DefCon Five

I have been on hiatus for a few weeks and I’ve decided to tell you why. While my boy Uncle Booze has been traveling the high seas I have been at Defcon Five. Yes my friends I have been in a deep dark place that your boy S Dot falls into every now and then. For those of you that don’t know what I mean by Defcon Five, it simply means I went to Stalker mode. Not scary I’ve got a knife and chloroform Stalker, but just watch you from afar Stalker.

It’s a sad place. It starts with me seeing a woman that is too far away for me to get too, but not so famous that I don’t think I can get her. See that is where the problem arises for me. I can get chicks and high quality chicks at that, but distance is always my problem. The easiest way is to explain the steps I go through.

Step One- I run across a picture of the chick on the net and become horribly infatuated. This leads to me and my MacBook becoming way to close as we search the net looking for more pictures of said female. Next, I’ll stop doing the bad things in my life, while preparing myself to be the better man she deserves. This quickly devolves though into a spiral of despair; where I start drinking heavily. Now, when I say drinking Heavily It’s pretty bad, because I’m a professional drinker. That includes a case of beers, a bottle of Jamison, a bottle of Rum, and in this special case old Cuervo.

Step Two- I begin to fantasize about our life together. This last for a two-hour period. This is where I drunkenly laugh at her jokes and picture lazy Sundays together doing all of our favorite things. Now by our, I mean my favorite things and what I imagine she would like to do. So that means watching Meet the Press, going to brunch with bottomless Mimosas, and then laying around all day me drinking beer, while we feed each other Anti Pasta or Guacamole depending on the mood.

Step Three- I realize this sh*t is crazy and I’m actually losing my mind. This step usually happens around day two. I get up shower, wash my hair, and go out into the sun. I make a day of it hanging out with my people hitting on chicks and getting drunk. This my loyal readers is where S. Beamin runs into a problem, because I will go home and somehow that picture that started all these problems will pop up. Now, I can’t go to sleep, without looking at it and all that hard work has gone to sh*t.

Step Four- I go through all the steps again, except this time I decide to take one of the chicks I hit on at the bar home. This makes the hollow shell of a person that I am feel better for a period of time. Just enough time to get back to a normal sense of being.

Step Five- Why this is called Defcon Five..... I wake up and am disgusted by whoever is in bed with me. Not because she’s an 8, but because she could sleep with a horror show like me. I kick her out and go on with my life hoping no one notices her or my situation.

So, I thank you J.V. for putting me in another state of Defcon Five, you weren’t the first and certainly won’t be the last. Thank God I couldn’t get tickets to the OC this weekend.

-S. Beamin