Squats

I don’t normally admit this shit, but yesterday I made a mistake. Yes your once infallible leader has admitted that he has made a poor decision. I decided that this week would be a goodtime to do squats. Yes that perilous workout that most people skip once they no longer have to lift weights under the watchful eye of a coach. I looked wearily at the rack and took up the challenge; the problem is that S. Beamin is filled with hubris that would be my downfall.
Unlike a regular person thoughts of high school greatness ran through my head. The thoughts of poems of mountain men slapping down half bodies with their raucous laughter from the corner of the gym pushed me forward. Yeah just me and the bar no Pussy Pad here I was going to dominate this weight no problem. I’m the guy who squatted 375 at one point, so 235 no problem. Damn that shit was easy I thought throw on the 45s lets go.
Now here is where things went wrong, instead of doing a pussy squat like most part time gym users, I reverted to the rules of the squat Nazis. Yeah the squat Nazis that means not just 90 degrees at the bottom, but a finishing position of reverse 45. My left knee started to make noises and creak but I manned through it. Back, shoulders knees and toes aching I hit my ten and moved away.
Not being done I needed to add to the bar, yeah I just went for it grab the weight and throw it on. This time as I looked in the mirror I saw the pain in my face, which I quickly covered up, because my next light skinned jump-off was looking at all the man that I was. Then I heard the sound no man wants to hear the tiny cracks that is his damaged should have been surgically repaired knee. Quit fuck no, I hit all ten and walked away. You know how much of a man I am I actually went and did calf raises and leg presses, ole light skin was watching so I had to put in a performance she has become my new inspiration so I do what I do.
Now I sit here in my bed writing this blog, as I am no longer able to walk properly. Yes I am fucking hobbled it hurts to get out of bed, I can’t walk to the fridge for more than a beer, and my knee gives out every time I get out of the whip or sit on the pot. I bought a bag of Epsom salt with which I will soak my entire body with in my tub. I am going to be a salt crusted S. Beamin before the night is done. Yeah and the no Pussy Pad thing, I have red marks on my shoulders like I played Kunta Kentay in a dinner theater version of Roots.
Yeah that chick right there is who I blame that shit kills me, because I want to fuck but I can’t do it if she squats more than me. As some of you know I have a propensity for workout chicks, actually I have a propensity for all good looking chicks so fuck it no more squats. Actually I’ll be doing squats next week, because I’m trying to fuck inspiration and squat chick no pain no gain as they say.
- S. Beamin