7th Floor Crew

Apparently, the University of Miami's football team think they are rappers. This sh*t is actually f*cking funny. I send my thanks to the Dirty, he told me about this on Twitter. I could completely agree with some of the lyrics. It reminds me of my glory days. Sorry women for the harsh lyrics, but you have heard worst. Some of you have actually done worst. I am almost sure of it.

-Uncle Booze

Chicks throwing up in my bed (It’s my fault not theirs)

About two years ago a string of events started happening that has for some reason continued to this day. It happens to be that women are throwing up in beds today with reckless abandon. Before the first experience, I had gone 22 years without a chick puking within my eyesight. I was living a charmed life some might say. The problem is that I bring this situation on myself as I drink like a man my size should. I happen to encourage people to do the same. This is a problem when I’m hanging out with women less than half my size.

The first incident must be qualified as an outlier. One there was no romantic relations, two she was going to throw up in the bathroom except for my drunk goading, and three I was not in the bed at the time. It was still hilarious though as she proceeded to spew Rose on my mink bed spread. It was funny that night, but no so funny the next day as I drove to the cleaners with a mink reeking of wine and stomach acid.

The second incident was again my fault, but this time all of the above facts were not included. Lets be honest if you come home with me and we take a bottle of Jack to the bedroom, I think you should be able to handle yours. I should have known I was in trouble as soon as she said she had the spins. My friend Rick had told me a similar story similar to the one I was currently in, but unlike him I forged ahead. I soon realized I should have stopped, as she turned green right in front of me. Be the quick acting guy I am, I shoved her off me and was only hit in the eye side by her projectile vomit. My bed was again ruined, so I proceeded to put her in time out downstairs and have her call for a ride. By the time I got out of the shower, she was gone and never to be heard from again which was quite pleasing. My housekeeper Renya on the other hand was not too pleased when she had to clean my room the next morning. Thank God for guest rooms.

The third and latest incident is probably the worst one and craziest sh*t ever. Once again my friend Jamison got me and another young lady into trouble. This young lady unlike the rest showed no signs of becoming the triplet in this saga, but she gave me all she had. It was crazy because when she bumped her head she didn’t want to stop. It looked like something might be wrong when I looked in her eyes and boy was I right. She literally threw up in my face. I’m talking a stream of raunch that had me one inch from breaking my record of Puke free since 03. I have never drinking that much Listerine in my life. I actually got drunk I drank so much. She was fine slight concussion maybe, but we said our goodbyes and I moved to the cleaning process. All is good, but I think that arrangement isn’t going much further.

I, in no way shape or form, blame these women now that I think about it because it’s my fault. I am the common string between all these situations; I literally have gone too far. No more my friends, if a chick drinks whiskey of any kind with me from no on we do it at her house. Seriously, cleaning puke from my bed is not happening again anytime soon.

- S. Beamin

Facebook Login Drama

Apparently, my account has been compromised. I received a message from a friend and it started to send the very same message to my friends. WTF. I did a little research and it is called "phished." I am like it is one thing after the other. I tried resetting my password. The sh*t worked for a week. Today, the sh*t wouldn't let me log in and Facebook claims I have exceeded the number of password resets. Now, I cannot log into my account. Submitted one of those forms to Facebook nothing yet. Should they be pros at this sh*t by now?

What I have learned? Sh*t happens people, get over it, and move on. Don't click on links that look crazy. I actually thought it was the Hoopz porn. I know, shame on me. I just wanted to see what all the hype was about. After all, she was a professional dancer before, right? You know how I feel about those type of entertainers. They deserve some more respect or some sh*t like that. At this very moment, I am drinking a brew and preparing for a glorious evening. I just hope the damn sh*t is not spamming my friends that would be horrible. I will keep you posted. However, If you do not hear from me in a few days, I am wrestling Alaskan polar bears. It's a hobby I developed over the years. Those damn bears get me every time.

-Uncle Booze

What Happened to Magic Markers

Seriously people, what happened to magic markers. I mean I fill like I missed out. Oh yeah, I’m talking about getting high while writing and coloring. I got hosed I tell you by growing up in the era of the Sharpie. Those pieces of sh*t just give me headaches with no benefit. Seriously, I spent a day smelling and writing with those sh*ts and got nothing. I got nothing, but a headache ten times worse than my worst hangovers.

I am no quitter though and went to try out my Prima Markers. I use for sketching and shoe customization. Once again nothing but a stank @ss smell headache. So I’m on a search for Magic Markers people. I mean I’m going on EBay, garage sales, old art supply shops, and Craigslist. If you have some from your hippy parents’ days let me know cause I’m trying to get them up off you.

-S. Beamin

Boondocks Spoof #1

(Note: Boondocks belong to whoever has rights to it..... aaron mcgruder. However, the voice belongs to Uncle Booze.

Enjoy.

-Uncle Booze

Don't Take Ambien in the Middle of the Day

I sometimes come to the blog to teach you people life lessons and this is one of those times. People do not I repeat do not take Ambien in the middle of the day. I unfortunanently did this dumb @ss sh*t last week and I lost a f*cking day. Not because I fell asleep, but because I didn’t. I slept walked through an entire day. This is dangerous when you are S. Beamin; because I do dumb things when I’m at full capacity. At half mass, I’m a walking disaster. I took those bad boys around 11 thinking I could take a mean mid day nap not only did that not happen, but I stayed up and started drinking. This was a huge mistake, because I don’t know what happened next.

I’m talking memory gaps that could be filled with a cruise liner. I woke up in my car driving, yes driving. Not from anywhere but from school. Yeah I went to class. Me and my car were speeding through a school zone listening to Metallica; I blasted a napkin in my hand filled with blood. Blood from my mouth, I knew not just from the taste in my mouth, but because I then coughed up some more blood for the h*ll of it. Thankfully, I got home safe took, a shot of Patron, and opened up my backpack. MacBook was still there, so was my Ipod Touch and a spiral full of notes. Not only did I go to class, but also I took notes. These particular notes were coherent yet not in my handwriting. Not like the chick next to me took notes and gave them to me, but my hand writing just better.

Yes, loyal readers my handwriting gets better when I’m zoned out of my mind. I should have stopped there, but I then proceeded to go to the local super market, eat all the free food, and knocked down cereal & toilet paper. I then proceeded to party the Wednesday night away. The problem with sleep walking through parties and bad sex (I’m talking terrible) is that I was in no way or shape tired. This meant no sleep and I passed out at 10 the next morning in the study lounge.

So unlike all the fun pills you can do please read the instructions to your sleeping pills. All that other stuff we do is cool though.

- S. Beamin

Bully Beat Down...Give me an UFC Fighter!!!!!

Lately, I have had some time to watch TV and came across this show that showcases cowards wanting help with a bully. These are grown f*cking men getting bullied. WTF. That is pretty pathetic. I think MTV needs to give me an UFC fighter. Not just any fighter Chuck Liddel. Why you ask?

The 1st thing I would do is rob a bank. Yes, rob a bank with Chuck Liddel. Chuck would kick everyones' @ss in like 5 minutes. BAM (like the old Batman show) against all the guards. After he is done opening up a can of whop @ss, I would grab the money and continue our streak of terror.

Next, I would rob Best Buy of all of its electronics and resale them on eBay, while Chuck continues to whop @ss. Chuck would 1st kick through those sliding doors of the blue and yellow store. Karate chop the guard. One down two to do. Chuck would then run to the second guard and jump kick his @ss. Lastly, Chuck would round house the last guard. Similar to how I would kick Chuck Norris' @ss.

Then, we would rob the nearest liquor distribution center. The one that has my best friends in stock... Jim Bean, Jack Daniels, and Johnny Walker. There wouldn't be any guards, but we would have to hurry before the cops get there. Once, I have gathered my lifetime supply of BOOZE GLORIOUS BOOZE, we would meet up to discuss our next rain of terror.

Lastly, I would take down the Mexican drug cartel just to right all the wrong I had previously done. I would then redistribute the drugs to other crime organizations to make a profit. I only wanted to take down the Mexican drug cartel because I want to go to Cancun. I know you are all wondering how the h*ll are we going to do this without getting shot or without any guns. Easy motherf*ckers, it's Chuck Liddel. Chuck Liddel can travel faster than Superman, Judo chop bullets, crush the skulls of babies just by breathing, and beat the f*ck out of anyone in hand to hand combat.

-Uncle Booze

Tales of Drunken S. Beamin

Once upon a time in my youth, I went to Cancun for the third time with some of my friends to get trashed and jump up on some strange. Well, I got really drunk, as usual, for seven days and seven nights, but on the sixth day something special happened. I had my first bout with true evil. I’m talking the beast within came loose and struck out.

It all happened on a bus, as we moved to the next watering hole. A kindly old lady came and sat down behind. As usual, drunk me paid her no mind. This was until we made it to her stop; this is when the darkness inside me struck. For some reason, I looked down at my foot that was strewn in the aisle and couldn’t move it. My mind said move it; my heart said I should, but nothing happened. Then all of a sudden a voice came into my mind and said, "F*ck go ahead and trip her. DO IT!" I then watched as this old lady proceeded to catch her cane and foot on mine and tumble to the floor of the bus. I then swiftly retracted my leg and looked around in complete horror, as she screamed Spanish profanities at me.

She then decided the thing to do was point at me and blame me for her actions. I of course denied, denied, denied, that is my motto in life. Inside, I knew I did it and smiled a little to myself as I had embraced evil for the first time.


- S. Beamin

Beer Goggles Playing Tricks with My mind Part 1

We have all fallen victim to the legendary beer goggles. I have been a victim of this worthy adversary for years. Can you imagine the damage it has done to me over the years? One sloppy fat chick after the other. One tip drill* after the other. One Whoopi Goldberg looking chick after the other. Oh the horrors. Oh the horrors.

Well some of that didn't happen to me because I mastered the art of beer googles. I simply ask my designated driver if the chick is worth my time. This person must be someone you can trust because I got sent off big time my sophomore year and sometimes after that; but who is counting. I trusted this guy like he was my brother and I fell victim to his trickery. Tommer, I owe you one! Watch your back hommie! UM HAHAHAHA UM HAHAHA......

I woke up the next morning next to the worst thing I could have done in my entire life. F*ck all the dumb stuff I have done. If the condom broke, I could have had an half ugly child. Booze Jr., I will never do that to you in a million years. I remember the morning vividly.....It was like 5am I woke up like who the f*ck is this next to me? She turned around for the moment of truth...... WTF. I told her to call a cab because she was too ugly to get in my car for me to take her home. She called the cab and I never saw her again. To this day, I regret that day and I am extremely thankful that it did not turn out all bad. Mystery lady, if you are reading this. I meant no harm. I just had to get that sh*t off my chest. I think there is someone out there for you, but you might have to go on the set of Star Wars to meet Chewbacca (biatch).

-Uncle Booze

*It must be your @ss because it is not your face!

PS. She wasn't as big as those ladies in the picture but her waist was like 3 to 5 inches bigger than mine! Oh the horrors. There are more to come, if I can remember the sh*t.

The Chick on My Mind..... Rosa Acosta

Damn boys its been two weeks without a chick of the week so in celebration of my entry into the 24 club i'm bringing heat that's right two in one week. Her name is Rosa Acosta and boy, boy, boy does she have all the tools needed to receive the S. Beamin seed. I mean not only does this chick have body, sexy accent, but she got that good hair Lil S Dot is going to need to take over the world. When I was young, I thought I was going to knock up a Samoan b*tch. You know for the combo of good hair and warrior spirit, but I think Rosa has changed my mind.
This Dominincan Chick is not only beautiful, but she used to be a ballerina. I don't even know if I should say used to be a ballerina, but at this point I don't care. You know that ballerinas be flexible as h*ll and fit as f*ck. I'm throwin a "bunch of cards" down on the table right, but damn it i'm all in on this one.
Now, some of you may have been looking at these pictures like come on Beamin I think she's fire, but you out here talkin inferno. Well, my friends as people say the proof is in the pudding, or in this case the YouTube clip. Oh boy, when I saw this sh*t, this sh*t right here, I was sold. Honest to God, this is what started this whole trip down Rosa lane. Dj play the video.

It's ok. I couldn't stand for a minute either, but when your done, stand on up and give that sh*t a round of applause. Yes, stomp a fire out for that @ss. Did you see all those moves? Well sir, I did and you know what I liked it. Them titties, that @ss, those legs man it was all there. She was looking good and did you notice the wardrobe change. A girl after my own true heart jumping from sexy to sexier is always a ten in my book. And you know there was even more fire video that YouTube took down because it was too reckless.
So my friends, I need to let you know that she is hands off. I mean, if I see here in the club and you look her way it's over. When we start dating if you try to send her a drink it's over. If you try to chat her up at lil S Dot's pee wee football game it's over. If you even smile at her wrong during our soon to be world famous dinner parties it's over. I'm glad we are all clear on the new Rosa Acosta guidelines, goodnight, and good luck.

Im goin in

- S. Beamin

The Chick on My Mind....Unknown

This is the first time I'm putting up a chick that is truly unknown to me. I'm not talking little known model or someone from a foreign land that no one knows about. I'm talking about a chick who I don't know a single thing about. Seeing as this is the first of two chicks on my mind post, I feel I need to go with heat. This chick is a combination of ethnic groups that I have never seen come together in this form. People who know me know I have a fascination with hair and chick combination that do not occur in nature. This on the outset looks to be one of them, but she is so fine I think i've actually tricked myself into not caring about those roots. Well f*ck it, I don't care because look at them tits.

Look your boy is just taking clues from pics, but I think she might have some French in her. I don't know for sure. I imagine she can speak the language though. No matter how many times those damn frogs surrender, they always bring the heat with their chicks. We all know the accent they role gives them the power to melt butter in their mouthes. So, I'm trying to test that theory out while I'm getting some knowledge. Viva La France, don't get me wrong it all about the chicks, I don't even get down with too much French food. After Steak Tartar and Duck, they really lose me, but back to the chick at hand look at them tits oh and to be nice look at those eyes. Naw f*ck it look at them tits.
Oh and her friend is fire too. Yes boys, this seems to be stacking up as one of the worlds greatest three ways ever. Not just because I'm involved, but because this might be the team up that actually deserves to share your boy S. Beamin. Look at the heat she is bringing right her with her chick at the club; so it's hands down go time. If any of my acolytes have anymore information let your bot know. It's for the betterment of mankind.

- S. Beamin

M.I.L.F of the Week #5

I love Italian food, but I love everyday Italian. More so the woman, she is my Sunday delight. Yes. I watch the food network every sunday morning before church just to lust over this Italian dish (metaphor for chick). The world might know her as Giada De Laurentiis, but I like to call her "Cook for Me and I will repay you later Woman." She is a fine little thing that will get it if I ever met her. On top of things, she can cook. I always work up an appetite after I get done fornicating.

Scenario....

Her, " Uncle Booze I am done cooking your chicken parmesan!"

Me, " Oh I cannot wait. Your are the best cook on the planet and you are extremely hot."

Her (chuckling), " Oh stop it. Just make sure you give me the best desert I have had this week." Me," Woman I have been preparing this dessert all day and you know how we Americans roll!"

Fast forward 5 minutes...

Her, "Uncle Booze you didn't eat your dinner and skipped straight to dessert."

Me, " Ladies first and the dinner is for when I work up an appetite. Now scream my name woman."

Her, " OH UNCLE BOOZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I know I should write a porn, but right now it is just not my cup of tea. She has been coined my M.I.L.F. of the week and I do not think anyone would disagree. Giada if you are reading this, email me and we can discuss what you need to do in order to make the above scenario a reality.

-Uncle Booze

I’m not trying to get you drunk to sleep with you I’m just trying to get you drunk

Ladies when I get you a drink don’t automatically think it’s because I’m trying to sleep with you. If I’m trying to sleep with you Ho I’ll tell you, because I don’t like to pussy foot around. More than likely, the reason I brought you a drink is one of two reasons. Reason one you are boring and/or a b*tch either way alcohol will make you more fun. It will take that broad stick you have in your @ss and if you’re lucky get it replaced by another type of wood. Two, it might even help you from looking like I sh*t in your birthday cake. I’m sorry honey you are never going to get a man with that permafrown on your face.
Now that you have your drink ,I hope you will get drunk so that I can bang your friends brains out; while you lay quietly in the backseat passed out. If not hopefully you’ll be drunk enough not to care that while I hit your friend from the back and I smash her face into your crotch. Trust me you’ll like it and more than likely thank me with a blowjob. See, I wasn’t actually trying to sleep with you just get you drunk.


- S. Beamin

My Love for Breast is Overwhelming

I love me some breast, they are the best things women have ever brought to the world. Not that women have never brought anything to the world, just nothing good that’s all I’m saying. It is such a crazy thing that women who are for most of the day are useless are equipped with god’s finest gift ever. I’m just saying they can be soft or firm, big or small, bouncy or not, I mean they are so versatile that women can’t go anywhere without them.

In the last few weeks though I have been going around just staring at breast. No matter where I am, I’m looking at tits. I was in church the other day trying to clean off some of the filth from my life and they were everywhere. I don’t even know what the sermon was about. All I could here was grab them titties. I went to the mall and I found myself wishing I was this ladies baby, because he got to suck on a titty in the middle of the day......in public. I was ten seconds from slapping that titty out of the baby’s mouth and taking my rightful place with the titty.

The tit has a hold of me people, you know those lines at Popeye’s they are all my fault. I was staring at the clerk’s rack and thinking about greasing them bad boys up with chicken grease. It was amazing. I had visions of slathering those globes with ranch dressing and going to town. Seriously, when food play comes into my sex fantasies, I think I need to take a step back from the tit.

But looking at those sweater puppies right there I’m never going to stop. I will love and caress the tit until the day I die. I’m serious. I will hire a big titted nurse as I’m dying and she will be required to make her breast available to me at all time. More than likely she’ll be a hooker with no nursing experience, but that sh*t is neither here nor there when it comes to my love for ta tas.


- S. Beamin

F*ck Equifax. They are the worst

Last summer, your boy Booze got his credit report and to his surprise a motherf*cker had a credit card under his name that was past due. WTF. How could this be? I told the Experian that that wasn't me and they took the sh*t off. So did TransUnion, but not Equifax. The motherf*ckers still have the sh*t on there a year later. Does Uncle Booze have to slap a b*tch in here? I called Equifax and got a representative. Apparently, all the credit bureaus outsource to non-english speaking countries because I kept getting people who "speakit no englis". How troublesome?

The lady ask me some confidential info to verify it was me. I gave her the information she needed without getting irate. But she pushed me over the edge after I gave her the account that was not mine and she continued to ask me for the account number and ect. I said, " Listen c*nt if I had the account information do you think I would be disputing it? The sh*t is not me or mine. You keep asking me that very same question and I give you the same answer. If you ask me that question one more time, I will go ape sh*t on your foreign @ss!!!!!!!!"

You know what she had the nerves to do??? Ask me, " Do yous a have the account information?Like the account number?" This was like the 10th time during our 5 minute conversation. This b*tch is a legitimate retard. I meant b*tch in the most respectful way. I love the ladies. I told her to just put in the dispute and to give me the confirmation number. These people need to be properly trained. It is a huge inconvenience to try to understand them. No offense to foreigners, but this one lady was f*cking horrible.

-Uncle Booze

I Ain't Trying to be No Father

Thank You Planned Parenthood for making what might be the advertisement of the year. Yes, people they are not only helping to keep me from having a money grubbing seed too early, but they are also telling h*es to let me stick it in their butts. Oh yes people this type of greatness only comes around every so often and this is one of those times. Come to think of it all the commercials that are trying to protect me from having kids are hilarious. I think someone out there knows something about me and kids, because for the next five to ten years me and a lil S. Beamin is not a good combo.



Take for instance that kid up there. You know what I would have done I would have simply picked up a glass and shoved in the kid's mouth sideways, Goodfellas style. Those other parents looking around would have got their first lesson in Beamin's kid training. I have been seriously thinking about choking my kid when he's young to let him know I hold his life in my hands forever. It would be a 21st century fear of god thing, I think it could work.



This kid I don't mind that much, because he's getting in where he fits in. He has found that lil S. Beamin inside him and has taken advantage of this ho's weakness. Another thing, you know pops ain't mad about sh*t, because he is smashing way more than any married man I know. It's simple though people I don't need kids and if you're reading this you probably don't need kids. Why you ask, because any responsible person would have stopped reading this awhile ago.

- S. Beamin

The Original Power Rangers...I am the Red ONE.. to this day

I am not ashamed to admit that I was a huge Power Rangers fan growing up. I still have the original movie on VHS (in storage I think). I had all of the action figures and zoids thanks to my loving family. Thank grandma and parents for spending all that money, I have nothing to show for it now. The red ranger was the best. Everyone wanted to be Tommy the white/green/ I changed my color 12 times during the show. Not me, I always wanted to be the leader.

The show was semi corny when the rangers were getting there @sses handed to them. Sparks would fly everywhere as the look like they were having a seizures on the ground. Especially when they fought without morphing. Why did they want to do that dumb sh*t. I use to watch like morph motherf*ckers morph. But that didn't happen. The black guy Zack went down first. Ironically, he was the black ranger and a f*cking masterdom. Then Billy homo @ss, the blue ranger, would lose the battle. Then the two chicks... the pink and yellow rangers. I don't remember their names because they changed them like every three episodes, but they were quite flexible. The only reason I know the others is because it came up on google. Maybe they deserve to be featured in my M.I.L.F. of the week now (the former pink and yellow rangers they are probably over the hill now)?!?!?!?! One was white and the other was Asian. But the one who did not go down with the rest of them was the red ranger. That dude was like f*ck Ivan Ooze; I will karate chop your @ss.

Speaking of Ivan Ooze, he was my role model. The guy went for whatever he wanted. Like if the guy wanted Halle Berry, he would simply go after her. That I can completely agree with, Halle Berry. The thing that pissed me off about this guy was he didn't think things all the way through. He half way did things. If I had his power, I would round up all the hot M.I.L.F.S. of the world and make them have a KY battle. Battle royal style. Better yet Old Skool the Movie style. The Power Rangers wouldn't stop that at all, but they would enjoy it. The pink and yellow ranger would probably participate. Maybe they always wanted to role play.

-Uncle Booze

Drinking 24 in 24 While Watching 24 and Turning 24

Some of you may know that the 22nd of May in the year of our Lord 1985 S. Beamin was born. We now stand on the brink of history as the Earth is orbiting the Sun for the 24th time in all those years. How else would we celebrate such a stupendous occasion, but by getting totally obliterated. What is my plan you ask, well lt me explain it too you.

The day will revolve around the number 24. So the day before, I will be sleeping as long as possible. At midnight, I will arise and crack open my first beer. Your fearless leader will then stay up for 24 straight hours with no rest. Also, every hour on the hour I must start drinking a beer. So that means every hour, I must finish at least one beer. In my fridge currently is a variety of beers ranging from different versions of Shiner, to Harps, to Dutch Beer, and even a few auxiliary cans of Bud Light to Shotgun when times get rough. I will also be buying a bottle of that new Belvedere IX that I wrote about earlier, just to spice things up.

The culmination to my plan is to watch a complete season of the acclaimed TV show 24. Yeah thats right an entire day of Jack Bauer and the Black President. You know that means explosions, shootouts, torture, and dumb b*tches that won't get out of Jack's way. Well People, wish me luck because the 22nd of May 2009 is about to be a celebration b*tches!

-S. Beamin

Please Stop with the Braids

This sh*t has got to stop, everything runs its course and braids have ran their course. Seriously, this braids sh*t is the worst it. So outdated that it can't be revived. I understand you had your time in the sun, but that sh*t was the nineties and it is over. I'm going to talk about all three groups of Braid wearers who all suck for different reasons, but they suck nonetheless.
The first group is dudes, I know you all followed your boy A.I. and got braided up, but like his career, your braids are dead. You dudes with Braids have been passed up by everyone else who is alive in the game. Just look at the track record you lost Luda, then your King Allen Iverson left and he took Carmelo with him, and finally you even lost Trey Songz.
When the one man given a pass by Drake lets go of the Braids you know it's over. It looks like he realized he couldn't be running with the Ocean's crew looking like a damn fool.
The second group is the young black woman, now you guys are the closes to getting a pass, but not here. I'm saying this sh*t is just plain lazy, it looks like sh*t, and it takes hours to do. So, I say why do it? Just blow that shi*t out if you have hair and if you don't rock the short Keri Hilson look.
You know what? I hate braids so much i'm giving chicks who are sevens a chance to wear short cuts. Yes it's that bad, a qualification of a nine is usually required for the short cut, but I have to kill the braid quick fast. Seriously, some of you are just getting knocked off the list of up and coming S. Beamin concubines by wearing those dumb @ss braids.
The third and most egregious offenders of the braids has to be the White chick on vacation. Please for the love of god you people are making the biggest mistake every time you sit down in that old Jamaican lady's chair and let her put beads in your hair. Also has anyone else noticed that they all have that white mannequin head on the table, that sh*t is scary. Back to these white chicks though, I know what you're going for and you can't pull it off.
Seriously, you are no Bo Derrick, ad to be honest the only reason Bo Derrick pulled it off was because cameras sucked back then. You bitches want to know what you really look like? You look like them damn albino twins from the Matrix.
Yeah thats what grown @ss men see when you go out and do that sh*t, you should be out their tanning topless. (I hate pale tits on a tan chick ewwww). Instead your running around looking like a crazy teleporting twin. The sh*t is not attractive, even if i got you naked would you phase through my "Johnson" if I hit it too hard.
Some of you may ask what about the white dudes with braids, well he knows he's a Douche bag just like the White Rastafari. For the rest of you, you have been warned so if I see you in the streets, I just might snatch your braids out.

- S. Beamin

King Buffet Takes Me On....

I am a very cultured person that loves all ethnic foods. I have never eaten Indian food. I have heard rumors that Americans' stomachs are not strong enough for that sh*t. I believed it so, I do no think I would ever try that sh*t that gives you instantaneous irritable bow syndrome. Count me out. Just yesterday, I went to this all you can eat Chinese buffet........King Buffet aka "Your stomach will fear me later." Man did it do a number on me.

Before I knew it, I was in the restroom and one of the ladies came in to ask, "R's Yous Okay?" I replied, " Your food is a SPAWN OF LUCIFER." Then she said, "I not know what yous a mean." I said," Lady, let me be. Can't you hear I am busy in hear." I was literally in the restaurant's restroom for like 20 minutes contemplating whether or not I need to call the ambulance to rescue me from the abyss. I think my man Richard Pryor explains it best (listen below).

I have learned my lesson. Just because it is all you can eat, does not mean you can sit there for lunch and dinner. I know what you are thinking, but this particular buffet had a full bar. It is a recession people and it was a win win situation for me. To top things off, there was an abundance of crab legs. Anyone you know would have done the same thing. I just recommend that you line your stomach up with some grease and do not eat Taco Bell for Brunch like I did. We all know that you can't mix cultures like that; it must be done in a systematic order. Not sure how, but as I continue to mix them I will inform you.

-Uncle Booze

8 Vicodin are one too many

Here is a little lesson from your Uncle S Dot about taking painkillers, everything in moderation. First, we all know taking painkillers is fun; so if one is good, two must be better, but there is a number where you are going to get into to trouble. The number that I found to be troubling is eight. Now this is in no way a number for everyone it’s just mine. The problem is you don’t know until you do it, which can fun and dangerous.

I took eight in a two-hour period and the first hour was a ton of fun, buzzed out of mind, then I was blitzed. In a few moments, I was the life of the party. The next part is where the story goes horribly a rye. I didn’t know like most youthful offenders that Vikes actually have a component that attacks your heart. So mine went into overdrive to protect itself. I’m talking rapid then slow beating to the point this sh*t laid me out. I’m not going to lie and say it wasn’t scary, but I did get extra female attention that night. So, the glass was half full.

Hey, I almost died. So, now I no longer abuse drugs. I just use them for fun. Hey kids, don’t do drugs, but have fun with life. S Dot is not you I can do more than you, better than you and go harder than you.


-S. Beamin

What a day

I usually don't say this but Fuck the bullshit! Today it's all heat, because not only was I blessed by a new version of the Whooty video, but also the return of the Twerk Team. You know what fuck it no more talk watch the videos.




Good Lord you ever feel happy and warm all over, well thats how I feel right now. Dammit I was going to save this for the morning, but I can't wait.


You thought it was over, but no it keeps going. I've never thanked NT before, but Thank YOU!
- S. Beamin

Protestors Against Obama at Notre Dame....False Catholics

What is wrong with people these days? People protested against President Obama at Notre Dame. Why? Because the man is pro- choice. In my opinion some of these Catholics have the game all f*cked up. To be quite frank, some of the chicks that were holding up signs against our "Fearless Leader of the Free World (President Obama)" were probably a huge suppoter of YAZ; a form of birth control that can easily translate into pro-choice. By this, I mean they use birth contol themselves and are pro-choice. I would go a step further to say about 40% of the women had an abortion themselves. Yes I said it. We all know sh*t happen, but this is taking it a step further. I do not believe it was an abortion issue, but a race issue. Who am I to put up such alogations?? Hear my logic.

Every year we hear about these child molesting priest, some have even been found in the Vatican. These guys go around and commit the most horried crime known to man. Some even have the audacity to come out of the closet. May Mary Madeline rest their souls. What do the Catholic Church do????? Absolutely nothing. They do nothing poeple. Maybe change the location of the priest home church or ask him to step down, not remove them. That sh*t is backwards as h*ll. These shameful priest are of anglo-saxon decent. Now, if you was a man of color...anyone color..... you choose. The outcome would have been completely different.

My advice to all the false Catholics is to grab your f*cking balls and stand behind a real issue. This has crippled your faith for generations and yet the only thing you choose to protest is a man that believe in pro-choice. WTF. False Catholics weave out the unpure and weak. Better yet, start all over. Protest against all these sick motherf*ckers hurting kids and coming out of the closet. Stop wasting your time against a man that can clearly "nuke" you without having a reason.

-Uncle Booze