Things I've realized through time

First and foremost i must mention im writing this drunk as shit and on about 2 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period, but you need to know this shit. I have done some shit and got way with it that you a normal person will not be able to get away with so take note and do none of the following.

1. Grabbing a woman's vagina in the middle of class.
Seriously this shit is pushing the lines of decency but i did it and boy did I pay for it. If the thought ever comes across your mind that the girl whose tits you have been grabbing for the last week might want some finger company down there, ask for permission. The answer will more than likely be no even if it is theater class where her moans will get drowned out by the sounds of shitty acting.

Results I got my Sidekick broken, yeah back when sidekicks were only seen in my hands and that Fabolous video.

2. Do not try to spit fire after a night of drinking 151
I have been the dumb ass in many situations and maybe none dumber than this one. I have no idea what possessed me to think after killing a bottle of 151 that it would be a good idea to add fire to the equation. Me being the drunken genius that i am decided the last bit of 151 should be used to spit fire in a college dorm room.

Results Me pathetically spewing Bacardi all over my shirt and thankfully no where near the flame. Side note I set my thumb on fire this weekend making Flaming Dr. Peppers so that was fun.

3. Do not believe the ass, because it will always lie
This is one of those things were I kinda fucked up, I judged the book by it's ass. I thought ass looks good so everything else will be good I was so wrong. Seriously never jump in a truck with a chick based on ass alone.

Results I got kidnapped and taken to Georgia, all the time being told stories about how crack taste like candy, with ex-boyfriend property destruction tossed in for fun.

4. Never eat all the weed brownies
Everyone thinks that weed brownies are all fun and games. You dumb fucks are wrong, fucking dead wrong those shits destroy lives and end relationships. It's bad enough when you eat one or two but I do it big and eat the pan or lick the bowl that shit is wrong.

Results I have left messages for Klan leaders telling them how I fuck women of all races, kissed multiple chicks without fair warning, and went to a Rockets game. Seriously after that Rockets game I got tickled by a bunch of people and the video of that incident is one of the funniest things have ever seen.

5. Do not drive around late night with your headlights off
If you ever get in a situation where the law is looking for you, do not decide the best option is to drive with your headlights off. So if you happen to be down by the river and your car is on the side of the road, do not run from the cops jump in the car and then speed down the highway in the wrong direction at 120 mph with no lights. Also do not go in reverse down the busiest highway in your city saying it'll be okay im special.

Results I evaded arrest every time and was known by the local police department as James Bond and later Mcguyver because I could get out of any situation.

To be clear none of these stories or incidents are quote un quote real. I had wrote something else right here but it went a little too far and it would get two people sent to jail and ruin their careers so i showed restraint. Oh and by the way the chick who's Vagina I grabbed I also drunkenly rubbed her with my boner while watching a high school play. Once again totally wrong and she stabbed me in the leg with a pen about three inches from my dick. Being me I promptly showed her how close she was and we've been friends ever since.

- S. Beamin
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