About two years ago a string of events started happening that has for some reason continued to this day. It happens to be that women are throwing up in beds today with reckless abandon. Before the first experience, I had gone 22 years without a chick puking within my eyesight. I was living a charmed life some might say. The problem is that I bring this situation on myself as I drink like a man my size should. I happen to encourage people to do the same. This is a problem when I’m hanging out with women less than half my size.
The first incident must be qualified as an outlier. One there was no romantic relations, two she was going to throw up in the bathroom except for my drunk goading, and three I was not in the bed at the time. It was still hilarious though as she proceeded to spew Rose on my mink bed spread. It was funny that night, but no so funny the next day as I drove to the cleaners with a mink reeking of wine and stomach acid.
The second incident was again my fault, but this time all of the above facts were not included. Lets be honest if you come home with me and we take a bottle of Jack to the bedroom, I think you should be able to handle yours. I should have known I was in trouble as soon as she said she had the spins. My friend Rick had told me a similar story similar to the one I was currently in, but unlike him I forged ahead. I soon realized I should have stopped, as she turned green right in front of me. Be the quick acting guy I am, I shoved her off me and was only hit in the eye side by her projectile vomit. My bed was again ruined, so I proceeded to put her in time out downstairs and have her call for a ride. By the time I got out of the shower, she was gone and never to be heard from again which was quite pleasing. My housekeeper Renya on the other hand was not too pleased when she had to clean my room the next morning. Thank God for guest rooms.
The third and latest incident is probably the worst one and craziest sh*t ever. Once again my friend Jamison got me and another young lady into trouble. This young lady unlike the rest showed no signs of becoming the triplet in this saga, but she gave me all she had. It was crazy because when she bumped her head she didn’t want to stop. It looked like something might be wrong when I looked in her eyes and boy was I right. She literally threw up in my face. I’m talking a stream of raunch that had me one inch from breaking my record of Puke free since 03. I have never drinking that much Listerine in my life. I actually got drunk I drank so much. She was fine slight concussion maybe, but we said our goodbyes and I moved to the cleaning process. All is good, but I think that arrangement isn’t going much further.
I, in no way shape or form, blame these women now that I think about it because it’s my fault. I am the common string between all these situations; I literally have gone too far. No more my friends, if a chick drinks whiskey of any kind with me from no on we do it at her house. Seriously, cleaning puke from my bed is not happening again anytime soon.
- S. Beamin
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