot of money, but that's a lot of beer.

Yep it was St. Paddys Day

Ok people it's 7:06 in the morning and I'm awake with a bar stamp on my hand. Only one thing could have happened I got drunk and tried to ruin my life. Yesterday started great Arsenal won, I got drunk, and now I'm posting drunk as shit. So staying within the guidelines of the new website rules I just wanted to share this with you.

Yep that's my two favorite things put together. Boobs and Drank, yeah my people someone decided to put liquor in boobs. I realize now my idea of fake boobs filled with Jamison was short sided, because the booze was trapped inside the boobs. No more my friends. Its the best of both worlds I can now drink and fondle boobs at the same time, and I want it. Ladies go out and buy up all the "Wineracks" you can, it's for the better meant of mankind.

- S. Beamin

Bring Back To Catch a Predator

You know what I miss, To Catch a Predator. Yes this show was the craziest shit I had ever seen in my life. The problem was that the show was sick, yet hilarious at the same time. Now you may ask how kiddy pervs can be hilarious, have you seen these fools? If you ever watched one episode of this shit you would be on the floor rolling. Dudes sitting down to a nice glass of lemonade or margarita thinking they were going to see a pretty young thing, and BAM!!!! Chris Hansen would turn the corner.

This dude would start reading the worst chat room transcripts ever, but with the most deadpan voice ever. He would ask them these questions about what a horrible human being they were like it was a regular interview. I loved when dudes would sit there and try to make excuses like I'm here to help them or I knew this was To Catch. Yes that is what we refer to this show as to on the streets To Catch. My favorite though was when dudes would run, yes dudes used to hit door on Chris Hansen.

Yep after that first show buddies were no longer getting away, because the police were right outside. You thought the taser was bad then the bush camo was overkill, but it was well worth it. Then shit would just get worst as these creeps would wilt under the pressure of interrogation. My favorite of all time though has to be the cancer doctor though. First dude is so nervous he knocks over the drink, dude either it is the 13 year old or the fact you're a pedophile that has you shook. Second my dude tries to run, until he hits the wall of cops. Third and probably my favorite is when he throws down his glasses like F*ck it's all over. You can see the moment dude realizes that if his life is really over. And fourth is when he just keeps talking to the police until he calls his wife and tells here bring 30K, but not the kids. What was his excuse? He said he got caught in a sting, yeah they bout to sting yo ass in the joint, just marvel in the pure stupidity.

Then they took it all away from me, no not because they ran out of predators, but because one offed himself. They took away the show, because some freak did us all a favor an ended it, and don't come at me with he didn't do it, there were transcripts of this freak. The show had been on for awhile if you were still trying to holla at kids you had a real problem. So all I'm saying is NBC either give me a marathon every weekend or all new episodes cause I miss To Catch.

The redheaded decoy was kinda cute though; chill she was 18 so it's all good when you put it on the books.

- S. Beamin

Michael Steele is Losing the Battle for the Elephant People Part 1

Michael Steele is the head of the republican party, but he might be a border-line puppet. What a f*cking tool for taking that job. On top of that, he publicly announced that he is pro choice. You have to be a dummy to do such a thing like that. The elephant people are so pro life. Even I know that sh*t. I must commend them for thinking outside the box when appointing a new person to show they are changing from their old ways, but I do not think they were ready for this improperly trained elephant person in the US of A. I will keep you posted on this guy because I have to do some more research.... What a character..........

The Chick on my Mind - Noémie Lenoir

Here we are with another addition of exotic chicks S. Beamin will never meet or talk to in his life. This week we have the oh so smooth Noémie Lenoir, you may ask what makes here so exotic in the your mind Beamin. The one and only reason is she's French and I'm American. Yeah baby I'm talking a real American here, these colors don't run American, a freedom fry American baby! But the I look at Noémie and think maybe the French aren't all bad; it's like 99% Lilly Livered Frogs, 1% Noémie and I can deal with that though cause, come on, look at her.


You might be thinking where have I seen her before. Well if you're horn dog like me, the answers are Victoria Secret's Fashion show (still on my DVR) and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Yep. I'm talking real quality almost no clothes moments here people, and in S. Beamin's book that's how it should be. Some of you may be like naw S Dot it's somewhere else. ..Well that somewhere is that piece of shit movie Rush Hour 3. Yep, I sat through that shit for one reason and one reason only Noémie Lenoir. And you know that she looked sexy as hell even with the blonde buzz cut, see this is what makes me doubt the ability of Amber Rose to pull the look off.

So other than being French, Noémie happens to be pretty much perfect girl other than the facts that she's married and has a child. These are two things your boy S Dot doesn't mess with, both lessons were learned from the same woman, word to Arbor View. From my past experiences with other chicks, I've learned this is a double deal breaker, but look at her. She also has a french accent so in my mind though I'll put those things aside and dream of her whispering sweet Ohh La La's in my ear.


- S. Beamin

The Boss's BABY MAMA DRAMA.

I am so glad this is not happening to me. This is some f*cked up SH*T. Well it can't happen to me. I do not have a baby MAMA. I believe in safe sex and plan B. YAZ is also one of my close friends. They are all miracle workers in my life. I would not recommend using the KY spermicidal lube; trust me it does not work from what my homeboy told me.

Ricky Ross's baby mama going to be released in a flick produced and probably starring 50 Cent. People are even willing to do voice overs.

These guys have taken this hip hop dis thing to another level. I think that the whole thing is pretty childish. You guys are both grown @ss mean. Also, she had probably even agreed to do it. Talk about a slut bucket in its purest form. Ricky Ross you are truly paying the cost to be the Boss. Between me and you, she is not worth it. Dude, TMZ is working on a f*cking deal to put the flick on their website. What type of "be yah be yah" is your ex-girl going to be when she finally grows up. Ross she is indeed the port of Miami.

Listen. 50 Cent has vowed to f*ck your life up. If he releases that tape that would be the start of a very intense life f*cker upper. Ross you are slowly following down the totem pole of being a Boss. You may be considered a foot soldier if that happens. You need to think of something really quick. I got some suggestions because I am a grade A a-hole. Until then, you may be what 50 talked about in one of his 1st videos.

-Uncle Booze

unclebooze@gmail.com

M.I.L.F. of the Week #2

Her name is "the chick that did Billy Bob Thorton in Monster's Ball" or "007 swimsuit chick." She got out that water looking like glory. Sometimes I call her Halle Berry to show some respect. Man did she do an awesome job in that scene. I think she even won an Oscar for that scene. It reminded me of the movie Love Jones when the actors were actually getting it on. No trust me those "mo foes" were not acting at all. Anyways this lady had been on my mind since her days of Boomerang. I must admit I was a little young, but man I knew what I wanted to do with that and her sweet looking caramel skin. Listen, I had my fist kiss at the age of 4. No lie. It was a truth or dare with my cousin friend's little sister. Man, did she let herself go; I saw her like 2 years ago. I was not too impress at all.

Halle is what I like to call brown sugar.....pure in every way. Of course, she made some bad decisions throughout her career.... like getting turned out by Eric Benet but she is not as dumb as that Brittany Spears chick; Now, Brit is a real f*cking tool.

I simply want to ask this M.I.L.F.," What does it smell like?' I am almost positive there is a blend of lavender, strawberries, and some other smell that would be pleasant to the nose. The notion of asking her the that question came from her playing the role of CAT woman. That is just how my mind works. Please do not judge me.

-Uncle Booze

unclebooze@gmail.com

What Happened to My Face?

Well my partner in crime Uncle Booze has given you one of his terrible booze stories, so here is one of mine. As previously stated Vodka, wait CHEAP VODKA was the arch nemesis of S. Beamin. Ladies and Gentlemen, this story is the origin of this epic battle. This tale happens to be full of greatness and despair; well mostly despair, in fact, it has absolutely no redeemable value. As it happens I can only remember half of this story, while the other half was relayed to me in a phone call that you will here about later.

Me being S. Beamin, I like to party and when I party I go a little overboard...... some might say so this night was no different. It started the same as many nights. I was over at my friend Steel/Helmet Heads' house getting tanked. Now, I've been there many times with very few wins in my column. So, I of course say lets roll the dice again and get hammered. Well, this isn't a real problem. I can drink 30 Stones no problem. So, thats what I did. Then, I ran into the catalyst of trouble my friend B.D. who brought jello shots to the party. Now at this time, Beamin being only a 3rd year vet, not yet at Pro Bowl status. I had never had this wonderful confection. So what do I do, I start slamming them with no regard for mind or body that was mistake one. Mistake two not was finding out that these things were made out of McCormick's Vodka. Now if you know Vodka, then you know this shit is pure once distilled death. Mistake three was chugging McCormick's Vodka.

Now, this is where your fearless leader loses the plot and blacks out. Well, supposedly me and my friends continued chugging to the point we were no longer viable human beings. Which caused everyone to have the good idea that I should throw up. Well, S. Beamin doesn't throw up "Puke free since 03". After people trying and even offering to throw up with me, we quit trying. At this point, we go down the path of no return and I wanted to go home.

Now, lets be honest this is my friend's house and I can obviously stay there, but no I love my bed and must return to it. Thankfully, my friends J.P. and Kempner Chad offer to drive me home. Now, this all goes swimmingly til we get to my house. Now being drunk and loud we wake up my mom who runs out of the house. Now, J.P. is a large white man who at this point is carrying me, this doesn't register well to a black lady in the dark. It looked similar to a lynching, but at my house.

She begins yelling, J.P. freaks out, and proceeds to drop me. Yes, he dropped me on my face this is because I forgot to stand. Well from here my Mother has to drag me into the house thinking the beating my face has taken is from an earlier incident. Not only am I bleeding everywhere, but the house is full of small now frightened children. The next morning, I wake up face stuck to pillow by dried blood not knowing where the hell I am. Concrete 1, S. Beamin 0.

I look in the mirror and to my surprise I had a nasty gash and all my teeth. Me being Me I call J.P. and ask "What Happened to my Face?", and that's how I learned this story. My Mom to this day thinks I was in a street fight and won thanks to my fiends who dropped me off or at least I hope she does.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent

-S. Beamin