Morning Train Ride #2

This morning I am people watching as I commute; something that is completely normal. I always find it interesting of what you might see when you relax, sit back, and observe.

For instance, the old hag next to my is truly trying to learn how to send text messages. To be honest, she could be reading this right now, but being me, I good give two sh*ts if she saw me. Damn I guess she saw it because she started coughing. I hope she don't have SARS or swine flu. I don't want any parts of that sh*t Dewey.

Take the standing passenger directly in front of me. As the train sways back and forth, her bag consistently comes within a few inches of my face. Being the nice guys I am, I haven't told the borderline cunt that she was inadvertantly being rude. Instead I said I prayer for her. I prayer that went like this........help her to gain conscience that her bag is the size of Jason Kidd's son head; that kid's head is the size of Mount Rushmore. Help her to move out my way before I get tempted to kick her bag out my way......I would continue but you might not like the outcome.

What really pisses me off is your neighborhood beggar. I can't enjoy a morning train ride without some bum pleading to me for my hard earned dollar. It's bad enough that I have to pay taxes that then get used to help people to stay in subsidized housing..... you may know it as section 8; I know it as the unfair treatment of the middle class. These motherfuckers use my tax dollars to help the poor stay in houses that I have to pay full price for. What a fucked it system? On top of that, I feed their families too. There is nothing wrong with using aid to get back on your feet, but pass 2 generations is just plain sad. Do better.

-Uncle Booze

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

My Hiatus.....Sh*t Happens

This time I have been gone for a while because I wanted to visit the red light district of the world. Well that shit didn't go over too smoothly. I don't speak a lick of whatever they speak in Thailand. Can you imagine trying to solicit a hooker that don't know how to communicate? It's like a blind man trying to pick his favorite Porno.

The legendary journey began with me wanted to get away to a place where tail is in an abundance. I mean it's the promise land for any heterosexual male's penis. This chicks f*ck for a living. It like it what they are born to do. Run free with their urges to do shit I would never recommend the American porn industry get involved in.

Sadly to my disbelief, this chicks faces were terrible. One girl had the nerves to have a missing hand. WTF. The pimps over there need to have some class about themselves seriously. At least from what I hear, the US hookers minus the everyday crack head have all functioning body parts. Take music video models for examples, they are nice looking hookers who might make a honest living as a cover up to what really happens on those shoots. Who am I to judge. I have issues too.

Back the point, I traveled over 3000 miles when I could have just went to the local Asian restaraunt and convinced the shy little hostess to come to the car with me. Trust me there are some pretty looking hostess Asian chicks that have a very unique accent. It reminds me of the scene from Dude Where's my car..... No an den.

Now that I am back. Prepare for the entertainment to continue.

-Uncle Booze

PS- I'm back for good. I have institutionalized mobile blogging in my life.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Throwback Thursday I'm Booking the Twerk Team

This one goes out to my boy Travis, who was in the library when I stumbled upon this minor league stripper squad. I first posted these hoes in my cautionary tale to fathers about the whores their daughters will grow up to be. These chicks are taking bookings people, so you know what type of party is going down at S. Beamin's house. It will be a Twerk Team extravaganza I'm talking about Twerk session from the basement, to the backyard, up to the shoe room. Yes people I will actually sully the sanctity of my precious shoe room for a session with the captain of the Twerk Team.

All I'm saying is that ill put her in my varsity jacket for now, but over the summer i'll get her a that half jacket and skirt set so I can take her out looking right. And by looking right I mean like a whore. Seriously people this is S Dot were are talking I don't treat good girls right, so you know she gets nothing but the worst. Look at them hoes Swag Surfin I thought it was all bad when they were doing the Stanky Leg, but man I had no idea.

Oh boy I'm going to be in the A this summer so you know Friday night is Twerk Team night. I'm going to be known as Uncle Willie to these young hoes. You know that old dude at the strip club who is a regular, and knocked up the young stripper I'm that guy. Yes people I will impregnate one of those chicks and make her deal with it, your boy is not for games.
Here goes the number people 206-736-8586 or 404-200-4831, yeah people these hoes have more than one phone number you know where that cake is coming from. Ass and Tits thats all you need to make money in this world or atleast get some of S. Beamin's cash.


- S. Beamin
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Realizations in HD

Yesterday while watching The Real World on my monster HD TV I came to a realization that had been creeping into my mind, HD is not for everyone. I shouldn't say everyone I should say most people, seriously if you're on reality TV HD is a no go. If you are over 30 1080i is a no. If you are not one of the finest examples of God's work then please do not grace my TV. It started off as a Twitter rant (Follow Me it's fun), and now it's deveoled into a full blog so here are my Realizations in HD.
Before HD

After HD

Realizations in HD: There is a good reason all the old ladies on the news are getting fired it's called 1080p
Perfect example of this shit is Mika Brezinski, used to think she was a fine ass Conneticut MILF, actually she was a grainy mirage. At first I thought it was the sleep in my eyes, but as I tuned into Morning Joe after a hard night of partying the truth was revealed. Im not going to say she's a hag, but give me a big tittied Telemundo bitch who speeka no Englase any day.
Realizations in HD: If I can see your ingrown hairs in your close up step your razor game up
Seriously dude you are on national TV giving confessionals/interviews, step your Mach 5 game up. If your hand ain't steady go down and see freddy. My man freddy works the single blade and hot foam like an artist leaving your boy smooth as a baby.
Realizations in HD: Acne scars will comeback to haunt you no matter how much makeup you cake on
Your Momma told you not to pinch them pimples girl and she was right. The HD is unforgiving not only can I see your caked makeup a mile away, but also the craters in your face. You are the woman that Pro Active missed, and when I say missed I mean by a country mile.
Realizations in HD: People with pit stains think they can hide it in dark clothes, not in HD
Serioulsy Old Spice comes in a scent called mother fuckin swagger. I myself where the refined original scent that puts that old man fragrance on these pits. I rock the nicest shirts so sweat are a no no. You thought you could hide your stank ass under a black tee, wrong mother fucker. This huge as screen I have is like a maginfying glass there is no where to hide.
Realizations in HD: People with greasy skin look like fucking oil slicks
This shit is the worst it looks like the damn Exxon Valdes spilled on your face. I mean damn fuck say yes to the dress, say yes to the powder. Come on people you know they make facial cream for people with oily skin just like you. Do you fucks purposley use the regular shit like you don't have a problem. You my friend are greasier than fried chicken get a napkin
Realizations in HD: Peoples teeth are dingy as hell. Veneers and bleach for the win
Seriously some of you television personalities are spitting straight butter when you speak. The yellow mother fuckin brick road is in your grill, and it looks like Dorothy is skipping on your gums. HD is horrible for people with decent teeth too, because my shit is so bright that your regular white shits look dingy as all get out. I feel bad for them no name dudes in Ocean's 13 looking straight garbage next to the pearly whites of Brad and George. Bleach will set you free my friends.
Realizations in HD: Most chicks have terrible armpits ewwww
I don't know how you fix this, but chicks your arm pit game is atrocious. Is that a mother fuckin mole, oh it is and is that a hair growing out of it I just threw up a little in my mouth. It's not just chicks on Reality TV, but damn HD was killin these FSU chicks Monday night. Faces jacked up, hair jacked up, and that close up from below to the face that paused around the arm pit had me throwing out my guac.
I don't know what can be done about this problem other than people getting better looking. I figure this is the best plan of action for the world. So I should just sleep with a bunch of hot chicks and make HD viewing better for people for the next 40 years. I think im doing a service for the world at large so ladies you should start thanking me properly starting tonight.

- S. Beamin
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Throwback Thursday Blackman's Kryptonite

I think most people know this by now, but the Blackman’s Kryptonite is fat white women. This sh*t is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to the proud Blackman. I have been diligently working to refute this stereotype throughout my entire life by only bedding skinny or athletic white women. On the other hand, others of my ilk have fallen prey to this horrible curse and are rollin with some real heavy hitters and I don’t mean in a good way.

The vicious return of this sickness came to light after watching that gay @ss show "Taking the Stage" on MTV. While I was coming out of my Def Con Five situation, I took sometime out with a nice young lady who convinced me to stay in and watch this sh*t. Now the main character Tyler is stuck in a precarious situation, he is involved with a Cat Eyed black chick (can’t trust them) and a chubby white chick. On a side note, this show is horrible not only are they dancing, supporting gay relationships, albino white boys, but also they made a school for them.

This boy Tyler though, be trippin everyday cryin about one or another of these chicks, the young man could have a strong pimp hand, but he just can’t wield it. I actually started feeling bad for the boy. because he has it doubly hard; one he has to be strong against the Kryptonite and fight the temptation.........that is old Cat Eyes. I was even cheering for old dude once he seemed he had broke both chicks’ hearts, but no. My man fell victim to the Kryptonite once again, she then proceeded to hit him with the new heartbreak the fact that she didn’t want him. I’m surprised my boy didn’t kill himself, getting denied by a fat chick must be depressing especially since it happened on cable TV.

I hope that all my brothers follow me down the path of righteousness, and discard these fat white b*tches. I call to you Professional Athletes, Singers, Rappers, Actors, Pimps in general unite and bring an end to this sorry period in our history.
I must warn you though Yellow Kryptonite is on the horizon and your fearless leader has already tasted it. The Asian woman is the new breed. We must be aware. They will entice you with there fragile frames, submissive behavior, and tight honey comb hideouts. The problem is I don’t think there is anything wrong with them, the titties are coming along nicely and we all know the @ss is next. May the grace of God be with us brothers, for the land of the rising sun might be too powerful for all of us.


- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

The Toilet is My Escape

Today I found myself on the toilet reading emails and sh*t. I declared that this place where I choose to crap at is a sweet little spot. Some people prefer to rest their heads on bussoms or some questionable light house. I prefer the toilet.

Honestly, I just called Best Buy to see how much would it cost to get a tv in my restroom right in front of the toilet. They replonded as if they heard a strange request. People get tvs, microwaves, and fish tanks in their restrooms all the time. If it was up to me my dream house would have a stripper pole in the restroom where I weekly booty shaking competition would be held for all interested vixens.....the reward.........an opportunity to star in my first motion picture...... Bend Over and Take it. Or The Secret Life of a MILF.

-Uncle Booze

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

She is Back to What She is Born to Do....Shack it Pebbelz

I wrote about this young lady who augmented her gluteus maximus in an effort to make more money. To me that is what hookers do, but according to her bio on myspace she is not into that. I beg to differ, but her word is her bond. More importantly, her @zz is huge and her staple. Some people are born with talents and others are smart enough to buy them. She is smart enough to buy hers in my opinion. Right now, her butt is the only thing she has going for her. Some chicks has brains, along with many other talents,...... SHOUT OUT TO SUPER HEAD.........she has silicon cheeks that turns heads including mines at times. This I must admit is something that I am not proud of, but just take a look below.

Conclusion:

She is exploiting herself. At this point, she does not need a pimp. Just google her and check out her site. I rest my case. I am almost positive you would arrive at the exact same conclusion as I did.

One question:

How does she take a dump? Not to get graphic, but she has to be spending countless hours wiping.......I would let your imagination pick up from here. It is not my job to make that image for you.

-Uncle Booze

I Went to Work Today

Those of you who know me or have even read the blog regularly know I have lived a life of luxury. I mean seriously I reside in the lap of luxury. Nothing has ever been denied to your boy my wildest dreams have always come true. I have traveled the world taking in some of the greatest sites and most lavish hotels a person can imagine.
I have stayed in a castle in Banff where I splashed around in a hot tub with snow bunnies as the snow fell from the sky to the hotel Atlantis where I swam with dolphins and slid through a pool of sharks. You name it i've done it all except one thing.
That one thing would be to put in a honest days work. Now I've had internships where nothing was expected of me and my work was of no consequence. I would go into the office goof off and leave whenever I wanted. Last summer my job sent me to China some of you might know what happened, but if you don't I fuckin boozed my life away and looked at the sites. YEah I got paid to go to China, go to buffets of beer, and then look at a kick ass ninja show. All they asked for was a ten minute report which ended up being me and my boss talking about when he would send me back.
Today though was different, today I went to a fulltime position where I didn't know anyone and was just a regular employee. It was fucking crazy people actually wanted me to learn shit and be ready to work. I'm the second highest ranked person at the branch, but I don't know shit. You know what happens when you don't know shit you actually have to listen and apply yourself. So today for the first time in God knows when I did just that I applied myself. Fuck am I tired, even with my boss telling me I could take off early, because traffic was going to suck. Oh yeah on the traffic issue, people drive your fucking cars, don't look around, don't text, and let people in when you see a blinker you fucks. Back to work the people are nice the workplace is interesting and fun, there are no chicks, but I saw a picture so I might start plotting. (not her, but similar I have a Spanish type)

Im tired as shit so I'll be going to sleep and waking up at 6 am again so fuck me, no really this weekend someone is going to fuck me. I'm getting paid so Im going in!

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

labor day

This is a day to celebrate. Despite I haven't put any chicks in the ER with my seed. Grateful the birth control works and shit. However, I still have not left the crib. Similar to a 30 yet old virgin who lives with his mom completely oblivious that vagina exist. Dumb founded, I plotted about the moves to make that evening wholehearted knowing the one place I wanted to be more than anything in the world knowing that place was over a thousand miles away. Sometimes life teaches you patience.

In the past, this had been a day to rejoice in libations and foolery; waking up in a umfamiliar place. I knew this was not going to happen. I had the priviledge of listening to friends(my home boy and his home girl) from high school talk about good times. Seriously, who gives a fuck. I don't and probably never would ever.

From the convo, she haven't had someone in her life. Conclusion she can join most of the female population in America. Why? This ms independent woman thing. Woman it would leave you with like 100 cats spending a grand on cat food a month. Don't let that be you.

Well we are finally leaving and I will keep you posted. Wish me luck.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

-Uncle Booze

Personals Thursday #3

And you wonder why we have trust issues........... - 40 (Nassau)

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Date: 2009-09-03, 3:17PM EDT

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I can't meet a decent man to save my life here or anywhere. Either they're married and want sex, or they're separated and want a "friend", or they're completely single but emotionally unavailable. What the hell?!?!?!?!? You are all such selfish, self centered, dishonest jerks.

I just want an honest man, educated, loving and warm with a creative spirit who is emotionally and legally available. I feel like I'm looking for a damn needle in a haystack.

If you think you are tnat needle, contact me. If not - keep it moving.

• Location: Nassau
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1356954094

My Response:

Dear woman who has issues plus other daddy issues to the extreme:

Woman you are over the hill. Meaning you are over 40. Sucks for you because no man wants a chick with cottage cheese thighs and saggy fun bags. That is just the world we live in. Yeah, the whole emotionally unavailable thing is just human nature. Obviously, you were like a "lizbo" in another lifetime or some sh*t like that. FYI any dude that could potentially read your post in hopes of being your self-wanted "needle in a hay stack" would not take heed to you calling him names. You are already showing signs of being a psycho chick. We tend to run in the other direction when we see those signs. With that being said, I wish you the best and you can count me out. Douche on the regular and do kengels to get it tight again because you are like ancient in age. Disregard the last sentence because I am guessing you don't get it much considering you put a personal on Craigslist. Yeah judge me for responding, but I like to call this my giving back to the community.....you may call it charity. Too bad I do not get a deduction on my taxes. Then it would be really worth it. Hopefully, you may be a carom in someone's life soon after they had a harsh break-up. Like a rebound chick.

Respectfully,

Uncle Booze

Throwback Thursday Good Girls Bend at the Knees, Bad Girls Bend at the Waist

This is the greatest statement i've heard in a year. This has become the new way of life that I will be judging chicks by from now on. Better yet their is a new declaration from on high. I S. Beamin declare that from now on in the Beamin household Good Girls Bend at the Knees, Bad Girls Bend at the Waist is now a rule of thumb.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

6 Things That I Wish Did Not Exist #1

1. AIDS- This sh*t right here is the culprit that has claimed the lives of millions of people. It is this disease, also referred to as the Die Slow, has caused me to never raw dog the vaage. Can you imagine 3 months after having a one night stand with a Brazilian chick, you feel like your white blood cells are not normal (I am not familiar with symptoms, if you would like to know google it). So, you decide to go to the doctor and BAM! The doctor infrom your that you have HIV/ AIDS....... He tells you that it is not advanced and it could evolve into full blown AIDS...... PAUSE.......... REWIND........ WTF. Your immediate reaction would be to just die because you can't like have sex with chicks unless you tell them your status. All of a sudden you realize your life is in the shitter and Aston Kutcher is not around the corner waiting to tell you that you have just been PUNKED>>>>>> instead you have reached a new low.... dreading the day you didn't use a jimmy coat.

2. Herpes...Please refer to number 1 and replace HIV/AIDS with Herpes. Also replace your white blood cells are not normal with you have f*cking bumps on your genital area.

3. Paris Hilton- This is what I like to call the leader of the Dumb B*tch clic. Everytime I turn on the TV she is involved in some antic that does not need to be nationally televised. She really make all chicks look bad. The only thing that has her in my good graces is the sex tape she made. Which, inadvertently, concluded that is all she is good for.

4. Jose Cuervo- This guy is not my friend. I met Jose my freshmen year and do not remember that week at all. S. Beamin and I had a bet on who could drink the most shots. I got to 15 and he beat me by 2 shots. The next day, I woke up in some estranged woman's house, stranded, and without any form of communication. Other run ins with this friend has resulted in a far worst outcome that I may talk about later. On a less personal note, Jose is the leading cause to having kids out of wedlock. Trust me a few of my friends are in that statistic.

5. DUIs- "These" are simply the devil. Getting one of these could cost you like 10 thousand dollars. On top of that.... you are forced to pay for a cab to get home because you are afraid of getting pulled over while intoxicated. The worse thing is accidentally giving the cab driver a $100. FML, right? Not only have the law makers lowered the legal limit, but they make you sit in a cell for a few hours or until you sober up. I hear it is like the worst f*cking feeling ever. More importantly, I have ended up in some pretty strange locations and situation because I didn't want a DUI. I know some of you are think that it to protect the other people on the road, but drunks do not kill people....impact does. You see someone coming....move out the f*cking way. It is that simple. One day I might mature up and change my views, but do not count on it.

6. Child Support- So what you got pregnant by someone. You chose to sleep with him knowing that sex is not about pleasure, but its about reproduction. Society has sold us a dream about this pleasure thing just to make a dollar. Now oral sex is about pleasure you f*cking idiot. If the male spends time with his child and provide for him, do not use the system to get a quick buck because you are broke. Some chicks just cheat the system. This is bullsh*t. If the dude does not get his mouth swabbed after being summoned, the court automatically assumed he is the father. This laws are flawed. Significantly flawed. Women are educated enough to make their own decisions and should be ready to accept the consequences. Women STOP looking for a f*cking meal ticket. Alimony is another beast I would tackle later. FYI, the father does not need to sign the birth certificate anymore, the hospital staff can perform that duty without his consent. WTF is the world coming to.

-Uncle Booze