M.I.L.F.S. that I didn't have time to write about #1

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Quote of the Week #1

"Don't be a cunt your whole life!"

-Uncle Booze

Personals #4

Craigslist Personal

Clarification - 40 (mobile)

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Date: 2009-12-20, 8:49AM CST

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Waiting to meet an African or African American man who is secure and clean ( DDD free as well as hygiene) partner for intimacy and dates, it would be nice if it leads to something more. I have been seperated for over 10 years and pending divorce. Its taken a while because I didn want to pay for it. Now I need to move on for business and financial reasons. I have had a couple very meaningful relationships but the end result was not permanent. I am very interested in having a commited relationship as I don’t have a problem with being loyal. But some people do and this is the type I want to avoid. If you need more than one woman to fulfill your desires then I am not for you. If you are not single/ separated /pending divorce or do not ultimately want a committed relationship then I am not for you. I don’t necessarily have to be the one you become committed to but at least be in a position to want to find out via dating and getting to know one another. I am in my early forties but I look to be in my mid thirties. I am full figured a size 18 to 20 depending on the style. I am an educated fair-skinned AA sister who enjoys a variety of music, culture and foods. I am very spiritual and give reverence to God and all he has created. I am very passionate and love to make love with the right person. I would prefer someone who is willing to be tested and someone who likes to give orally without being a baby if they don’t get it. That takes time for me because I am very picky and that is something I can only do once my feelings are involved. As you can tell I am really the marrying kind …if there is such a thing ...but that is something for you to decide. Make my day and hit me up! Would like to talk by phone this weekend and meet by next. Thanks for your time and interest.

• Location: mobile
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1518253612

My Response:

"You have made my day. This is by far the funniest sh*t I have seen on here in a while. I always thought it was desperate for people to put themselves out on the internet like this, but you are classic. No dude wants to deal with a chick that has been pending divorce for 10 and have not completed it for financial reasons. This mean you are completely broke. This adds a completely new element, but its not a deal breaker. The deal breakers are:

• You are over 40. This means menopause is right around the corner. You know that crazy phase where women are more prone to have hot flashes and stuff.
• I am not the right person for you because I want more than 1 woman. Seriously, you are a size 18 to 20 (depending on the style). You are like 2 chicks in one. Get my drift?
• You refuse to give but prefer to receive. Don't be a c*nt you while life. Word from the wise.
• You talked about the almighty, then start talking about sinning.I may be a heathen at times, but you are the worst. I mean literally and figuratively the worst.
• AA-no words. Get a boob job. You are too big to be flat. Flat is whack in the words of Whitney Houston.
• You a picky. Next!!!!"

-Uncle Booze

The Chick on My Mind... Katerina Graham

Im a little late on the updates this week because I got drunk as fuck last night (no big surprise there), but now I bring to you the latest chick on my mind. The winner is Katerina Graham a very special young lady currently starring on The Vampire Diaries, yes I said it the fucking Vampire Diaries. I your fearless leader S. Beamin watches some fucked up shit during the week, but thankfully it brings me things like this.

From the first time I saw this chick i knew she had stunner potential so I waited and let that shit marinate and now the kitchen timer has rung. I did some digging and it looks like our good witch Katerina has been trying to get it in on the scene for a minute. She has had some real I don't know what the fuck you where thinking moments, but fuck it she's hot.

I mean come on she's out there trying to get her sexy on with a trucker hat, I hope to God that that shit was from 03. Otherwise it has no place in this world. I'll be honest I fucked a chick who wanted to wear my White Von Dutch hat while doing the deed, it was a lil weird but fuck it it worked for her. So seeing that pic of Katerina brought me right back to that dorm room on FAMU's campus. Seriously I will never fuck on a twin mattress again for the rest of my, because We Off That.

So this week The Vampire Diaries is on every night for two hours on the CW so check it out. Katerina doesn't get the shine she really deserves but those glimpses you get will be well worth it. She does have one episode dedicated to her so make sure you dont miss that one. Ill be tuned in so hit me on the Twitter when you get to see what i've been enjoying.


- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter "The Situation" is doing it

My Bad T Reddd I forgot all about Slumdog chick I'll get to her during the week

I am Emotionally Unavailable #1

Throughout college, my found utopia, chicks always wanted to get serious with your boy. I am not down for that sh*t. Do I look like sensitive guy number 1. Hell no. I am a grade A @ssshole that sh*ts on everything for my enjoyment. Yes. You try to make me look like a fool, I promise you I will come out on top by making you look like a tribe from one of those National Geographic documentaries. You will be fishing the lagoon with a stick in leaf clothing. Get the point?

I sure hope so.

For the record, I wasn't looking to get all emotional and stuff because I am emotionally unavailable. There are only 3 things I need from chicks....food, sex, and booze. Your heart you could keep. At least I am being honest. Some guys would lead a chick on to hit...not me. I hit them with the truth. The only thing I could offer resides in my pants. It is a symbiotic relationship.....You get naked and I let you. Your boy is back. If you don't like the terms....keep it moving because I looking for the next chick in line........... ding number 123,890 Uncle Booze is now ready for you to put out.

People are always like Booze you can be more sensitive. I don't know how. Hell I don't even have tears ducts. Yes they do not exist on me. So I would just tell chicks,get your mind right. This is what it is and this is how its going to be. I don't care about your day, family, or anything that does not revolve around me getting pleasured. I truly mean this. Besides you know the terms before you got into them because of my honesty.

-Uncle Booze

The Chick on My Mind...A Whole Bunch of Them

The last few weeks i've been busy so I couldn't keep you up to date on all the chicks who have been running through my head. I also have been actually contemplating real life chick situations that have been plaguing your boy. I know your supposed to complain on your blog, but I don't so fuck it. If you do run into a real chick down chick though let me know. Lets get to the matter at hand the chicks running through my mind, and let me tell you there have been a ton of them so as your benevolent leader i've decided to give you a taste of what's going on. There is a smattering of different ladies from all walks of life and all types of different carreer choices are covered here. So without further ado here we go.

The first chick on the list is Kathryn Morris of Cold Case fame. I don't know what it is but the fact that she's paler than death just does it for your captain. I mean this girl is damn near translucent, I think I would end up calling her ghost when we hit the sheets. If you had white sheets and she closed her eyes and mouth she would disappear, but when you turned the lights out she would probably glow. Im glad to see her doing some sexy shit even if it is all the way in Europe. If she got with me we would have those flicks done right here in the states.

Next on the list is Jill Marie Jones and without a doubt it's all about those lips. Do you see those soup coolers, man im sure they could warm up my beast just as well as she cools that soup. Our girl Jill here also used to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so yeah there are pictures of her out there strutting around in those white boots. From what I can tell she's currently unemployed so she can dig that old uni out and come by my house. Im pretty sure I would have her cheering before and after our little game of dress up.

I've been promising myself I would do a post on this chick ever since she graced my Plasma as part of Californication. You shouldn't even have to ask the reason just look at those tits I mean my God, I usually don't use the term rack but look at that rack. The best part is that she got naked on the show and was excited about it, not only that she did it while working the pole. Yep that's right she played a student stripping her way throgh college, come on you gotta love it. If she ever wanted to tone up those arms she could use me for a shake weight.

The next chick on the list is Maria Ozawa and yes she does adult films. Maria is a wonderful combination of Japanese and French Canadian, I never knew how that would turn out, but the answer is good. You know what I don't even hold it against her that she sucks dicks for a living we wont ever get married but fuck and go out on the low yes. I'll be honest I've seen the girl in action and some of the noises she makes will get a deaf man hard. Hey she's pretty face in a ugly industry but atleast we get to see her naked at the click of a button.

Now we come to the one and only Grace Park of Battle Star Galactica and The Cleaner fame. I've never seen battle star mainly because im not a nerd, but I did enjoy her work on the cleaner. I say did because both of those shows have been canceled making Grace the second unemployed woman on my list. I don't know what skills she has other than looking hot and acting but she can find work at my house. I know for sure one job she could for me about 4 times a day. I think the best option is for here to just come over and apply.

The final chick is just a sneak peek of what we have coming up this week in the form of the Victoria Secret Fashion show. Sweet Candice her comes to us from South Africa so for techinical purposesshe is African and if she lived here a African American. I know there are a bunch of fine black women in South Africa and so far the only white ones i've seen are Candice and Charlize Theron so the signs bode well. In any case I might not make it out there for the world cup, but i'll be out there soon with a 100 pack of Trojans. Yeah a ton of condoms 1 because im pretty sure alot of them have that Batman Forever (AIDS) and I can't have no real African kids.

Next week we'll be back to regular rotation and no T Redd I didn't forget you because as you can see next week belongs to Freida Pinto. Yes the first Indian chick i've done a post for and the only reason Slum Dog Millionaire is still on my DVR.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter stars from The Hills are doing it

The New Axis of Evil

Thanks to the Bush administration we have a new phrase in our vernacular "Axis of Evil" now while most people look at anyone involved in an axis with disgust and contempt I see it another way. The Axis is simply a group of people that are hated by the masses because they decide to stretch the bounds of what is acceptable to those in the norm. The "Axis of Evil" as we once knew it consisted of three countries that dared to spit in the face of the worlds last great super power. It is simply three countries that were thrown together without any formal agreement Iraq, Iran and North Korea. While things have not worked out so swimmingly for that "Axis of Evil" the new one looks to break the rules of conformity in a brand new way. Who makes up this new Axis you say, well that answer is easy Spencer Pratt, Scott of "Keeping up with the Kardashians" fame and your fearless leader S. Beamin.

The first step to create a Axis of course is for someone to present the idea that these three are somewhat related in their mindset and way of doing things. So lets go to the source the person who made this connections, that person would of course be my friend C. Maki. For some unknown reason one day while watching that sham of a Tv special known as the Kardashian Wedding special she had an Idea. That idea was that S. Beamin and Scott were similar personalities. While I disagreed at first the idea was soon co-signed by her friend Mia aka My Future Baby Momma. It was something to do with or overwhelming confidence and high opinion of ourselves The problem was there was only two, but then in the following week the third member was found by Ms. Maki the one and only Spencer Pratt.

Looking at the original Axis lets see how these three fit into our world spectrum. In this Axis Spencer represents Iraq as he is the member with the longest standing as a source of infamy. Spencer has been in-battled with a long time nemesis in the form of Lauren Conrad, but like Iraq he survived the first skirmish and even won some of the spoils in the form of his lovely wife Heidi Montag. Currently like Iraq he is embattled in a new battle with the woman he married as she tries to force a child upon him. Will he win only time will tell.

Scott on the other hand represents Iran a country long looked at with contempt by the world yet just powerful enough to keep them at arms length. Like Iran and Iraq Spencer and Scott live in a similar vacinty, but held no alliance until now. Scott showed up sporadically in years past as simply the modern day incarnation of all those 80's teen movie villains. He seemed to always get the girl that others didn't think he deserved, he was the kind of guy who wormed his way into your life as a seemingly kind hearted fellow. That is until you got to know him when he soon started to exude confidence that others saw as cockiness. He might seem slightly swarmy or smarmy to some, but now like Iran he has a ace in the hole. While Iran may potentially hold a nuke, Scott has knocked up a Kardashian the simplest way in the world to seal yourself into a family.

The third member of the axis is yours truly S. Beamin who takes the mantle of North Korea. Why North Korea, because Im unpredictable. As the only person not connected to a significant other I am isolated much like North Korea. What does that mean, simply it means I can pop up anywhere and drop a bomb just like North Korea. You think Im taking a break from creating trouble I test a nuke just like North Korea. I also have an utter disregard for any kind of authority other than my own. Im simply a taller, better looking, and dressing version of Kim Jong Il. If i don't like something i simply destroy it, if i want something I simply go out and take it and like Kim the first time I played golf I shot -20. I'm simply the worlds Wild Card so crazy that the word unpredictable doesn't do me justice.

So yes world we are here, the new "Axis of Evil" we aim for world domination and to succeed where the original one failed. We will be in your lives and homes forever and we will make you conform to our will. So when you wake up in a cold sweat wondering what has happened to your world thank C. Maki, because without her the greatness that are these three individuals may never have come together to form the new "Axis of Evil".

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter Spencer Pratt is doing it

Cult of Cartman.....1

A Chick Personal.......My Reply

Question of the day! - w4m - 22 (Kenmore)

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Date: 2009-10-02, 9:39PM CDT

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Is it clouds in the sky or is it smog? I hate to be that way but its like 22 degrees and yucky. And is it just me or does it seem like the city is getting dirtier and dirtier every single year? Of course, I think I complain about this every year and I never move away. Oh, well. If your not doing anything today would you like to have a drink or something?

• Location: Kenmore all rolled
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1403876218

My response:

If its you asking, its smog. If its you the city is getting very dirty in a very bad way. Dirty like a fat chick tring to keep her vaage from smelling like fish. It doesn't happen much. One time, I was at a party and went to take a piss after a fat chick and it was the worst smell ever experienced by my nose to this day. The smell reminded me of a dead person and a skunk had a baby. The baby would be called sh*t head.

Sigh.........

Being S. Beamin

You see that was Don Draper who is pretty much a 1960's version of S. Beamin. I know most of you want to know how to be S. Beamin so i'll tell you how to do it in four impossible steps, because you can never be as great as me, but being a pale imitation should suffice for your time on this earth.

1. Realize you are better than 99% of the people in the world.
Seriously if you were as amazing as me you would simply want to cry every morning when you realize you have to share the same air as some of the cretins. The only way to get through the day is to focus on the few people that can actually hold a candle to your greatness. The important thing is to befriend them for two totally different reasons, you befriend other men to gain their trust and then use their weakness to crush them. There is no real need to have any real competition in the world so destroying their self esteem should suffice. Women on the other hand you should befriend for the purposes of pro creation, if you are any where near as amazing as I am it is your God given duty to help create more beings with your DNA. Half of me is better than all of anyone else.

2. Be amazing at everything you do, and make it look effortless.
Some people in the world have trouble with things if you're anything like S. Beamin you don't. Never has there been a day in the life of S. Beamin that a situation has arose that I could not handle with ease. Im a modern day Super Hero it seems like no matter what the world throws at me I am the actual Teflon Don. Oh and if something were to ever happen that was in the least bit precarious there is no doubt I could slip my way out of it so is the life of S. Beamin

3. Be ahead of the curve on everything.
When I say everything I mean everything if you need to know the order of this years upcoming draft call me. If you need to know where the hottest vacation spot is you call me. The best bar in the city you call me, the best club you call me and guess what I don't even go to clubs. You know the fall collections from your favorite fashion houses I know their muses and where they got their direction from. The latest restaurants, shoes, and hot chicks on the scene you call me. And if you think of any other questions you can call me.

4. Be the opposite of who you really are, because you are no where near being S. Beamin
I should really apologize to you because I gave you the false hope that you could actually be like me. The sad fact of the matter is that you can't even become that pale imitation of me we talked about earlier. There is only one person who could hope to ever be as amazing as me and that will be a tough task for the "6th". So when you see me just bask in the glory that is S. Beamin, please don't think that i'll rub off on you because it would make me sick to even touch you.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

C*nt of the Week #1

Damn man. You get robbed like every year and then the public know you are broke. Some life you lived. You have made over 55 million net without saving sh*t; you my friend are an idiot. Not just any idiot but a motherf*cking idiot that needed to get a real f*cking education.

The sad thing was you just won a ring a year ago. A NBA title ring. You are officially a cunt beyond belief. Antoine Walker you are is indicative of your 1st name......black uneducated and your resume will get overlooked based off your name. It is like when you apply for a job and on the top of your resume the following names show up:

- some black sh*t I can't spell because it doesn't exist in the English language

- some Mexican sh*t that belongs in Texas. Honestly it's your country too

- some Asian sh*t that takes like a million sticks to make a word


People the list can go on. My ignorance can continue to the point of supreme ignorrance, but I am trying to keep my blog.

The reality of the situation you have officially added to the Americans that have loss everything do to pure ignorance.

-Uncle Booze

Halloween....Costume

Tonight is going to be epic. Yes.....I have decided to get it in. No one will know who I am, thanks to my costume. If you are wondering what I am going as, you will never guess. So I have decided to let you know. I am going as a SLAVE,. Not just any SLAVE. An educated house slave. I know that you think it may or may not be offensive, but who cares what you think. Kunta...is my name.

I went to the thrift store, got an old shirt cut it up to make whip makes visible on my back, and made chains with paper. not just any paper. Printer paper. F*ck that going green sh*t. O will be long gone before I even experience the effects of me being a savage to the Earth.

I will keep you posted about my journey and may even decide to pick a less offensive character like a Pimp, maybe even Osama, or a member of the KKK. I think I will go as a CRACKHEAD. Whatever I decide, I will ensure I am in character the whole night or else it wouldn't be worth it.

My drink of choice will be no other than HOLY WATER. Not from a church, but a mixture of every VODKA and Mexican Voodoo Tequila known to man. My mission people is to Piss on some random chick and get her to scream that she wants more. I'm no R. Kelly, but thats like the worst sh*t I can think of right now. It's even more disrespectful than f*cking one chick one hour then going to the next door and f*ck her mother.

Until the party get started.....I am mobile blogging tonight so disregard the grammar because in a few hours my brain is going to actually shut down due to the my blood thinning from high alcohol consumption.

-Uncle Booze

Straight No Chaser

Sometimes your boy S Beamin decides to make the weekend special, and by special i mean I get trashed. Well last Thursday I decided to make it a Straight No Chaser weekend, it was so viscous that I can only write about it now. The sickest part is I just started to piece together what went down. So the best thing to do is start from the beginning which was Friday at lunch, being S DOt a weekend like this has to fueled by some fire ass liquor. My choice was of course Belvedere IX. As I told yall earlier that IX be hittin, because it's 100 proof give. With the bottle in hand I went down the road of no return. I of course had to grab 24 buds to make sure I could do white trash saturday right. So Friday was a normal fun nights with fam as my Aunt from San Antonio who also likes the drink.

Saturday I woke up grabbed the Snuggie took a swig of the beer on the floor and the bottle of IX and tried to remember what happened the night before. I grabbed another beer and a few text and my day was planned. Step 1 kill 8 brews done with the ease, step 2 go to Gucci and get some new shades. This also happened without incident other than I got the last pair of glasses and old Slim Thug looking dude was pissed. On second thought that might have been Slim. So step 3 I had to meet up with my Boy Wise for Zieg Fest. Me being me I thought Zeig Fest was a beer carnival like Beer Fest in Tally where you go around drinking for free after cover charge, boy was I wrong.

The first thing that told me I fucked up was when Wise said he was waiting on his boys to pick up beer, why would they need beer at a beer fest? I said fuck it so we all jump in the 4 door family ride and start smashing road beers, next clue I had fucked up is when we pulled into Specs liquor. This is when I found out that I was headed to a country music festival, AWWWWW FUCK ME! Now I gotta get drunk so we all by Travelers of liquor to sneak in, being an asshole I get the big bottle so I can get at it.

When we get to the fest I found out it's hide liquor time now im about 16 beers deep so I've got no boot to stick booze in so down the front of my pants it goes. I know look like my dick has the most girth ever, but fuck it lets go.
Once inside I get more beer, I get more drunk and run into a chick I used to know from high school. I was a dick to this chick all through school, but now she's lookin aight so I setup the next weekend get together and im off. As per usual I slam the whiskey sharing with one of her friends and get loaded. After Zieg we get more drunk and I pass out on the couch.

Now here is where it gets bad I on Sunday it was tailgating time so on three hours of sleep I grab a 24 Wise grabs another 24 and we all head to the game. I proceed to get hammered on the light rail, I then get hammered at the tailgate next to the whole roasted pig, and continue drinking at the game. Supposedly the game was good, but I drank blacked out, and then passed out. I got out of the stadium and now I don't remember shit. Supposedly I stumbled around Wise's apartment building until security found me passed out in from of a door. I told him I was headed home, he took my keys and phone and called my DAD. I woke up on a couch parents there dragging me up three flights of stairs.

The next thing I know I wake up at my house with a beer in my hand and 4 hours until work starts. I of course make it to work hungover all to hell. My boss proceeds to make fun of me and tell me to lay low which I did. Three days later we all laughed about it and now im writing this. So tomorrow I have a devils night party, and then a kegger on Halloween. So it's high school chick friday, then Wise, crew, high school chick (again) and her crew. This is the life I live people it gets no better.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

On Demand Has Commercials WTF.

I watch on demand because I don't have real time to watch shows when they air. I owe it to my job and sh*t. Being a young professional is hard....sigh. However, I was watching South Park, on demand, and all of a sudden a f*cking commercial comes on. I do not want to see that sh*t. Comcast is taking this making many sh*t too seriously. Honestly, the only reason most people watch on demand is to avoid the commercials. If I wanted to see commercials, I would watch normal cable and sh*t. I know my boy S. Beamin hates commercial, but this is getting ridiculous.

Honestly, I feel that Comcast is cheating me. It kind of like when you order a message at one of those Asian spots and ask for the happy ending......while in the act of the happy ending she only lets you put it in half-way and refuses to polish the door knob. That's how cheated I feel at this moment and time. Comcast you have fooled me this time and you will not get me again.

-Uncle Booze

Ramen Noodles AKA Titty Boy Crack

You know how some videos start off at a 2 and raise to a ten well this shit started at 7 and got to about a 23. First off this shit has no intro it's all killer no filler. Lets start from the beginning where Titty boy as he will be known from here on out wants his cousin to get away from his noodles. Will you let his noodle go, will you? Hell naw and thats when Titty boy explodes, because he swears those are his noodles. He put that shit on everything including his Grandmama and his Grandaddy grave.
Now i've had Ramen noodles and them shits have never been that serious. You know those things go for a dime a piece on the regular. I even found them 2 for a penny one day. Do you understand how cheap that is, if I decided to get one pack of 1/2 penny noodles all hell would break lose. I'm going to do that shit and be like I need change for this penny.
I also liked how Titty boy then went Super Saiyan on the women in the house and started calling them bitches. Yeah they some bitches for letting his cousin steal them damn noodles. I liked that he couldn't keep his composure and started breaking down early. That shows you the real bitch that lies within Titty boy. To top it off his cousin goes in on him for being fat and a thief. Once again people this was all over some Ramen fucking noodles or as his cousin said "Dez here Ramen Noodles Baby!". Coonery at it's finest Coonery at it's finest.

- S. Beamin
Follow Me on twitter

Second Job...Denied

I got inspired by that show on HBO....Bored To Death......to teach people the way of booze. Apparently, the world isn't ready to learn my ways because my ad on Craigslist, in the job wanted section, was removed. I posted my resume and the sh*t got taken down real quick. Like a matter of an hour or two. It pisses my off because "professional entertainers"/ "I'm really am a hooker, not an escort" get to put ads, but a local drunk cannot. WTF.

flagged & removed: 1425965540 (resumes) Drunk For Hire.....Seriously

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PostID: 1425965540

Title: (resumes) Drunk For Hire.....Seriously

I am a local drunk that loves to have a good time and willing to help you drink your booze. I want to get paid for my antics and philosophies on life. I seriously thought that putting myself on Craigs List would open up new opportunities for me in life that consist of the following:

- Drinking booze to the point of no return; I don't want to feel my face.

- Meeting hot chicks that put out. Normally, I wouldn't put this because it sounds bad, but we are all adults here. I have safe practices. I ask for their papers and strap up.

- Bar hopping. This is my favorite pass time and you should try it. I even initiated a world beer tour. I'm trying like every beer known to man thats served at bars.

- Passing out in bushes and getting found 2 days later.

- Losing my car for a period of like 2 weeks. I refuse to purchase lo-jac so sh*t happens. This seems to be consistent.

- Being the life of the party. This is my trademark. I can teach you the technique

- Supporting single mother's one dollar at a time (Strippers). I know its not a respectable profession, but to me its like a spa treatment for males.

- Pissing on like random stuff. This one time in college, I pissed on the hood of this chick's car because she deserved it. To this day, everyone reminds me of all the dumb sh*t I have done.

The above list is things I do on a regular basis and could show you the way. We all are on the earth for a brief period, so make the best of it. Being a drunk is fun and easy when you get the hang of it.

Serious offers only or whatever.

-Uncle Booze

www.uncleboozepresents.blogspot.com

The Chick on My Mind...... Ana Beatriz Barros

This week the chick on my mind happens to come from the land of carnival, soccer, and g-strings. Yes the the only BRIC country that is on everyones list of travel destinations, Brazil. By the way BRIC stands for Brazil, Russia, India, and China they're the upcoming nations that are trying to enter the class of world super powers. Enough with that and lets get to the chick the one the only Ana Beatriz Barros. Ana is simply one of those chicks you see and now there is something a little more there. She carries with her a hint of danger. In most peoples book she comes in at number three in the ranks of Brazilian super models, behind Adriana, and Alessandra.

You see with Adriana you get the clean, classy image of a young woman, while Alessandra seems fun and flirty. Ana has a edge to her that just captivates a the watcher. It really doesn't matter, because she's hot and in the real world that's all that should count. She seems to go through phases though for me for some reason she's not always model pretty, but she's always girlfriend pretty.
I used to have that picture on a t-shirt when I was younger, because I was in love with how it looked. To tell the truth I have to thank Ana for getting me laid. After getting ridiculously drunk one night me and my friends decided to combat out hangovers at Hooters. As we were leaving one of the Hooters girls asked me who was on my shirt. Me being S. Beamin I told her it was my ex who broke up with me the night before. In classic fashion she wanted to console, so I told her and her friend to come to the party I just made up. The night ended like most that include me and a chick in a hot tub so thanks Ana.
I've been a Ana fan for a while so that GQ cover you see up there has been at my crib forever, and the sick thing about it is it's English GQ. I have no idea why she gets no time in our GQ, but she's in the English version again so go check it out. I'll end this post with what can only be known as the trifecta or the greatest things to come out of Brazil including the soccer team.


- S. Beamin
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Traffic......SMH

Lately, I have been driving in some pretty rough traffic and Friday was the worst. It took me 2 hours to get home from work. I was literally moving at the speed when you take your foot of the brake without pressing the gas. So while in traffic I remembered that I had a huge bottle of Johnny Walker Black in my trunk from my surprise party from last weekend. What is booze to do?

I got out of my car, popped the trunk, and got my best friend Johnny Walker Black. I know drinking and driving is wrong, but do you call moving at the pace of a snell driving... you a sadly mistaken. While in the middle of the expressway, I took the bottle to the head. Other drivers looked at me like I was crazy, but for that break moment in time, I was in complete bliss.

More to come next week. I am back to win it.

-Uncle Booze

So Blackface is the Shit Again?

I guess I missed it but I guess the end of 2009 has decided that this is the year of the blackface. I usually dont get too serious on the blog, but I guess this shit kinda fucks me up. People are running around thinking this is just the shit to do like everybody just said black president blackface lets do it. No that shit is not how it goes that shit is not kosher with the Real World team. Lets see how this shit is going down.
Okay the Japanese are the lowest on the offensive meter. They either decide to tan way too much or use a darker shade of make up to fit in. For some odd reason these little shits think they are actually paying homage to black people. I liked Bruce Lee as much as the next guy but you didn't see me pulling my eyes back and getting a smaller cock. What they fail to realize is no black person would ever talk to them looking like that, but at least they went full body the commitment counts for something.
This shit shocked the fuck out of me, then I realized Mad Men was set in a time of racial insensitivity. You ever watch someone on TV and you hate them for some unknown reason? Yeah thats how I felt about Roger Sterling for two whole seasons of Mad Men, then he did that shit.

Yeah that confirmed dude was a piece of shit. He went straight up shoe polish to the face in front of all his friends and family at his engagement party. I think that mother fucker had a line in the song about the darkies being happy and gay. When Don Draper looked at him with contempt I was actually more of a Don fan then ever before. You know I used to like the dude because he kicked ass at life, fucked his hot wife, fucked hot chicks, and got away with it, but our mutual hatred of Roger sealed it. Eat shit and die fucker

In the last week there have been two international incidents involving blackface the first of which happened in Australia watch the video above. I guess it was the 20th anniversary of some gong show and they decided to bring back a Jackson 5 group. Well not that it wasn't bad enough to have a Jackson 5 parody group after Jacko's death these mother fuckers went all out. Yeah they decided black face was the shit to do. I guess no one told them that the shit was fucked up the first time they did it years ago. These fucks somehow are doctors in their country. Harry Connick Jr our boy from the South wasn't down with that shit, he let Australia know that shit wasn't where it's at.

The latest shit that actually got me going was this is blackface fashion forward shit. French Vogue, not Anna Wintour led American Vogue decided to rock 14 pages of blackface. I don't know who decided this was the shit OK actually I do, Carine Roitfeld. Carine has been the toast of the town for a few years as people try to find someone to replace Anna, but she aint going to well. I always thought the bitch was stylish but was seriously lacking in the face. An Lara Stone the model who did the shoot don't give me that im a model I do the job shit. Im not going to say the chick is not pretty, but she's not top five model status, come to think of it she's not even top 5 Dutch model status. I guess im the only one who feels this way as 60% of the people think the shit is artistic and fashion forward.
Fuck it guys the shit is what it is, all I want you to know is don't pull that shit within 50 feet of me. Ted Danson you thought I forgot about your ass, or the pass that Whoopi gave you counted. Naw homey that shit is still on when I see you im going to fire your ass up. You try to pay that shit back through appearances on Curb Your Enthusiasim and Damages, but it ain't cutting it. So Ted Danson and Roger Sterling get ready for ass whoopins, Carine Roitfeld, Lara Stone, and Japanese chicks get ready for me to stick it in your butt without asking. That's it bitches im out!

- S. Beamin
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January Jones Deserves it So She Gets it Early

Everyone knows that im a huge Mad Men fan I actually watched the first season before people started clamoring about how great it was. Yes your boy was out there early on this shit. To be honest there were two reasons I was on board and neither was Don Draper. One was blonde and the other was a red head, seeing as how the red head just got married i'll be respectful and hold off on here. On the other hand the blonde decided this was the week to push herself over the top. January Jones is stunning like seriously stunning. She makes me a black man want to go back to the civil rights era, just to get a chance at smashing Betty Draper. Im pretty sure my boy T Redd knows what im talking about. You know what no more talking just pictures, thanks GQ, January Jones, and our father Christ the Lord.







That's it im not going to be lewd or crude, but respectful. The reason is because she's a lady and for now that means respect. After a few beers though all that shit will go out the window, and the when in doubt whip it out method of attraction will come into play. Damn after a few back shots I might even have her ass plump like it should be.

- S. Beamin
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Pussy Vs. Penis Power

Over the Years there is certain shit that sticks with you and today i'll share one of those things with you. It comes in a form of a woman named Aleyxss K Tylor. Aleyxss was the first woman to articulate what I had been possessing my whole life, that would be Penis power. Seriously this chick gets so descriptive about the things that a man with Penis power can do to a woman it makes me die laughing. You heard the Camron bottom of the Pussy whole, yeah this chick is the one who came up with the shit.

One thing she does mention though is pussy power. It's one of those things that is truly a conundrum as pussy power is both great and terrible. If it is as good as it is made out to be you would seem to live life in a woman's lap with no need for life. The problem is that as a man you would no longer have what people refer to as balls. You would end up cuckold by a woman who would then more than likely embarrasse you. In a simple explanation you would for all essential purposes become a bitch. Now lets take a look at my all time favorite Alexyss clip.

Oh yes my man behind the camera said he would make her his bust it baby. Now I went to school in Florida so you could say some Goon shit to chicks, but any lady who has ever worn a proper dress ain't for that shit. You could see her realize he went there with her and the chick just snapped. The guest tried to put there two cents in and she wasn't tryin to hear that shit. Dude tried to run that Janet and Jermaine shit, but it was to late for all that. Alexyss fucked up though when she said come make me your bust it baby, dude got scared, on the other hand I would have fucked that shit up. She would have never got through all those posses, your boy would have been a blur, she would have been head down, ass up for the world to see. The Bust it baby clip would have turned into S. Beamin bust in Alexyss "Pussy Power" Tylor's face.

Bitch is crazy but ill hit her walls and work the middle so holla at ya boy if you want me to hit the bottom of your pussy hole.

- S. Beamin
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The Chick on MY Mind.....Dani Ramirez

This week the chick on my ind is a latina stunner. She has been on most peoples radar for a minute, but that's the reason im doing this post. I don't know how in the world almost three months passed in my life with little to know Dania Ramirez coverage. Seriously when this chick was on Heroes she was getting pub like no other. I mean she was on every red carpet from here to Sweden. Now that she's gone these fucks at Heroes want to have Hayden kiss a girl. Not to be mean to the chick she's kissing but that chick is only remotely attractive when naked and totally a waste of space when closed.
Do you know why I know Dania would have done a great job in that role, because the first time i saw her she was dikin out. Not only was she dikin out, but she was butt ass naked 50 percent of the time. Yeah i'm talking about She Hate Me. Seriously I think thats how all hot chicks should introduce themselves to the world naked and licking pussy. Seriously though either they come in like that or naked and sucking my dick. It seems like it's already the way to come into porn so regular acting shouldn't be a problem.
Oh and who's pussy was she licking in the movie Kerry Washington's. Yeah I know about 80% of yall are now no longer reading and have made the move to your local Best Buy, because no one rents or waits on Net Flix these days. Let me calm down and apologize for the use of the word pussy throughout the blog. I should have used cunt as it's a better overall word and it pisses people off.
Back to Dani she's about 29 now so I think I should fuck her before she turns thirty. Actually chicks get more intense with age and as anyone knows I fuck chicks of all ages. Lega Ages mind you no Polanski over here folks, the man has been trying to get me and that shit aint gonna be the charge. Well what else can I say I like the tits, I like the ass, and I even like the face so I'm down if you are Dani, so hang up the phone.

- S. Beamin
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I Don't Want to Talk to You

As we've seen in other previous Im not a big fan of people and the people I hate the most are the ones who want to talk to me. Seriously unless you are a hot chick who equals dime status in the eyes of 9 out of 10 don't talk to me. I should really say those type of people shouldn't even look at me. There is nothing I hate more than a person just waiting for me and my friends to give them an opening to jump in. Oh and when those fuckers jump in it takes everything in my heart and sul not to rip there arm off and stuff it in there mouthes. What fucking asinine thought went through your head that made you think that was a good idea? Are you going to add something to the conversation. Or are you going to make new friends with your witty banter, that shit just ain't gonna happen.

The thing that pisses me off more than that is when I go to lunch on my solo and someone tries to strike up a conversation. Seriously this is my alone time, this is when I get my S. Beamin on nobody but me. Im trying get my thoughts together and you're over there glaring from your table waiting. Me im thinking what the fuck is this little fucker waiting for does he want to go, because we can go, That's never what happens though it's always some loser who wants to start a fifteen minute discussion. I don't have fifteen minutes for most people I know let alone you asshole.

All Im saying is leave me and other people like me the fuck alone. I don't want any new friends, because to be honest i don't want most of the friends I have now. You wont become my new best friend no matter how hard you try. Remember though if you're a hot chick that nothing I said in the above blog applies to you. And for those of you that say Beamin what about when you approach women at the bar, bookstore or some random location? Do you know what I say those ladies want it, because a real man known as S. Beamin just walked into their lives.

- S. Beamin
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the insane rain

People we can all relate to how our uncontrollable foe the rain sneaks up on us and pour down like syrup in a food fetish porn. Well, this morning the semi unimaginable happened. I am casually walking with my umbrella to the train station when the wind decided to switch its direction of travel without proper approval from the local weather man.

I immediately found myself stuggling to save my prize umbrella and more important my business casual attire as I headed into the office. Before I knew it, I was wet beyond the point of no return and walking head on into the worthy opponent. I must admit that I was losing the battle, but I didn't get discouraged. I briskly walked to the train station as gush after gush of liquid from the sky hit my finely ironed pants drip by drip.

You would be pleased to know that I finally made it to the train station and caught a train just by the hair on my "chinny chin chin". To my disappointment, I am reminded of my battle this morning as my elbows rest on my pants to write this post and the water makes it way to my skin. Such an uncomfortable feeling.


-Uncle Booze

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

It's Not Just You I Hate People in General

The other day me and a friend were chilling with someone I had recently become acquainted with. Well as things go we were having a conversation and I said something insensitive. She said it was actually racially insensitive, maybe even borderline racist. Before I could rip her arm off and feed it to her size two ass and inform her that I was going to stick it in her ass tonight without telling her, our friend jumped in. He quickly explained that S Dot doesn't hate certain people he hates all people.

You see this is the fact of being S. Beamin I hate all people except the ones I like. That means if I don't know you I automatically dislike you, and if you're not nearly perfect on first inspection I officially hate you. You see I don't hate white people, because they smell like wet dogs I hate them because they're other people. I don't hate the white man because he stole the Indians land and enslaved my people I hate him off GP.

I don't hate Indians or the Redman, because they huff spray paint and drink more than a local whino. I don't hate them because they were too weak to look and see the deception that was behind the pale mans promises. I mean I don't even hate the dot Indians for eating curry, smelling like curry, bathing in curry, and painting there walls in Curry. I hate them for who they are.

Do you think I don't like Asians, because they can't drive no. Do you think I hate them because they they're all small and refuse to speak english when surrounded by there own kind, nope. I hate them for who they are another person that has failed to reach the standards that I have set forth. People think I hate Jews it's not true they may have hook noses and be stingy little fucks, but that's not my problem. I don't like them, because they don't fall in line with a vision I have for people I like.

My friend Thomas was under the impression for years that I didn't like Mexican once again wrong. Who else would mow my lawn and clean my house? Who else would keep Dickies in business, and sell fruit on the side of the highway. No one that's who. So don't think your friend and leader is racist no I have a blanket dislike for everyone who doesn't fit in. No matter what creed or color you may be you can be loved by me or hated by me. Hey people take it or leave it I just thought you should know.

- S. Beamin

Morning Train Ride

I am sitting down minding my own business, then all of a sudden a woman with a contraption that carries a baby around on wheels hits me. I am like damn woman can I get an excuse me (all in my head). Nope nothing, she looks like she is in her late 30s but that aging could be the effects of the harsh drug filled life she started at the tender age of 14.

Honestly, I am starting to believe some individual are missing the part of the brain that develop manners. I may not be the nicest douche bag in the world but the words excuse me exist in my vocabulary. For instance, I accidentally ejaculate on a chicks face; I would kindly say excuse me. But this lady had no inclination to say excuse me.

This just in, we have a crusader for the Nation of Islam preaching about Frad Muhhamed (I personally could give two shits how to spell it) and fishing for souls. I understand that they are trying to help the other social class beneath me, but I didn't pay to ride the train to hear this shit in the morning.

FYI I know the chick next to me whole story. Like how she just missed the aids virus and how her baby daddy get out the pin next year. I am happy for her.

People this is what I deal with on a daily basis. It's a pleasure to take you along for the ride.I am just an asshole trying to get a piece of the American dream without being bothered. But no that would be too perfect. Besides I enjoy the entertainment.

-Uncle Booze

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]