Why Do I Still Drink Stones

You know, I get this question more than a person would think. You know why I love the Stones, because they get me drunk. Keystone Light has been my friend since the beginning of my drinking career. Yeah I started off drinking man cans. We used to go to the boy Tiger and by Slabs of Keystone just to get the night right. I got to the point where I could drink a slab of 16oz man cans by myself. I would walk into a party and just destroy my life every Friday night.

I just have to thank the Coors brewing company for bringing me what they called the cure for bitter beer face. The fact is that it's a third rate beer that I used to drink, because that's all my high school allowance would allow. It got so bad I was drinking Keystone, yeah just straight Keystone not the Light. These b*tches came in the red can and could destroy a man's soul. I can't count the amount of times those sh*ts had me fighting, spitting, or pissing on someone.

The real beauty of Keystone Light though is the thirty pack. Yes thirty beers in one case. Yeah I could walk in to a store and buy thirty stones in one box. All I'm saying is that after you run out of slabs to drink thirty beers for 12 dollars with a Randall's card is where it's at. With thirty beers, you just don't care anymore; you start shotgunning beers for the f*ck of it. It got so bad that we started frumping beers, yeah that's slamming a beer into your forehead until it pops then drinking it. Or you end up involved in this type of sh*t...

When I got to Tallahassee, I found out that they only sold them in 24 packs, these sons of b*tches were shorting me 6 stones a pop. The message I left on my friends phone was so incendiary that his phone literally broke after playing the message for two days straight.

Oh lord, I thank you for Keystones, please continue to bring me this bottom of the barrel brew until I die. Yes people I will be 45 drinking this after board meetings. Me and my grand kids will do keg stands of this stuff at my retirement party. So until that day get me thirty stones!


- S. Beamin