Things I've realized through time

First and foremost i must mention im writing this drunk as shit and on about 2 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period, but you need to know this shit. I have done some shit and got way with it that you a normal person will not be able to get away with so take note and do none of the following.

1. Grabbing a woman's vagina in the middle of class.
Seriously this shit is pushing the lines of decency but i did it and boy did I pay for it. If the thought ever comes across your mind that the girl whose tits you have been grabbing for the last week might want some finger company down there, ask for permission. The answer will more than likely be no even if it is theater class where her moans will get drowned out by the sounds of shitty acting.

Results I got my Sidekick broken, yeah back when sidekicks were only seen in my hands and that Fabolous video.

2. Do not try to spit fire after a night of drinking 151
I have been the dumb ass in many situations and maybe none dumber than this one. I have no idea what possessed me to think after killing a bottle of 151 that it would be a good idea to add fire to the equation. Me being the drunken genius that i am decided the last bit of 151 should be used to spit fire in a college dorm room.

Results Me pathetically spewing Bacardi all over my shirt and thankfully no where near the flame. Side note I set my thumb on fire this weekend making Flaming Dr. Peppers so that was fun.

3. Do not believe the ass, because it will always lie
This is one of those things were I kinda fucked up, I judged the book by it's ass. I thought ass looks good so everything else will be good I was so wrong. Seriously never jump in a truck with a chick based on ass alone.

Results I got kidnapped and taken to Georgia, all the time being told stories about how crack taste like candy, with ex-boyfriend property destruction tossed in for fun.

4. Never eat all the weed brownies
Everyone thinks that weed brownies are all fun and games. You dumb fucks are wrong, fucking dead wrong those shits destroy lives and end relationships. It's bad enough when you eat one or two but I do it big and eat the pan or lick the bowl that shit is wrong.

Results I have left messages for Klan leaders telling them how I fuck women of all races, kissed multiple chicks without fair warning, and went to a Rockets game. Seriously after that Rockets game I got tickled by a bunch of people and the video of that incident is one of the funniest things have ever seen.

5. Do not drive around late night with your headlights off
If you ever get in a situation where the law is looking for you, do not decide the best option is to drive with your headlights off. So if you happen to be down by the river and your car is on the side of the road, do not run from the cops jump in the car and then speed down the highway in the wrong direction at 120 mph with no lights. Also do not go in reverse down the busiest highway in your city saying it'll be okay im special.

Results I evaded arrest every time and was known by the local police department as James Bond and later Mcguyver because I could get out of any situation.

To be clear none of these stories or incidents are quote un quote real. I had wrote something else right here but it went a little too far and it would get two people sent to jail and ruin their careers so i showed restraint. Oh and by the way the chick who's Vagina I grabbed I also drunkenly rubbed her with my boner while watching a high school play. Once again totally wrong and she stabbed me in the leg with a pen about three inches from my dick. Being me I promptly showed her how close she was and we've been friends ever since.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter because I don't give a fuck

Tiger did you wrong....I Got Something to Heal the PAIN...MY DANK

To my dearest Elin,

I am drunk right now and was thinking about how lonely that you are at this current time. I know that Tiger did you wrong, but there is a LION ready to pounce on you Simba style. I saw you in your glory days and know that you haven't let yourself go. Com'on you are indeed a MILF. I see you in the media wondering....."How am I going to get through this sh*t?' Well, I have the answer for you. It is call my dank.It is ready for you...It has no worries or concerns.

Listen, I have a two step program. First I help you during your time of need, then help you get my jizz on your face. You don't have to sign any type of arrangement. I will let you know the terms up front. I DON'T WANT ANY KIDS. THE ONLY THING I WANT you already got.

But I am sure the arrangement will help you gain some dignity about yourself.

-Uncle Booze

(I would normally write crude and graphic sh*t, but I was trying to let you know I was sincere).

She's a Maxim Girl....Amanda Bynes

I was reading one of my favorite publications online (Maxim) and a see a f*cking link that said Amanda Bynes. Yes we all grew up watching All That and some other shows she was on. Well I was shock to see this name associated with this publication as well. Okay I really don't read the sh*t, I look at the hot women and may read something about them If my dick tells me to. Meaning if she is HOT, I would see where she came from and what not.

I have good news..... she is now 23...LEGAL and ready to have some more adult like scenes in her movies. Dont get your hopes up at all because she claims she is not ready for porn. Such a f*ckinh drag. I can say one thing...boy has her tits gotten bigger. I was shock to see this little on with some respectable size tots. In the words of Tyson, I want to ravish them. I want to display my dominance over them.

Amanda if you are out there. I have something that would give you, something your Nickelodeon audience could never give you. I really don't want to wine and dine you. You seem more like the chocolate syrup and whip cream type. Good news for you is I have a lifetime supply of that sh*t begging to be used on a newly invented chick as yourself. I advise you not to be shy. I don't believe in that America's Sweetheart bullsh*t you have displayed over the past few years. When I see you eyes in picture...they tell me...Booze I like it from behind, then I want to do it cowgirl. Listen I have a whole routine geared just for you. Its called....DO IT HOW I WANT IT. Trust me you will like it. I even have a cowboy hat that needs to come out of retirement.

I must admit you look very awkward in these photos. Don't try so hard. Just show some nips and ass, then coast through. This is the best advice I can give you. I am sure it will come with time. I admire your drive. If all else fails, I have written a porno just for you. I starts on the set of ALL THAT.

-Uncle Booze

Personals #4 (Her Reply)

"Well, u can continue to laugh but know this; just like u found it funny there will be someone who will find it sincere and meaningful. I feel sorry for u if u think that anything I said was unbelievable or funny. I took a chance posting on krudlist but I think that like me there are still some people out there that believe in love.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®"

One world....BULLSHIT.I am laughing my ass off now at your utter silliness. One I recommend that you get some education. Seriously, my 4 year old brother uses better grammar and syntax than you. You shouldn't feel sorry for me. I ma not the one posting funny (in your eyes serious) on Criagslist to find a mate (love). Listen I don't have a heart to give away . I was born without one. I live off a pace maker motherf*cker!! This is not the Notebook (gayest movie ever). This is End Days. Its a constant battle field out there. I got a whole army of soldiers begging to swim.Just not with you!!!!

Please Leave A.K.A. Get the Fuck Out

Now when it comes to the morning after Im a pretty decent guy. I don't usually throw chicks out at 3 in the morning with cab fare and no panties. I try to do my best to treat each lady that walks in my humbe aboad with the utmost respect. This morning that shit was not in the cards, my people it just wasn't. First and foremost let me tell you about my perfect Sunday.

I wake up with someone I actually care about. It's early so I don't disturb her as I watch the Arsenal cruise to a 3-0 victory in the English Premier League. Her timing is almost perfect as she wakes up just in time to watch the interesting parts of Meet The Press with me. After we shower together to conserve hot water and such we would head out to brunch. A brunch that would consist of anything she wanted plus bottomless Mimosas. The rest of the day would simply consist of us shopping, resting, watching whatever she wants on my Plasma, and me cooking a heavy duty meal that would put us both to sleep.

Today was not that day, the brunette I told you about in the Kimbella post below well it didn't end well. Im new in town so I don't know how these chicks act all the time. As usual I took her home made her a drink and as usual I put my work in. Im drunk as shit so I don't fall asleep with the greatest of ease. I sneak out to the kitchen and end up drinking a entire bottle of Stoli, I try to fall asleep with the chick who will remain nameless in my bed but the shit just wont work. By this time it's like 9 in the morning so I watch the Arsenal game, still asleep. I wait a bit and watch Meet the Press she's still asleep, I lift some weights loud as fuck she's still asleep. Fuck it I even made some eggs and cooked some lamb. Honestly if you smell lamb or something you've never smelled before you wake the fuck up. This chick on the other hand stays stone cold asleep, she has to be faking the funk at this point.

I have now become pissed off and I am starting to feel trapped in my apartment, because for some reason she is enjoying the shit out of my bed and i'm waiting for the fucking game to come on, its the Playoffs people. So in my mind we have hit def con 5, I don't like you, you are still in my house, and you are beginning to ruin my day. Now certain people advised me to tell her my girl was coming home, but I said fuck it. You know what happens when I say fuck it I go into I could give a fuck less mode, I go into No Bueno territory. This meant I simply walked to the side of the bed and flipped the mattress. Yep I put that shit straight in air, yeah i made a fucking 90 degree angle with my mattress and my bed. Of course she rolled out hitting my white clothes with her feet and my floor with head.

What did I do you ask I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and allowed her to leave with what little dignity she had left.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

The chick on My Mind... Kimbella

I come to my devoted following from the living room of my new apartment in Alexandria. The reason you ask, because there is a young woman sleeping in my bed and my better half says let her rest. Yeah it's been a Stoli night and when that happens I always have a taste for a bit of Russian love. Seeing as im in the boones of Louisiana I had to settle for the first cold hearted brunette I could find. Which leads me to the chick on my mind this fateful night, who is someone totally different from the girl twenty feet away from me. So this week we have Kimbella.



As you can see Kimbella holds none of the same qualities that you will find in the fake Russian substitute coon ass that is currently laying in my bed. Our lovely Kimbella sports lovely blonde locks that both you and I both know are fake. But if you know me it doesn't matter whether its a fake ass, tits, or hair once she gets naked we fuckin. Kimbella also happens to be of the black persuasion which doesn't go down in Russia. For real you should check out some Youtube videos on Russia and black people it makes the Dixie South look almost welcoming. Oh and as an aside I met a girl name Dixie and I think Dixie yelling my name would be sweet retribution just don't tell her.



Back to Kimbella look at that sweet ass she is working with damn I gotta thank my NT family for putting me on this one. I'll be honest i've seen her before the post but the pics did her no justice, in my mind she was just another chick that had a body to be ogled at and nothing more. In all honesty thats still true but fuck it at least she can make me look twice now.



Oh and that tat yeah it's gonna be bad in about ten years, but luckily I wont be around when that time comes around. I swear to God I don't know what it is with these chicks with tats but I want to lick every sing line on that piece of art. Sometime it leads me to licking things that don't even have ink on them, but that story is for a different time and place. Kimbella's little piece of body art would have me licking the tat and everywhere around it.



Fuck it peeps everyone take in the silky caramel that is Kimbella the two nice hopefully moist rounds that reside on her chest and the plump ass that is meant for only one thing. I hope you all enjoyed the pics and as you know if you haven't been in a 30 year coma you can Google all the rest of the images you need. I am currently the guy who has to go handle a rough and tumble brunette who currently resides in his bed. I guess i have one of two options depending on her. We'll either go at it again or i'll respectfully call her a taxi so I can sleep in my bed. For real because, I don't cuddle on the first night thats simp shit and that's not what S. Beamin is about.



- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

The Return of the Twerk Team

As some of my loyal followers know I have what some would call a unhealthy obsession with a group of dancers from the ATL. Yes im talking about the Twerk Team, some people might be wondering why has it been so long in between Twerk Team post? The answer for one is I suspect some of those chicks might be underage and the thought of having them come over for a private party might be a one way ticket to Catch a Predator status. Second I saw some of their faces and there is a reason most of the time they dance ass to the camera. But it's a new year so in 2010 I think it's time to give them another chance, they are a year older and hopefully a few of them have grown into their faces.



AWWWW fuck man I was just looking for pics to add to the post and I fell into some shit. Like normal I typed Twerk Team into my Google search and for some reason one of the options was Twerk Team exposed, and you know me. I be damned if they don't have some damn naked flicks of Mizz Twerkzum. I can't be involved in this shit so what you do with the info is your business. Fuck it lets get down to what we came her for new videos. Yeah they had to do one to How Low Can You Go. Luda made this song for certain types of females to show they ass in the club and our team of twerkers does not fail.



Oh shit I just ran up on this shit while I was at it. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you found a strippers blog? Where they would talk and express themselves to the best of their ability, well damn here it is. Its one of those mixes that is just wrong almost enough dancing and just a touch too much talking. By too much talking they said more than two sentences, but I do appreciate the shout out to my former University in the second blog. It was done in true Twerk Team fashion though with FAMU booty shorts. Thats it im out I cant do this shit anymore I gotta a life to live.




God help us all I'm trying to better for real people but ya'll gotta help me

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it

Shit You Dont Wanna Know About But Im Going To Tell You Anyways

I've been on the move more specifically i've been moving to Louisiana well some of the shit is good some of it's sucked. The one thing that has sucked has been the on going war between me and my stomach. Yes me and my guts are locked in an intense battle of wills and only one of us will win. Right now I hate my fucking guts. In my opinion he started the war but he blames me, he says I ate some rank cajun shit, while I say he should have processed it and been done with it.

The battle has gotten so bad that I can barley go to work, or make it through a single meal. This dude comes with these fucked up sneak attacks out of no where. The worst one was when I was on my way to my first day of work. He started to lob some soft preliminary bombs at me early in the morning but I was able to evade those bad boys with quick thinking. The true problem came when he decided to let me get in my car. This son of a bitch waited until i was half way down the road to ambush me it was so bad I had to pull over and blow up a McDonalds. Have you ever seen the faces of the people when you run into a McDonalds dominate the restroom and don't even buy a Egg McMuffin, pure disgust.

It wasn't over yet as now it was my turn to strike instead of going Barack Obama on his ass with some Pepto I said fuck it and hit him with that George W. Yeah I cooked up a steaming hot bowl of chili, im talking the works. I put Jalapenos, Banana Peppers, Chili Peppers, and some Cayenne Peppers in there just for fun. Thats not it though because I know this fool hates dairy so added the 5 cheeses blend and Sour Cream, I don't even like Sour Cream. Fuck you nigga Im bringing the lactose.

Well that was a mistake as this mother fucker waited not 3 minutes into the meal before he decided it was atomic bomb time. Yeah dude unleashed his fury upon me, the sad thing is I could take it I survived, but there was collateral damage namely my toilet. That shit was fucked up like damn homey you used to be tha man homey fucked up. What sucked worst is the next day was my house keepers first day, fuck it she got paid ill see if she come back this week though.

It seems like the battle has slowed down but every now and then we take little pot shots at each other whether it be him making me miss the end of the 1st half of the Texas game or me eating at some fucked up hole in the wall. The battle lines have been drawn and if this fucker fucks around i'll cut him out. I decided to not include pictures because first that shit is disgusting and second what kind of grown man takes pictures of his shits.

- S. Beamin
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Fuck Gucci Mane

Yeah I said it Fuck Gucci Mane, I thought we were all joking with all this Gucci Mane Shit, but no you fuck heads were serious. I mean I thought you all saw how big a joke this fuck nigga was but no you people actually like this sing song simple ass mother fucker. I started going in on this dude during the BET awards where they put this coon in every single performance. You mean to tell me a black diamond egg beater is the shit these days, or does it make it better if I refer to it as a whisk no it doesn't. I hope those diamonds are fake because your kids are gonna need that change when you go to jail, and yeah i will get to that. This Mother Fucker had the nerve to make an announcement talking about Im trying to live I aint trying to get killed. What kind of asshole has to go on BET and make an announcement that he's not trying to get murdered. If shit is so fucked out there that your pretty much putting out press releases and PSAs that say please dont shoot me you suck at life. And to be totally honest anyway you look at that shit it's weak first that shit aint gangsta and second why are people shooting at you dumbass.



Lets get on this dudes rhymes this motherfucker is the worst, the only song I half way like is Ridiculous why because the fact that people like this man is ridiculous. I downloaded that three Mixtape shit Gucci America, BurrRussia, and Greeat Brritian I think. Those shits were whack as shit. And don't get me started on The State vs. Radric Davis that shit wasn't even worth bootlegging and who names there child Radric, this man had no chance from birth. Seriously you got songs like Dangers Not a Stranger yeah it's not a stranger, because people are trying to shoot you to shut you the fuck up. And yes let us get to your adlibs GUCCI and BURRR! You know how dumb that shit is that shit is horrible, you have these dumb fucks running the street yeliing BURRR and GUCCI at the top of there lounges. The last straw was when I was in the Gucci store trying to buy some shit and a Grown Ass man just started picking shit up yelling GUCCI! I thought the shit was a joke when I would Tweet GUCCI next to my purchases, but this man was serious. I dont even know how to properly use BURR at first I thought that shit was supposed to mean shit sucked but now I don't know. Fuck it is what it is. Seriously MTV number 6 MC in the game, seriously?



Lets get to my favorite part of this shit which is ole dude going back to jail. I know Im not the only one that is happy about this shit. Gucci is one of those ugly ass mother fuckers that looks like Jail and his burnt black Bubba Gump lips just go together. Hopefully while this mother fucker rots in jail for a while people can step back and take a look at the shit that they have embraced. If you sit back and listen to this dude you will realize it's best to just try to jump on my bandwagon and say you were down with me from the jump.



Oh and when I knew this Mother Fucker was the worst was when he put on that White Suit for the Mariah Video he should have been sent to jail for that alone. Everyone knows that shit doesn't go with your complexion. And by complexion I mean tar, this dude is so dark he looks like Charcoal, or better yet a Raven. I seriously haven't called anyone a Raven or the Color Purple since high school, thats how much I hate this dude.



Thats it im done Fuck Gucci Mane, Fuck those Dudes who ride for him, and Fuck those people that catch feelings about the shit i wrote. The only thing that was worth while that Gucci has gave us is the debut of Eddie Murphy's daughter and Wacka Flacka Flame. Seriously that little white baby getting down to the boy Wacka makes me laugh every time. And with that im out people Fuck Gucci Mane.


- S. Beamin
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The Chick on My Mind... Freida Pinto

This ones for Trav, I usually dont do request but, Trav drove me to my car when it was raining so i didn't fuck up my crispy SB dunks. So here we go the chick on my mind is Freida Pinto and make no mistake she is probably the hottest Indian Chick i've seen born in 82 since Millie Patel. What up Millie everyone said you were too old for me but the Millie and Willie connection was always there. Back to the topic at hand our lovely Ms. Pinto yeah I know the name evokes memories of a beat up car, but once you see this chick all you'll want to do is beat up here box. Seriously I dont know if she's been in anything but Slumdog Millionaire but if some director doesn't get here nude soon I don't know what's going on with this world.

Seriously people I used to be afraid of the Curry Cooch, I even took a pledge to avoid the Punjabi Pussy and man you don't even know what I missed out on. The world needs to embrace the Indian Hottie it is a must seriously there is like one well known Indian Pornstar out there and that shit aint right my Indian brothers need some mainstream stuff too. Now Pinto is a whole different breed she's the type of Indian chick you put up with certain shit for. Her Parents' house smells a little funny deal with it, food a little too spicy for you get over it, and those movies make no damn since fake it. Seriously look at her I would even put up with a hairier than expectable by 2010 standards.



This is the only Indian chick who I have ever seen pull off American Pin-Up style. It just gets me thinking about all the things I could get her to get dressed up in when we get together. And Im not talking just about Jasmine from Aladdin costumes or even a Pocahontas costume just for the play on red dot or feather. Im talking astronauts and Aliens the best part is painting her body then licking it off. Now I digress, because word on the street is she is still fucking with that big nosed skinny kid from the movie. Fuck that's not even a challenge I would feel bad for the kid actually, in reality i feel bad for him now if he thinks he can hang on to that piece of ass.



Well there you go the first ever request for a Chick on my Mind blog, and for a chick who wasn't on my mind i'd say I did a pretty good job. Yep so that's me patting myself on the back, this one was for you T. Redd I hope you enjoyed it. If you know how to actually get in contact with me and have a request I just might fufill yours too.



- S. Beamin
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Cunt of the YEAR 2009....Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab

This is possibly the dumbest motherf*cker alive. I don't care if you are like clinically depressed. Who gives a f*ck? Not me or anyone in this world. His thought process was completely ridiculous. "Oh. no one cares about me. I am going to bomb a plane. Not just any plane. One that is going to the USA on the most joyous day of the year. In the name of ALLAH. Praise be to Allah. Salake ka Salem.' and all that muslin bulsh*t. (disclaimer: I respect all religions, but in this case I may have been a little insensitive......bite me okay)

WTF. Depressed people get on meds not try to bomb planes post 9/11. Look at Owen Wilson for instance. He tried to kill himself not other people. That's what depressed do. Let this be known....F*ck Al-Qaeda. Those are some crazy muslims. Like to the extreme. Terrorizing the world and sh*t. George Bush had the right mindset to rid the world of them all. So now we have extra security measures to get on planes and sh*t. Thank you, you dumb ass motherf*cker.

If you ever get out of prison, I will hunt you down and kick your ass. Tell your buddies in that desert company of yours that we will hunt them down and eat their hearts for dinner. Also, who wants to Bomb Detriot? There is nothing there. It is the unemployment capital of the US. More importantly, you are not Arab and do not have a beard thats 2 feet long. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror. You are African. Do some bad sh*t because countries are robbing you of your natural resources.

-Uncle Booze

Back from the Wilderness

Alot of people have been asking where is S. Beamin? Some people thought I had given this shit up, some people thought I finally put my trust in a big butt and a smile causing me to slow down, some people thought my antics had caught up with me and I was dead. None of those things are true though the fact is my job moved me out into the boonies, yes i am now a resident of Louisiana. Not fun Louisiana but fuck it, this is no mans land Louisiana. So you know what that means yep the adventures will be only getting worse as I deal with these country fucks. The thing about it is I was so pissed when I got here I automatically left. Yeah I stayed the night woke up and drove to New Orleans.

New Orleans is the place where I effectively went into hiding I threw out a few tweets but nothing of true value, you know why, because I got fucked up. Im talking Sugar Bowl, New Years, Casinos and a bunch of Aggies fucked up. Have you ever partied with a bunch of Bearcats who have never won anything they get loose. I was out here wildin with Ohio women one chick got me to play her husband for the night and she even did some of her wifely duties while at Pat O's. But my friends from Aggie Land get down too, we shut Pat O's down im talking thirty bottles of Champagne, me taking down a bottle of Jameson, and the rest of the crew making sure Pat O's had no more Hurricanes left. I got fucked up, I got lost, and some how I got found.

The next day started off just ass fucked as we ate, drank Bloody Marys, and hit Bourbon for 12 straight hours. After the clubs kicked us out we tried to go to Rick's Cabaret, but as usual I got kicked out. It was one of the many times i got kicked out of places that weekend but every time I deserved it. One time I got kicked out of a bar went to the hotel switched sweaters and went right back in cause thats the shit I do. Well the lastnight in New Orleans I wandered the streets doing things Im not quite comfortable talking about so you know it's bad.

Being the guy I am I rallied got on the road and burned down the highway, in fact I was doing so much that I got a speeding ticket in some bum fuck Parish that I have to take care of. When I finally woke up after arriving at my apartment I went to the grocery store mind you it was 8 O'clock and there was none in this mother fucker. I mean this shit was dead as fuck it was me and 4 cashiers. Back at home the Grocery just gets poppin at 8 because we are all buying booze, and speaking of booze one of the best things about this town is they sell hard liquor everywhere. When I mean everywhere I mean if they sell food they have some liquor on hand Gas Station Check, Grocery Store Check, Bodega Check, the liquor stores have a drive through just to compete.

The town is boring but im getting over it I met some decent people who might be able to get down with this S. Beamin thing. The worst shit was I couldn't find a decent barber until today, so you know I was looking like Randy Moses long lost cousin. The shit was wild I had these crazy bitches coming out the word works getting at your boy. When I say out the wood works I mean straight Appalachian Mountain type hoes.There are some crazy mother fuckers out here though, I have never heard the word Coon Ass and Redneck thrown around with so much affection it's scary. And I dont understand half these Coon asses when they talk either so that shit is fun. Oh and did i mention it snowed on Tuesday and my Plasma is on the floor fuck it such is life.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter everybody's doing it