What Happened to My Face?

Well my partner in crime Uncle Booze has given you one of his terrible booze stories, so here is one of mine. As previously stated Vodka, wait CHEAP VODKA was the arch nemesis of S. Beamin. Ladies and Gentlemen, this story is the origin of this epic battle. This tale happens to be full of greatness and despair; well mostly despair, in fact, it has absolutely no redeemable value. As it happens I can only remember half of this story, while the other half was relayed to me in a phone call that you will here about later.

Me being S. Beamin, I like to party and when I party I go a little overboard...... some might say so this night was no different. It started the same as many nights. I was over at my friend Steel/Helmet Heads' house getting tanked. Now, I've been there many times with very few wins in my column. So, I of course say lets roll the dice again and get hammered. Well, this isn't a real problem. I can drink 30 Stones no problem. So, thats what I did. Then, I ran into the catalyst of trouble my friend B.D. who brought jello shots to the party. Now at this time, Beamin being only a 3rd year vet, not yet at Pro Bowl status. I had never had this wonderful confection. So what do I do, I start slamming them with no regard for mind or body that was mistake one. Mistake two not was finding out that these things were made out of McCormick's Vodka. Now if you know Vodka, then you know this shit is pure once distilled death. Mistake three was chugging McCormick's Vodka.

Now, this is where your fearless leader loses the plot and blacks out. Well, supposedly me and my friends continued chugging to the point we were no longer viable human beings. Which caused everyone to have the good idea that I should throw up. Well, S. Beamin doesn't throw up "Puke free since 03". After people trying and even offering to throw up with me, we quit trying. At this point, we go down the path of no return and I wanted to go home.

Now, lets be honest this is my friend's house and I can obviously stay there, but no I love my bed and must return to it. Thankfully, my friends J.P. and Kempner Chad offer to drive me home. Now, this all goes swimmingly til we get to my house. Now being drunk and loud we wake up my mom who runs out of the house. Now, J.P. is a large white man who at this point is carrying me, this doesn't register well to a black lady in the dark. It looked similar to a lynching, but at my house.

She begins yelling, J.P. freaks out, and proceeds to drop me. Yes, he dropped me on my face this is because I forgot to stand. Well from here my Mother has to drag me into the house thinking the beating my face has taken is from an earlier incident. Not only am I bleeding everywhere, but the house is full of small now frightened children. The next morning, I wake up face stuck to pillow by dried blood not knowing where the hell I am. Concrete 1, S. Beamin 0.

I look in the mirror and to my surprise I had a nasty gash and all my teeth. Me being Me I call J.P. and ask "What Happened to my Face?", and that's how I learned this story. My Mom to this day thinks I was in a street fight and won thanks to my fiends who dropped me off or at least I hope she does.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent

-S. Beamin